"Kate"

..what I was thinking coming here, everything feels so foreign. I've never been outside of New York and if it wasn't for wanting to start over I wouldn't be in California either. You're pretty stupid for this one Katie, out of all your antics, really. Moving across America on your own with nothing to your name but an Oceanic on a half tank of gas, good job dork. 

I ended up at the Taxi Station around five in the morning, the streets were dead and what people were outside were in small groups under streetlights, really fitting for what I pictured California to be, I really hope it's not gang and crime ridden. I did a little research about Los Santos, it doesn't seem like the most accepting and desirable place to live but the price on homes are cheap compared to surrounding cities, I just wish I would've been smart enough to save a little more to get a place to sleep when I came down here, I didn't realize gas prices almost hit $4.00 a gallon when I got out of New York, that really screwed me. So now comes my new dilemma, do I rent a hotel for a night or sleep in my car and get a pizza, this is working out wonderfully, really, it really is.

I drove around a little today, saw cops surrounding someone laying on the ground near Alhambra, whatever that is. It didn't take me long to find more police action, right around the place where I stopped for a bite, the Pizza Stack, there was someone in-front of an auto-body modification shop with two cops surrounding his car, and not only surrounding it, aiming guns at it. I'm starting to worry more and more, hopefully it's not the police I have to fear in this town, but then again the fact their out doing their job's a good thing, right? I hope.

I decided to stop and park my car in Idlewood and then take a walk, I went down past Crystal Gardens, which might I add was empty thank god, and down towards a billboard I saw arching over a high-way and sat down for a moment, just to see the city and relax, be isolated from any human contact. I sat for a while, browsing over the two texts I had on my phone and to no surprise my father was one of them, asking me how I liked Cali and if I had anything lined up yet. He thinks I'm going to be an actress, poor man if he only knew I have no idea what I am doing out here. The sitting didn't last long though, I got up in about twenty minutes and heard a dim crash or something of the sort around the corner so me being as stupid as I am I walked towards it.

Waiting for me around the corner was a younger-looking male who went by the name 'Ears', yeah.. Ears. He seemed pretty serious when he told me, I thought it was some kind of humor but I was wrong, he said he earned it by "Being a good listener" or something. He was younger then me I could tell but he wasn't that young, I tried to break the ice by asking him for a lighter, I thought I was going to get robbed, he kept shoving his hands in a Raider hoodie. He asked me if I had some of that "good shit" and I shook my head and flashed a pack of Camel's I had and he forked over the lighter afterwards. 

He was nervous, I don't know why but we spoke for a while, talking about random shit like why he was out there, he told me he thought I was going to jump off of the rafters and onto the high-way, that was about a forty-foot drop too, what kind of environment do you grow up in to think someone's going to jump off a billboard when you see them at first sight? Entertaining the question scares me enough.

We spoke for a while though, I like Ears he's a cool guy, I figured I'd ask him about me leaving my car in Idlewood and if I should be worried about it, and he said "Very" so I kind of took the hint that it's a bad place, I mean you can tell by looking at it but, you never really know. I mentioned I should probably go get it and he shrugged so I didn't know what else to say, he asked if he could come and I didn't see a reason why not? 

But then he went on asking if we were going to come back which drew some of my attention, why would he ask that? I made a joke asking if he was "Scared to get capped?" and for damn sure as serious as someone could be he responded "Yeah." ..wow. I ended up leaving and my car was fine though, Ears pedaled off into the city and I drove to no end and yeah, here I am now! Laying down in my new bed (The seat of my car) writing in this journal, I swear if I make it to forty I'm gonna be laughing about this.. I hope.
 

...don't get something to eat soon I'm going to freak the hell out, I've tried walking around and seeing if there's anything I could possibly get that's relatively cheap, a food drive by a church or anything, the one in Jefferson's a no-go, I don't even know if they do food drives.

I woke up today around four in the afternoon, I stayed up until like seven in the morning yesterday for who knows why, I just layed in my car-seat trying to fall asleep and I couldn't. I drove out to the Pizza Stack afterwards (this seems like my "regular" routine) and just parked the Oceanic and went walking around to see what I can find. I started my walk down by the gym in Ganton, the atmosphere at night is crazy as hell and I kind of like it, it seems to mystical compared to the town in New York I grew up in, I could walk down the street at eight and there'd be no one outside, out here in Los Santos it seems like that's when the day starts, eight-ish. 

I got under and awning and I noticed a guy on a motorcycle behind me and someone next to him walking on the sidewalk, they were talking to each-other which I thought was weird, it kind of made sense when the guy on the side-walk flagged me down. He wasted no time speaking with me, he asked me if he could talk to me, I figured it was fine, why not? But he got weird really fast, he was telling me about his boss that was rich and if I was interested in a job, I kind of got a clue what he wanted and rolled my eyes and just shook my head, he took that as a no and we went our separate ways. 

The funny thing is though after I declined him the guy on the motorcycle kept screaming "You're dead prospect!" ..and when I left, about twenty minutes later the guy who was speaking to me was running as fast as he could from the man on the motorcycle, and the man on the motorcycle kept saying 'Faster, faster prospect!' I thought it was hilarious.

After a while I was at the Pizza Stack again but I didn't want to leave yet, I figured I'd venture out in Idlewood. There was a lot of black people out tonight which was kind of frightening. I cut past the first block of houses and behind an alley-way (looking back at it I'm probably a dumbass for doing that.) and was just kicking up dirt trying to pass time. But I overheard the commotion in a backyard I was walking by and me being me, I HAD to peak over and see what was going on. 

"He had a rubber on him, he was ready to fuck." I heard a male say as if he was speaking to another group of males. I peeked my head over and saw I guess someone being robbed, I had entirely too much adrenaline just spectating to look away, I think he had a gun to his head or something and he was pleading: "I'm on the grind jus' like y'all, come on man!" It wasn't long before I was spotted though, one of the men turned around and we locked eyes instantly and I froze up, I heard him scream out; "YO!" and I just dropped and booked it down the alley-way, I turned around once I crossed the street and saw two more of them coming over the wall as if they were about to chase me, I looked ahead and ran for my life. 

They caught up to me eventually, I ended up at the train-tracks next to the gym in Ganton and one almost got a hold of my shirt, but once I crossed the train-tracks they stopped chasing me for some reason, like there was some kind of invisible barrier. I wasn't complaining, thank god. I stopped at a bus-area's rest station and just sat down to catch my breath, I needed some kind of relief.

When I mustered the strength to get up I figured tracing back my footsteps and going where I came from probably wasn't the best idea, there was a group of African American's to my right and a group of people to my left in Ganton which I didn't know, they were probably my best bet as I wasn't sure if they wanted to kick my ass. I walked towards them, one of them had a beer in hand and kept his eyes on me as I walked up, I noticed him staring at me but I didn't look back, I just kept walking. By now I should just know what my luck is, unfortunately he flagged me down and started talking to me, he was a nice guy, he asked me if I wanted a beer, but standing on the corner with about seven other men around me who I didn't know did not seem like the best idea, I respectfully declined. He kept trying though, his friend even walked up humbly and tried to talk to me too, I just did not feel safe out there at all, I felt alienated for sure.

It took me about ten minutes but I got out of there, he said: "If you have to go..." and I kind of took it as my window of opportunity to leave. I don't think I should have though, when I was walking away I was washed over with some kind of regret, like I was missing out on something. I needed the social interaction and they seemed nice.. I figured I'd just go and do it, why not? Maybe I'd even see Ears there or something, but I didn't. I walked back over and he knew what was going on, he looked at me with a huge smile and said 'Change your mind?' and I just hesitantly nodded and said: "Maybe" he totally knew though. 

He had his friend go get me a beer and I cracked it open and took a swig immediately, I remembered to limit myself though! (you go girl) because I hadn't eaten. We just kind of started conversing, he asked me where I was from, he was shocked to hear New York, he got my name, which he said was beautiful (so corny haha) this is all his friend by the way, not the guy who offered me the beer. And yeah, I ended up getting really nervous again though, I just kind of took the beer to go and said I'd catch them around, surprisingly they didn't really seem too offended by it either, which I like. They understood how I felt. I got their names, Nando and Dom, Dom being the one who spoke to me more, Nando being the more reserved kind of guy.

When all was done I said my good-bye's, got a few occasional hoots from some random guys who were there and a lot of eyes glued to me, I think it was because I was Asian. I got to the gym and heard the footsteps of someone who was running and immediately got scared. Dom was behind me and he wasted no time asking me for my number, he asked if I had a phone and I said yeah and gave him my number.. why not? He was nice! Nando just sat and watched with a kind of depressed look which looking back I kind of feel bad for now but.. Dom had the courage. I left and he said thanks, I mentioned that I haven't had a good meal in a while, here's to him taking me out? Let's hope. Until then we watch and see how the story unfolds.
 

...always find myself in the most messed up situations, really? I ended up calling my dad last night around eleven or something and asked him if he could Western Union me seventy-five bucks for a book I needed for the "acting school" he thinks I'm going to, and sure enough he did it and I got the money ten minutes later. I put fifteen of it into gas and spent another 5 at the Burger Shack and now I'm broke, it's literally practically ALL gone. Ugh, I hate being so fucked up sometimes! I don't know why I keep doing this to myself!

I was driving down in Idlewood as usual, low and behold drama pops off in-front of the Pizza Stack (surprise).. I was minding my own business when this kid across the street got smacked by a car backing up into him. Me being me and the soft side I have I had to pull over, thankfully there was a Sheriff on scene to kind of mellow things down, I turned off my car, stepped out and immediately asked if he was alright. 

He didn't seem that hurt and the Sheriff reassured me he wasn't but I didn't stop there, noooo Katie, you just had to keep offering your help. He eventually got up and I kept my eyes on him, the kid mentioned something about "Now I have no way home" and the Sheriff really suggested a cab, but I immediately offered him a ride. The Sheriff was at least nice enough to take the bike out of the road for the kid but he wasted no time thanking me for offering the kid a ride and leaving. I was the one who ended up taking the bike by the frame and lifting it into the back of my vehicle and storing it off in the trunk.

A short while after we both got into the car and I had asked him once more if he was alright, and he said he was. Thank goodness. He told me he lived in El Corona and I was off, taking him home in no time. We made small talk, he told me his name was Shorty and I exchanged names with him. He seemed really reserved for some reason, the tattoos on him made him look like an outlaw, for some reason though his age drew me away from that, I didn't really consider it frightening because I was a tad bit older. I ended up stopping in the flats, it was so quiet outside the place honestly didn't seem so bad. 

He insisted on getting the bike out of the back of the car on his own and I didn't wanna force anything on him, and to my surprise he did it. He kept complaining about not having a bike anymore though, like he was almost surreptitiously begging for me to give him money, and guess what. I caved. I was hanging out of my window waving a fifty-dollar bill at him, begging him to take my money! Begging HIM TO TAKE MY MONEY! He said he didn't accept charity! Eventually he smartened up and took it, I told him I'll come back someday to get a favor from him and I meant it, I'm probably going to need one now that I've got what, five dollars to my name and a stomach that gets hungrier by the second! Ugh, being stupid is a disease.
 

...and it's about damn time. I didn't end up falling asleep yet and I'm drained, this car seat's getting so, so uncomfortable to be in right now, I swear. Due to my lack of sleep I decided to get up and drive around, I'm on E though so I've got to be careful of how much I drive, don't wanna be out of gas completely. I ventured out of Verdant Bluffs and back into town, I figured I'd roll through Ganton to see if I saw any familiar faces, I didn't though. 

I don't quite know what street I was on but I remember stopping at a light and there were two African American's behind me, I thought they might have recognized me because I swore they were the ones that might have chased me from the Idlewood robbing I witnessed but they weren't. My windows were rolled down and they pointed at my car and said something along the lines of: "Yo, look at that shit, my grandpa drives that piece of shit car!" and I didn't wanna hear any of it, I was cranky and tired and hungry.

"That's why you're walking though, bitch!" I don't know where it came from, I don't know why I leaned out of the window and shouted it at them but I did, I wasted no time speeding off though. The weird thing about it is about ten or fifteen minutes later? They caught up. I was driving down in Idlewood on my way home when I got rear-ended. I stopped and turned my car off and looked up in the rear-view mirror and guess who I saw? Them two. 

I was somewhat scared, I was in a kind of popular place so I wasn't too worried about being robbed or hurt or anything, I took my phone out and flashed it to them to kind of hint that I was calling the Police, they backed up immediately as if they were going to pull off so I turned the car on and yielded over to the sidewalk. Low and behold they came up behind me and parked when I was out of my car and walking onto the sidewalk, the first thing they said to me was: "Don't call the cops!" and I decided to take this into my own hands and try to scrape a dollar or two from them so I could eat and get some more gas in the car. We got out and looked at the damage, it wasn't long before the passenger in the car got fed up and said he was going to get some food, so it was just me and the driver sitting there trying to negotiate.

The damage wasn't bad, I had no intentions on getting it repaired so whatever money I could swindle from him I'd try to. I mentioned three hundred dollars and he didn't like that number at all. I asked him if he had insurance and he said he didn't so I knew when he said he didn't that I'd be able to at-least land some money out of him. He fought and fought with me, he really didn't want to pay three hundred. I reminded him a few times that it's only three hundred, he could be arrested for driving without insurance, have to pay bail, have to go through the DMV fees to get the license back, it could end up being a trip that's worth at-least a thousand dollars, so three hundred seemed like a good deal! His friend ended up returning and the situation was getting tense, he was pissed I still had the driver there and we didn't come to an agreement. 

Eventually he finally had an offer for me, he asked me if I played games, I didn't wanna tell him I didn't have a house to play any in so instead I just said I didn't have a system. He still tried to push his offer on me though, he said he'd give me a few copies of the new Grand Theft Auto and a hundred and fifty bucks and I instantly denied, I just wanted cash it was the only thing useful for me. He took out a wad of money with a sigh and counted through it, it was clear he had enough money to front the three-hundred but he was more and more hesitant, I just didn't want to leave empty handed. He gave the passenger a long stare and looked over at me and started flicking out fifties. I was happy but it wasn't the time to show it, I approached him as he got to two hundred dollars and said that's fine, he handed it over and I told him to have a good day and quickly got into my car, he didn't respond.

I felt like I won for some reason, I didn't have insurance either but I used my wits to get the money, I was proud of myself and believe me, I celebrated. My first stop was the Pizza Stack, I grabbed a salad and a water and ate inside alone, which reminds me Dom hasn't called me at all, oh well I guess he's just not interested! I have more priorities to focus on anyway, like getting a job, I should start looking. Anyway I ate and got out of there, I'm writing this now because I'm tired. I might drive out and take a nap in the parking-lot I usually do, I gotta grab a shower soon and start hunting for jobs, I hope it'll work. I've got some money on me and nothing but ambition to grow in my sights, here's to a future!
 

...and I have never loved it more! To be devoted to letting all see what it is to live in the love of others. To live in the love of my brothers and spilling back all that anyone has ever spilled for me, to show that to those who have never seen. Four years ago we planted a seed, found that foundation that we need! Strived for the perfect balance to show love and show compassion.." I love We Came As Romans, I swear they're the only thing getting me through California. I woke up today feeling surprisingly better and I don't know why! I went to a twenty-four seven and grabbed a pop real fast, I was feeling thirsty and I didn't feel like brushing my teeth yet. The first thing on my agenda today was getting a shower and it was hard, but I made it work. I went down to Verona Beach where there was a gym and bought a one-time pass for five dollars, basically you can come in and work out for five bucks and use all of their stuff for a day. 

I just went in and used the shower and now I finally smell good! I figured with my new-found confidence and smell I would go out today and try to find a job and that's exactly what I did, right when I got out of the gym from showering I hit the road and sought out a new job! I'm sick of living off of luck and in the back of my Oceanic. I parked in some complex down the street from the gym (I don't know why so don't ask.) and on my way back I was just walking and admiring the view.

I noticed two or three Latino men in front of some kind of building which I later found out was a club just talking. I got nervous but decided to walk by them, they were all clearly older then I was and inked up from what looked like head to toe, they were all around a Broadway. I was looking at them out of the corner of my eye and I guess they noticed, right when I saw them look at me the flagged me down and approached me, the first one approached me immediately asking me questions left and right, really bombarding me which made me feel really uncomfortable the rest of the night. 

We spoke for a while, it was mostly them questioning me and me staring down at my shoes like a little school girl because I didn't know what to say to any of them. Over time I started to loosen up, I learned that I was at club Industry which apparently was one of the hottest spots around and I was a loser for never hearing about it, haha only if. It ended up to where I was invited inside even though it was closed, I'd never been inside of a club because, yeah.. I'm only twenty years old. It was so bright inside I had to squint and cover my eyes with my arm, to them it was like another day at the office. The first guy I met told me to come with him and I did, the other two went off somewhere on their own but I felt relatively safe for some reason.

He offered me a drink and I respectfully declined, but I was really really hungry and I remember asking him if he had a kitchen in the club, to you know, serve food to their customers. He said they didn't because serving food wasn't worth it to their business or didn't appeal, I forgot what the specifics were but the answer was no. And there it was, yet again I got another flood of nervousness because I was going to ask him if we could go get something to eat there but, hard to eat at a kitchen they don't have. He asked me why I asked him and I made up some bullshit excuse like "Oh, I don't know I was just curious" haha, I'm a loser. 

I guess I turned around just in time, the other two were approaching and I needed some release before I clammed up and started making myself sound stupid. The two other men came over for a drink and I left to explore the club, looking back on it I don't even think I said anything to them, just leaned off of the counter and left. I walked across what seemed to be the dance floor which was awesome I must admit, so many strobe lights and thumping music. I can definitely tell why people would like this kind of environment. I ended up hustling up some stairs to what was a lounge area I guess, it over looked the dance floor and was a really awesome view, maybe it was the VIP section. I made my way over to a couch and plumped back in it, I just wanted to sit and collect myself for a moment because in a few minutes I know I was going to ask them about a job, and I sure as hell didn't want to seem awkward about any of it.

My hands were so cold and smooth when I slid them over my face it was so refreshing, like a breath of new air. I took a minute after that and pushed my hair off to my shoulders and stared ahead of myself for a little bit, then pushed myself up and committed to walking back over to the other boys. When I walked back over they were all talking, the first thing I heard was about eMe, I wasn't an idiot, I knew what the eMe was but I didn't know why they were talking about it, it sounded like they were talking about the past they had with eMe or something, how they killed two of their "boys" in front of their faces and they couldn't do anything about it, this was all one man preaching to the other two and that's how I learned their names.

The one was standing in the center drinking and the other two were lingering around, he mentioned their names and looked at them when he said them, I caught him saying "Casp" and "Este". Este was the one who approached me when I was outside and started bombarding me with questions, Casp seemed nice, he made a lot of jokes, even got me to laugh once which was cool. Casp seemed to get annoyed by the conversation though, when the one standing in the middle of them kept dragging it out Casp slammed down his glass of Hennessy and went outside and he followed behind him, leaving me and Este in the club alone.

Este approached me and just started talking, I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or not but I didn't really care, all this talk about eMe and losing "friends" was enough for me, I just wanted to leave. Este asked me if I wanted to dance, and I told him I didn't really like dancing particularly because I wasn't good at it and didn't really like it at all. He didn't listen though, all he wanted to do was dance apparently, he told me it was non sense to not like dancing, he clearly didn't understand. I felt him tugging at my hand and I whipped it back, I told him I didn't want to dance and the fact that he was pressing me I found was pretty annoying. I re iterated that I didn't want to dance. Este finally understood what I meant and backed off, I let him know I just wanted to leave. 

I was beyond uncomfortable. I trailed out of the door and Este followed, the first thing I noticed was the guy and Casp outside talking, Casp was leaning on the Broadway having a cigarette and the other dude was just talking to him, still. I imagine Casp started getting pretty annoyed. I stepped onto the sidewalk and just separated myself, whipping out my phone I just wanted to get lost in it for the moment. I should have known it wouldn't last long though, the guy's name who I didn't know whipped out a picture and him Casp and Este were reminiscing over it and I just approached, hoping not to just break the conversation up and get flack for it. 

I waited for a break in it and kind of forced my way in with a subtle question: "So, do you guys work here or something?" and they all looked at me, Casp was the first one to respond, he said: "Kind of? We all technically own it." and I knew from there I could do my best to sneak my way in here doing something. I just nodded my head and kind of put it out there I wanted to work here but I tried to do it as subtle as I possibly could, go me...

"Well, do you guys know a place hiring?" they all looked kind of amused that I didn't directly ask them if I could work here. I mean I just met them! Why would I try and impose that on them, they kind of liked me I think. Casp immediately replied "Do you mean here?" and I responded "Well, yeah.. here or anywhere" and Casp said back with kind of a questioning tone and a shrug "I guess we could do something for you here, do you know how to bartend?" and I sure as hell didn't, I wasn't even old enough and I told him that. "I'm not old enough.." .. "Well, how old are you?" Casp said questioningly "Twenty" ..and his response was a mere "Oh." great I thought. I recommended that I can do something easy like clean up after the club closes or something, just anything to get me a steady pay. Casp was about to respond but the third man seemed to get upset at the conversation or something inside bothering him, he hopped in the Broadway and Este followed him asking him if he could drive or something, me and Casp stood in the distance and watched them talk, Este lowered his tone and next thing I know they were arguing over who could drive there. I guess Este isn't the alpha-male because sure enough he got in the passenger seat over time.

Este and the other guy drove off and that left it down to me and Casp, we just started talking about the job, basically picking up where we left off. I told him I wouldn't mind doing anything, heck I'd even stay after and clean up the place like I had previously recommended and he didn't seem to have an issue with it, so I guess that's what we agreed on. I am still a little shaky on it. I ended up telling him I had recently moved out here from New York and am trying to make it on my own, I told him my dad was expecting me to become some big actress, he told me I was out here to become the next Lucy Lee (who I still have no idea who that is) and I just laughed. I mentioned after that conversation that it might be good if he had my number so he can call me and tell me when it's time for me to come in or something, the hiring process seemed really un professional so I doubt he's got schedules or anything and it's probably under the table work, but whatever. 

He gave me his phone to put my number in it and I did, of course as I'm doing it he gets a phone call and I hurry up and put my details in it and give it back, he immediately answers and talks for the course of a minute. Right as he hung up guess who pulled around the corner? You got it! Este and the other guy.

They pulled up and I figured that was my cue to get out of there. When they walked over I let everyone know I had to go, Denver was about to play Oakland and I told them I didn't wanna miss it, best excuse I thought of seeing as that's all that was on the gym's television, the football game. I of course don't have a television let alone a place to watch it if I did. They seemed kind of sad that I was leaving and I had no idea why, I was the most un social butterfly I had been to date with them but they understood, as I waved good-bye I heard the one guy's name who I didn't know say "She's a keeper" I faintly smiled but then I heard him say "Did you discuss her wages with her, yo?" and I turned around for a moment, I could tell he said it loud enough to hear me but I didn't turn around, they were all watching me leave and I kept walking forward to my car. It makes me wonder though, will I be able to live off of these wages?
 

...all of this even happen? I guess I'll start from the top. I ended up passing out last night and not sleeping that well, I woke up around five? And just relaxed in the car for a little bit, didn't have the motivation to do anything else. I love the night time, I don't know what it is about it, I think it's the anonymity of it all. It's so dark and secluded, love it. When I did manage to find the will power to get up and finally do something I was full force pedal to the metal and hitting downtown Idlewood with a passion, trying to find something to do this morning.

It didn't take long before I found Ears talking to someone in front of a light in Idlewood, totally didn't expect that and immediately pulled over and acted like an idiot trying to get his attention haha. I lowered the window and hung out of it like a retard and waved my right arm at him, shouting out his name to try and flag him over. He got the message and it didn't take long for him to come jogging over, he looked confused as if at first he didn't know it was me and I have no idea how, I thought I was somewhat recognizable, maybe he forgot me? I hope not and I know he won't after tonight.

I picked him up, didn't take much convincing and we just drove around. The first right I took he seemed to get paranoid, asking me not to drive around Unity, I didn't question him and just said "Yes master" all sarcastically. We hooked a right and drove around for a little bit, talking about nonsense here and there, the casual conversation was nice though; we had some fun. I ended up in Ocean Docks a short time afterwards, when Ears started questioning where we were is when I started to realize myself, I got lost in conversation. Haven't really had anyone to speak with in a while and have a genuine conversation with them, first once I can remember since I've been in California. 

I hooked a right after a open ware house and crossed over some train tracks when something caught my eye. I stopped at the light and backed up and said something to Ears.. "You see that car over there next to the train tracks?" I looked over to him for a second and then back over to it, hearing him say "Yeah I do.. you wanna go check it out?" I shook my head instantly, I was way too scared to check it out and I should have stuck with my gut instinct. I was never really convinced until I saw someone down there next to the vehicle, I thought they may have needed help so I rushed over there as fast as I could to come to their aid. I cut a few corners, broke a few laws and next thing I know my car's sitting on train tracks, great.

The car was an Oceanic, the same thing as mine but this one was all tricked out, Ears was going crazy over it. I could tell he was excited and he wanted a piece of it, but when we got there the car was turned on with no one around it. That's weird though because I know I had just seen someone over there next to it. Ears wouldn't shut the hell up about going over to it and checking it out, I didn't want him to get out of the car I just wanted to leave but he insisted so I caved, I backed up behind the other Oceanic and he got out, I made sure I kept the doors unlocked to my car. 

He scoped it out, cupped a hand and looked inside, I could tell by his reaction it was empty, but by the time I noticed he was okay I saw someone pedaling up frantically on a bike behind us, fantastic. I didn't say anything to Ears because I was too focused on what I could make out as male approaching us, took him about three seconds to get to us from the time I saw him, he really wanted to get us out of there.

"Get the fuck out of here!" he screamed at me and Ears, sliding a pistol out of his waist line, I got so scared I almost left Ears. I looked over to him quickly and screamed "Get in!" and Ears was too busy trying to tell the man with the gun to relax, what a freaking idiot! I yelled over to the man with the gun "We don't want any trouble, we're leaving!" as loud as I could and I meant it, I was getting so scared. 

Ears came to his senses and got in the car like a good boy and I wasted no time getting the hell out of there, the man pointed the gun at us the whole way out of there.. I'm more shocked I didn't crash looking back at it, I was all over the place. I heckled Ears to death, why was he such a dumbass in that situation? He should have got the hell in the car so we could leave and let the man do whatever he wanted with the car, it meant nothing to me. But, of course no matter how much I yelled at Ears he just seemed to laugh at me and my reaction, making fun of how scared I was; what a dick. I ended up stopping the car in Jefferson and trying to talk to him like a normal human being, I had calmed down since the situation and told him that this wasn't my kind of life style or my scene, I think he finally understood. We came to an agreement (I think) that it won't happen again and we won't get into any more of this macho-type stuff, it wasn't for me.

I was looking for a change of pace and fast. I mentioned to Ears that I had a new job and asked him if he wanted to see where I worked and find out what I did, he replied "Sure".. I took us out to Verona beach and explained to him how I found the place walking by it after the gym, I tried my best to make it seem like I was working out there hah. I parked over to the right and let the Oceanic rest on the curb, pointed over at the building and started to explain it all. He had the same questions I did about the place. 

What was it? What is it named? Him asking me all these questions make me doubt what Casp said about this being a very popular club, or the place in town "you need to be at".. I really hope it's legit. Me and Ears were about five minutes or so into our conversation when he noticed someone walking up behind the Oceanic and I followed his eyes to find someone walking onto the drivers side of the car, I tried my best to maintain my composure but I was so on edge from the last incident nothing was easy-going for me from there on out. The guy kept his hands out of view of the mirror and probably for a good reason, by the time he got to the car's drivers side door he had a knife to my neck, my heart sunk into the bottom of my stomach instantly.

He immediately commanded me to get out of the car and I for sure was not going to get my throat slit of a material object, I raised my hands and did everything he told me to do. I asked him if I could get out of the car and he said yes, but I think at the time I asked him that Ears had pulled out a knife of his own, sending the man into panic. He stabbed me in the chest and took off, by the time Ears got out of the car the damage was done and the man was running off into the early-morning sun with no hesitation. 

The pain wasn't masked by any adrenaline and I was feeling it full on, I had a feeling it wasn't fatal because I could tolerate somewhat, I wasn't in what I call a "life or death" pain. I asked Ears to get into the trunk of my car and get a hoodie or something, I think he found out at that point that I was living in my car, I had everything I owned besides the clothes on my back and my phone in the trunk. Sure enough he took it and closed the trunk fast, not even caring if I did or if I didn't which was very admirable, I glued the hoodie to my chest to control the blood leakage and asked Ears to call a paramedic, he was two steps ahead of me.

"Yeah uh, my friend got stabbed in the chest, we're uh-.. in front of Club Industry." and with that, he hung the phone up and knelt down by my side and looked at me, I think examining if I was okay or not. I did what I could to stay calm, I knew help was on the way, I think I may have broke a few toes or two by curling them so hard to alleviate the pain in my chest though. The paramedic got there very fast though, literally in like two minutes, Ears flagged him down and he ran over to me with Ears and his first-aid kit I am assuming. 

Right when the doctor got there though a middle-aged African American was trailing behind him, which was very strange, the doctor started to put gauze of my wound when the man interjected himself in the middle of everything, claiming he had been a doctor up in Chicago and had his "jacket" with him. I didn't think things could get anymore out of place? I was wrong. He literally -shoved- the paramedic out of the way as he was trying to aid me and he took his place, kneeling down to my left! The paramedic claimed he was going to call the police though and the man got up quickly, Ears wasn't having any of it, he wanted to fight the man interrupting the doctor. 

So let's break all of this down, phew. Ears and the African American start to fight, Ears gets him in a headlock and the man starts to knee Ears in the balls to try and get him down or something, the paramedic is scrambling around to try and get a stretcher, meanwhile I am bleeding out, fantastic. Ears and the man eventually stop, the man runs away from ears and the doctor finds the time to get my onto a stretcher and into the back of his mock-ambulance. As I was getting loaded I'm sure I saw Ears and the African break out into another fight.

I got rolled into All Saints General Hospital in no time, ushered into an elevator and lifted up to the operating room where I was isolated onto a more comfortable bedding. The doctor came in and waste no time on operating, the first question he asked me is if I wanted to be knocked out during the procedure or awake on painkillers, that was a no-brainier for me, knock me out. I kept my eyes on the ceiling and my heart in the right place, recovery. He injected me with some kind of drug and low and behold I was passed out in a matter of minutes, thank goodness.

When I woke up I was in the recovery room, my chest has a very terrible pain and I was woozy, in and out of sleep due to the drugs. The doctor has his finger in my face and that took my a second to notice, he had to say something for me to open my eyes. "How many fingers am I holding up?" I didn't care at all, I just wanted his hand out of my face so I answered honestly so he'd move on.. "One" I said dully. And he nodded to confirm I was right, just one. The worst decision out of everything was me trying to roll over on my left, I put entirely too much pressure on the wound I had and I screamed out in pain and fell right back over onto my back, that's when I realized Ears and his friend were in the Hospital I assume to check on me, they heard my screech and came through the recovery room doors. I looked over at the doctor as he began to speak to me, he said nothing internally was damaged and for the most part I was okay, I had no infection and he felt that I didn't need any painkillers, I wish I could have decided that, I'd have some right now because this is hurting.

The cheeky doctor, after he got done speaking to me he reached down into a night-stand next to the bed I was laying on and got me a lollipop, like I was some kid. I mean, I didn't mind because it was delicious, don't get me wrong, but I just found that kind of out of the ordinary? I laughed and accepted the lollipop, although laughing just put too much strain on my chest and hurt like heck. 

The doctor seemed like he was in a rush to leave, he said they were short staffed and he'd love to stick around and chat but truly had to go, I didn't mind, I would've liked some rest. Ears and his buddy were standing at the foot of my bed near the door when me and the doctor said our goodbyes, the doctor ran out of the doors and Ears and his buddy casually followed him, except Ears stood in the doorway and spoke to his buddy who was on the other side, about two minutes later Ears came in alone. He asked my how I was doing, I told him that living the "thug life" was too dangerous and I couldn't do it anymore, he laughed and caught my sarcasm. I asked him if he'd ever been stabbed before, he said no and I re assured him it wasn't a fun thing to experience, it actually sucks terribly. 

Our conversation lasted a whole five minutes, I was tired and I could tell Ears wanted to go so I made it clear I was ready to go to bed and he got the hint, we said our goodbyes and he ended up walking out when I closed my eyes, the last thing I heard before I went to bed was "She totally wants me"..
 

...I guess in the end it's worth it, this stab wound's had me out of commission for a few days and I can't do anything other then lay in my car and reflect on how I got here. I couldn't imagine if dad found out I got stabbed, he'd probably send me on the first plane back to New York tomorrow morning haha. I'm a big girl though, I can stick it out, right? I have spent so much time sitting in this car drawing and doodling over the past few days trying to wait the stab-wound out so I can go out and try to do something, I'm becoming lifeless. 

Casp hasn't called me about the "cleaning up" janitor-thing I was going to do at the club and I'm not too hurt over it, oh well.. you win some and you lose some and I don't feel like this job's going to come through, I guess I'm just going to have to keep looking for more employment.

Life's stale as of late, I'm going to try and get out when I can.. I just wanted to jot this down to remind myself I'm still alive if I end up reading this when I'm fifty haha.
 

...finally get on my feet! I can sleep on my sides now. What was once a battlefield of stitches has faded away and now I'm left with a bright pink, I assume soon to be scar. My chest feels a lot better and I can do things like cough and laugh without much pain, finally! It's been a while since I've written, this wound has just consumed me so much. I was so lazy the other day I literally ordered pizza and had it delivered to my car because I couldn't sum up the strength to drive down to the Pizza Stack, good job Kate.

Okay! So what's next on my agenda! Hmm. I definitely want to get back out and start searching for more jobs. This Casp dude isn't calling back so, what ever! I'm gonna clean out this damn car and get another shower at the gym and hit the streets tomorrow, see you soon Los Santos!
 

...of this hollow shell! I feel good right now and I need to go outside! Right after I wrote my last entry I drove down to the gym casually, thank god it's open twenty four seven. I got in and no one was there except the lady behind the desk, I handed her the five dollars to have my daily pass and she smiled and welcomed me, she was probably happy it was dead in there, I know I would have been if I worked there. I took my shower and flew out, brought my own towel this time and a change of clothes inside, which reminds me I need to do laundry somewhere. 

I'm running low on clean clothes, ugh. On my way out she stopped me and asked me if I just come in there to take a shower, she was there last time apparently and I didn't know what to say, I just said no I had a phone call from someone important and I had to get out of there as fast as I could. I know she didn't believe it but I stuck to my story, I didn't want to admit it and get into any kind of trouble. I just did what I could to kill her with kindness.

After that situation I went down to a gas station near Richman for the vacuums, those things cost me a dollar fifty in quarters which I had to go inside to get change for, when the heck did it cost almost two bucks to vacuum out a car!? Anyway I did a little organization and got some Febreze from inside and sprayed out the car, it smells and looks brand new! By the time I got that out of the way I was plagued with thoughts on how to find a job, This whole applying thing wasn't working out, I mean to be honest I didn't put forth that much effort other then trying to get a job at club Industry but I just don't see it happening, business isn't really booming out here in Los Santos. 

I remember watching a video on YouTube when I was back in New York talking about people getting jobs and making it into the real world, I remember someone saying that it doesn't really matter what skill you have in a trade, I mean.. he said it did matter, but not as much as who you know who is in that respected trade and what your relationship is with them, I remember him saying having 'connections' is one of the secret keys to making it in this world, knowing the right people.

So with that thought I ventured into the back of my brain to run over some of the people I know, I scratched off the people from club Industry because that was quickly becoming a bridge that will be burned, I was left with Ears, Dom, Nando and Shorty. I barely spoke to Nando and Shorty and I haven't even seen or gotten more then two texts from Dom. I hung out with Ears the most so it was time to try to get something out of him. My mind was set on finding him and that's what I set out for, I left Richman and went straight to Ganton hoping I'd catch Ears on the streets. 

I circled in front of the gym for a moment and looked down the road, I saw someone who I thought was Ears and drove by, it was him. I don't know why I just kept driving the first time I saw him, maybe it was un-certainty, I mean after all he was talking to someone on a motorcycle anyway. I went back and circled around the block, passing Ten Green Bottles once more before I looped around to the gym.

I found myself parked across the street moments later, Ears was talking to someone on a bike and it was really, really fishy. I just shut the car off and waited, I was committing to this! It wasn't long before the guy on the bike ever so casually just handed Ears money, and that's when it clicked. I could get into drug dealing! I've never done it before, it might not be easy money, but it's money! 

I just need to do things right and I will have no problems, right? I could try to get the drugs from Ears and I could ask for a little advice on where to sell it, wear a hat and other things to try to hide my identity as best as I could, there would be some way I could sell, right? Right? Ears looked around for a moment, giving me some sort of recognition as I flared my eyebrows, watching the two deal. Ears shuffled towards the man on the bike, and exchange was made and in the snap of a finger the man on the bike drove off, which left Ears with nothing to do but approach the car.

Ever since I had the idea of dealing the only ideas running through my head were different deal scenarios, I wanted money and I needed it bad. I'm tired of living in a car, but living in a cell is no better. What risk was I willing to take? Ears approached the drivers side and I casually rolled down the window and asked him if he wanted to go for a ride, he said "Sure" and strolled around to the passenger side, I rolled up my windows and unlocked the doors. "Wait, do you think we could stay here?" Ears said, I hesitated for a moment and wondered why he'd want too but I guess I couldn't hurt. I asked him for a good place to park and he led me around the other side of the rafters and I parked up and hopped right out of the car.

I didn't waste much time when I walked over to him haha, looking back I probably seemed like a cop. I started to blitz him with questions and he answered them truthfully, I wasn't that dumb I knew what went down I just wanted him to admit it so I could come somewhat closer to a resolution with me dealing. It only took two questions for him to start patting me down, he let his hands run over my upper-chest, thank god he didn't feel me up.. he was genuinely checking for a wire and that surprised me. Did I come off as a cop? I didn't think so, he barely missed my stab wound and to no avail he didn't come up with a wire. 

I sat in idle with him for a while, I was nervous for most of the questions I asked and he seemed to love it, I found out he was selling cocaine from what I believe, he told me white stuff and I didn't think it was crack due to him saying it was powdered. Apparently cocaine goes for forty a bag, or whatever he had in the little bag, he didn't give me a weight. I ended up asking him if he could help me get it, he said he could get it for me, so maybe this is the beginning of a new era for me, something scary but something that pays the bills. I don't even care anymore honestly. I need an apartment and lights and a home, I can't stand living in this freaking car! He told me he'd be able to get it in a couple of hours and I gave him my number, right now I'm sitting in the car waiting for a text back, hopefully he comes through.

I'm sitting in my little parking spot where I haven't been bothered yet by the police, so I'll consider this spot my home for now. I really hope Ears comes through with the stuff and we get something rolling. I would really like for this to work out. I need the money so bad I can't stress it enough! I'm just scared of what could happen, you know? 

Like what if I pick this up, sure I might get some money, but what if I don't get any money? What if I get caught? What happens if my parents find out? Holy crap they'd come down here and swoop me up so fast and take my back to New York, I have no idea. I just, for some reason am attached to this place, like I can make it out here on my own, all I need is the determination. I guess I'm going to go to the library and see if I could use the computers to do some research on selling... okay maybe I'm losing my mind, that's a terrible idea, ugh! I have no idea what I'm going to do or where this is going to end, God help me please.
 

...nerve wrecking situations I have ever been in in my life. I ended up getting a text while I was driving around trying to kill time, it was Ears. He came through for me! He told me he was where we were earlier down in Ganton, in front of his house and I wasted no time getting down there. I cut so many corners, almost thought I was going to get pulled over by a few cops as I ran a couple of red lights and did a casual California stop but they didn't seem to care, thank goodness because I was for sure on a mission!

I pulled up in front of the projects where he lived and I was never more nervous in my life, it was so run-down looking. The paint on the walls was blue, what was left of it. It ran red down most of the sides, the paint peeling off. From complex to complex there were clothes lines with an assortment of clothes hanging from them, ranging from underwear to socks. When I walked through I got a lot of stares, people inside apartments looking at me like I was some sort of alien, a creature they had never seen before. I think that bothered me the most. The random shouts emitting from the windows keeping me on my toes all the time, I'm pretty sure I was even called a fiend. 

When Ears noticed me he hopped up off of his feet and approached me, he wasted no time talking, his pants sagging and a forty-ounce he sipped on resting in his right hand. He fit the project scene, that's for sure. He told me he was going to be giving me heroin, I was so petrified I didn't even know if I showed a reaction or not, heroin? Why couldn't he give me weed? It was such a huge drug to sell off of the bat. That's a drug you sell to junkies or desperate college students, and junkies who buy heroin will kill me for the assortment of five baggies I have. 

I'm going to have to try to search for teenagers to buy this off of, there's gotta be some tactic here. He explained to me this goes for forty a bag and he gave me five bags, so I should be able to make two hundred off of this, and he said he wanted half, so that's a hundred for him and me. If I can sell that in a day that's good money, a hundred dollars a day for just starting out? I like the sound of that.

He handed me the drugs, I took them and hid them in my jacket pockets real fast while I looked around, there were Police on the other side of the street who just so happened to pull off in their car after he handed me the drugs, I swear to God if he was taking pictures of Ears giving me the heroin, we're both effed, this is a heavy drug. I turned back over to Ears and gave him a hug real fast, he was helping me out. The hug didn't last long though, I got the heck out of there as fast as I could, jetting over to my car and wasting no time getting back to the parking spot I called home. For the past couple of hours I have been staring at these baggies, the white powder-like substance with a hint of yellow, please Jesus let this be my ticket to fortune or stability, please.
 

...get myself into this time. I ended up falling asleep last night after I wrote my journal entry, I was too tired and this morning was crazy as hell for me. I slept good, no one bothered my and I didn't wake up once all night. When I finally did wake up I just sat in the car for a minute, leaned back and grabbed a two liter of Mountain Dew and got to work clearing my morning breath. Through casual sips of Mountain Dew and Ears racing through my mind I had no idea what I was going to do with this Heroin, if I told it to someone I was a convinced criminal, if I didn't sell it I was a convinced homeless woman at the age of twenty, woo hoo! I had so many wonderful options. 

I must have sat there for about twenty minutes thinking of a lot of scenarios. I could sell the drugs, get the money and get away with profit. I could sell the drugs and get caught by the cops. I could sell drugs to a cop on accident and then go to jail for years on end and really be effed. I could sell drugs to someone and they could just beat me up and or do worse to me and make off with the drugs. As I kept thinking and thinking I came to the realization that selling drugs as a woman is probably not a good idea, seeing as I could just get my ass kicked and the drugs stolen, and the only way to circumvent that was to carry a weapon. 

There was no way in the seven sea's I was going to tote a pistol, I could carry a knife but it's almost not effective and I don't know where to get a good one. I just.. ugh, I spent too much time thinking of "What if" then actually going out there and doing it. I was being way too counter productive.

I ended up finally getting it in my head that I was going to do it, I wasn't going to mess around anymore. I just wanted to go out there and get the burden off my mind, and get these drugs off of myself. I kept the heroin on the passenger seat which was probably a stupid idea if a cop walked by and knocked on the window and asked what I was doing sleeping in my car in a parking lot, but I guess fate let it be because nothing happened or came from it. 

I leaned over and grabbed all five baggies and shoved them in my left pocket and grabbed my keys, flicked on the ignition and set out for Idlewood. Ears told me that he usually sells in Idlewood, near the Pizza Stack, he made sure he let me know he worked at the Pizza Stack too, I think he has a lot of pride in it haha, working at a pizza shop, hey.. whatever gets the kid motivated let it be. His advice seemed to be the first thing I was going to try. I ended up getting there in about ten minutes, my nerves racing over and over heavily and it was wearing me down, I totally didn't want to do this, but then I looked back at my house, which is my car and I decided that it was time for a better life for myself and sucked it up.

When I got out of the car I noticed someone next to me in a Skyline, it was a nice car but he didn't seem like the kind of guy who did hardcore drugs outside of cocaine. I walked past him and his car and scooted over towards a man I saw standing over to the right. He was in front of some kind of sports car but I didn't think it was his, I approached him and tried my best to pitch the heroin off on him. When he opened the hood of the car I figured it was his but I was going to try anyway, as slick as I could be I went over to him and started the conversation. "Hey." I said as I got next to him, he looked over at me and smiled but didn't say much. 

I proceeded to ask him if he needed a fast way to make very good cash. He replied to me with a "I already make good cash." and nodded down at his car. I hated the rejection so I nodded my head and told him thanks for his time and walked over to my Oceanic, when another man said: "Let her speak, dog." 

I don't know if he was friends with the guy or not but I took it as my change to get him over to me so I could try to pitch it off on him. Before I got to my Oceanic I raised one of my hands and curled my finger to motion him over and he followed immediately, I greeted him as I greeted the last guy: "Hello." he didn't waste any time diving into the conversation I left off with the other guy, at this time I started to think he over-heard it because he didn't give me a friendly hello back, he immediately said: "Girl, what'chu talkin' about?" I then cut off all forms of a casual greet and asked him if he was interested in making a quick buck, he said it depended on what it was.. so I began to spill my elaborate plan.

He seemed to be really interested, or at least I thought he was interested. He kept asking me more and more questions, how much and what am I selling and what can he sell it for. I thought I had him hooked! I told him what I had, H'.. and I told him I'd sell it to him for forty a bag, I had five bags and he could sell it to someone else for seventy a bag, making a huge profit! But, of course he didn't want it, I remember him saying: "Oh, I ain't interested in buying such a low amount." and yeah, that totally killed it. 

I was kind of discouraged, I wasn't going to lie. I thanked him for his time and got in the car and sped off, I wasn't trying to be around here pitching off drugs for the next thirty minutes, don't want any police attention reigning down on me. I went down to the Burger Shot and stopped for a quick little lunch, a junior burger and a small fry.. I didn't want to get too full. I ended up eating in Temple and taking a little bit to rest in my car before I decided I wanted to go back down to Idlewood and try to sell some more. By the time I got down to Ganton I was just driving around, I didn't know if I wanted to commit and go sell some more at Idlewood. 

I ended up driving down to what I knew as Willow field but from what graffiti told me I was in Ryda Block. I hooked a left at the twenty-four seven and went down to the gym, there were two men standing on the edge of the corner and I recognized one was Dom, he's been ducking me for about a week and he yelled my name, I just shot him a wave and kept driving. Low and behold he calls me, asking me if I want to hang out with him and Nando. It sounded like the perfect escape.

"No, I've got some stuff to sell, hit me up later we'll do something." and I hung up after we exchanged goodbye's. I found myself parked in the Idlewood Pizza Stack's parking lot when we hung up, I looked around to see if I could find any potential clientele. I noticed a black man leaning on the wall, I figured he'd be my first shot, there were a couple more people hanging around the area but he seemed like the most susceptible. 

It didn't take long before he approached me though, he came up nonchalantly and asked me if I wanted to buy a glock nineteen, I shook my head and said no and he walked off all pissy. I got out of the car and walked over towards him, all I had to do was convince him that what I had on my could sell for some profit, the only reason he was selling guns was to make money, right? He'd be an opportunist. As soon as I walked over to him he frowned and the Hispanic who was leaning on the wall behind the Pizza Stack came over and I froze conversation. I didn't know if he knew the guy or the guy was a cop or what he was, the Hispanic asked me what was up, I said nothing.. trying to talk to this guy, and I pointed to the African American. The Hispanic nodded his head and walked away and I dove into conversation head first.

"You're a man who sells things, I assume you're about the money, huh?" I asked, clearly trying to peak his interest as much as I could while trying to pitch these drugs onto him. He responded with a "Chea" and said he was a man about his paper, I nodded my head and continued the proposition. "If I told you I got something for you, a way for you to make some quick green, would you be interested?" I asked, looking up into his eyes. "Word, without a doubt shorty." and I nodded, I knew I had him interested in the product, now I just needed to do the best I could in convincing him that this stuff was worth selling. "I got this new product, fresh off the boat, there's a huge profit in this for you if you can sell it." and he nodded his head. 

I kept speaking with him, telling him this and that and how this drug was going to be bigger the crack was when it hit the scene, but I made sure I didn't over flood this man with a bunch of bull crap. I ended up mentioning it was heroin and he frowned and looked around, he gave one of those elongated sighs that usually never leads to good news. He looked down to me and told me he was going to go talk to his man and he'd be right back, I nodded and watched him walk over to the mysterious Hispanic man who was now on a pole down the sidewalk from us. They conversed for a while, he came back shaking his head and he said he couldn't do it, I was about to be real crushed.

I said okay, thanks for your t-.. I didn't finish my sentence before he said: "Hold up, yo! Shorty! I'm gonna give it a try." and I closed my eyes out of relief and sighed, I finally got it. I looked over at him and the Hispanic man was right next to him, handing him a single bill out of a huge wad of cash, he combined it with one of his bills and handed it over, two hundred dollars. Now I got what Ears wanted, I got the quota, two hundred bucks and I was to give Ears a hundred of it, and a hundred for myself. That's one hundred off of one deal, thirty minutes of work, a hundred dollars! I did it! I tried my best to hold my excitement. 

I shoved the money in one of my pockets and I took the Heroin out of my left pocket and shoved it into his hoodie pocket and told him I had to go, I didn't want to be there anymore. I wanted to reap the benefits of hustling two hundred dollars! He nodded at me and said thanks, I made sure I said "No, thank you!" and that's when he asked for my name and number... I was really hesitant about giving it out, but what if I got more product and I could sell it to him, what if he would sell it and make a profit? "Why not" I said, and handed it over to him. I really hope that doesn't bite me in the ass like I think it can. I got in the car and jetted out of there fast, went back over to my parking spot and counted my cash, I felt good knowing I had another hundred dollars to add on top of it all. Day one? That's a win in my book.
 

...what a night on the town can turn into. I took a little nap between the last little entry and this one, probably for the better half of me, selling drugs was over bearing. I decided I just wanted to take a little trip down town and relax, just re collect myself and try to get some socialization done. The only social spot known to man, at least for me is Idlewood and that's where I was heading once again, the repetitiveness is getting out of control. I drove and drove for a little bit to clear my head, caught a new song on the radio, whatever station my radio was on, it was called M.I.A by Omarion, was an awesome track and really helped me clear my mind for the moment, the message wasn't good but it'd been a while since I heard his voice dropping a new track, go Omarion. By the time I got to Idlewood I parked up in the front end of the parking lot and slide out of the car, right when I got out this amazing looking car pulled in and caught my attention off of the jump.

It must have been way, way old school because I had never seen it before, he pulled up so casually and parked across the other side of the parking lot. It was like seeing candy as a first time when you're a baby or something, I was never a huge car enthusiast but I could tell this guy had passion behind his ride, the designs on the seat sporting a company or something of that nature, right when I walked over I and another man started to inspect it, they engaged in casual conversation and I but in with some comment appreciating the car, the man who was driving it, Izzy, heard me and turned to respond. Me and Izzy were speaking for a little bit, the other man who was talking to Izzy before I was started to act fishy, as I bent over to ask about the rims, so did he. 

Izzy turned to me and I asked him if they were twenties, he re assured me they were nineteens. But as he was speaking to me, the other man bent over one of the front tires and I assumed reached in and stole something because he turned around and booked it with no hesitation, I stood up once I heard the running and looked over at Izzy questioningly, saying: "Hey, I think he just took something!" and Izzy shrugged, replying casually "There ain't nothing expensive on the outside of the car anyway, if he stole a flag or some shit I don't care." and I was left dumb founded, I'd be chasing after him if he stole something off of my vehicle, just the precedent...

Izzy and I just talked afterwards about vehicles, a few people would come up and interrupt us for a brief moment, asking Izzy about his vehicle and the more I learned the more I liked. As time flew on I mentioned to him that I drove an Oceanic parked on the other side of the parking lot. He told me he might be able to "Hook me up" or do something for me which had my interests peaked, he told me to run over there and bring my car over there and I did just exactly that, no way in hell I was going to turn this down. By the time I got back over to Izzy someone stole my spot in conversation, I couldn't really barge my way in and try to show Izzy my car so I waited inside until they stopped talking and he could divert his attention back over to me, I spent my time trying to look like I was doing something in the car. 

Eventually I got impatient and stepped out, they didn't stop talking until I finally got out of the car, Izzy started to hint to the man that he was trying to do something for me and the man understood, said his goodbye's and then left. RIGHT as Izzy came over to look at my car? The man who stole something came back and once again, Izzy's attention was diverted somewhere else.

He ended up returning whatever he stole, which was a dust cap or something like that off of the tire or rim, Izzy's reply was the weirdest part of it all, he said: "Next time just ask, holmes." which had me really confused, he came off so easy going for all the Locotes tattoos he sported, a very matured man. Izzy slapped it back onto the car and came over to mine, immediately cupping his hands over the window on the passenger front seat and glared inside, asking me if everything that was in the car was stock, I told him it was, because well.. it was! 

He nodded his head and leaned back, staring at the inside of my car as he spoke to me, he mentioned he might be able to replace my seats and I jumped immediately, my seats were so rough due to me sleeping in them I almost cried out begging for him to change him. I don't think he was convinced to do it for free, I mean he never asked me for money to do it, but I didn't know. So I got to confessing, real fast. I let him know I lived inside of the car and I think I struck a chord of sympathy inside of him, he immediately looked over to me and told me he was in the same position when he was young, I was just playing to the rhythm at that time, letting him know how hard it was. And it was hard, it wasn't like I was lying, I was just.. telling more then I wanted to tell. He changed the subject fast though, asking me what else I would like done. I wasn't going to be picky about it, I really enjoyed audio systems in cars and knew a little bit about it and we talked about car audio for a moment, subs, amps and head units. 

I think he enjoyed the conversation. He said he might be able to do something for me about the seats and audio I wanted, and if I had time I can follow him, I wasted no time in agreeing and we both got in the car, I had a huge smile on my face, he hit the gas first and I hit the gas last, heading to his car shop.

"Wanderers Corporation's Auto Shop" the sign read as he pulled into it, I trailed right behind him. He ended up parking next to a wall, I rolled down my window so I had some form of decent communication with him, he told me he was going to pop the garage open and for me to wait to pull in, I nodded and just told him to direct me when it was time. I sunk back into my seat and watched him walk over to the door and peel it open, turning around to my car and waving me inside of the garage. I leaned up and found myself parked on these car-like stilts in no time. I stepped out of the car and unlocked it, he got to work instantly and I stood by on the sidelines, the seats he hard were for an older car from the sixties he explained, he called it a Glendale. 

I nodded my head and watched him work with a big smile, he started to ask me if I was worried about the seats not having seat belts and I was, I wasn't going to lie because the Police are heavy on that in New York and I didn't know how they were down here. I asked him if he would be able to get some seat belts in soon and he said he could which was awesome, I wasn't trying to be pulled over and get a million and a half tickets for not having them, I told him I'd pay and everything but he didn't seem to care whether I said that or not. When everything was said and done, I had new seats in my car! I tested them out and confirmed to him that I loved him, he didn't show any emotion but none is better then negative in my eyes. I got out of the car and shook his hand, I was so happy for what he'd done, we scheduled a later date so I can get some sub woofers, an amp and a new head unit in my car so I can start jamming out which was awesome. We said our goodbye's, I honked and headed home ready to sleep in my new car seat slash bed, whatever you want to call it now. Here's to a very misty morning, and a good night's sleep, cheers.
 

...really come through this time, I started my day driving around carelessly. I had a little bit of money in my pockets and I had not a care in the world, until I realized I had no seat belts, yikes. I drove around for what must have been five minutes, there were so many police on the prowl it was scary. Shootings here and there it seemed even though I heard nothing, literally looked like the L.A. Riots all over again, my goodness. Dom ended up texting me through my drive and asked me what was up, I texted him back and said "Nothing, driving around you?" and his dork self replied "stoned" in all lower case like he was way too high to text me back with a capitalization, I don't know why it made me laugh so hard but I had to stop at the red light for an extra couple seconds before it turned green. Luckily no cops pulled me over which for some reason launched me into thought about yesterday, getting the new seats from Izzy, selling the drugs I had gotten from Ears. I felt like I was starting to make it out here, for the first time I had a glimmer of hope I could do it, I.. could.. do.. this.

Before I knew it I found myself at an intersection somewhere in Crystal Gardens, for some reason there was a Nebula infront of me with a few people inside of it, doing what? I have no idea. But infront of them there was another person just standing in the middle of the road doing absolutely nothing with his time, and of course he was in my way. I raised my right hand and did what I could to politely ask him to move without speaking to him, he didn't budge; of course. When I looked over to my left I noticed the Nebula was pulling up beside me and my driver's side window was down, the first thing I heard was: "A'ye, girl." And I did what I could to make sure I didn't acknowledge them and provoke the males. 

The driver was the one speaking to me and he didn't seem like he was going to go anywhere, when I looked over at him he shifted his car either into gear or park, at this point I was starting to get nervous about everything. "Relax, lil' lady." he said, as if trying to calm me down for some reason, I tried waving the man out of the road one more time, didn't work; at all. The man in the Nebula kept speaking, his eyes locked on me, saying "You wanna make some money?" now I of course did, but probably not by his standards, I had something in mind. 

I had enough at this point, I looked behind myself and hit reverse, getting behind the Nebula, I looked ahead and accelerated around the group in no time, burning out I think in the process, the poor dude, all I heard as I was driving away was a distant yell that consisted of: "C'mon girl, this some real money right here! .. You ain't gotta do nothing you ain't wanna do!"

When I got to thinking about Dom saying he was stoned I took a couple minutes to find the right reply to send to him, if he had weed then he had someone he got it from or he grew it himself, maybe I could find out where his source of weed supply was from and sell it? Get some more money? I don't know how long pushing H' with Ears is going to last, and I know weed is a lot easier to sell, especially at Los Santos High School I assume, I'm gonna try that one day. Anyway I asked Dom if I could pick him up because I wanted to talk to him, he said sure, he didn't mind. When I ended up finally getting down to the Ganton gym he was in a group with three other people, one of them making sure to say to Dom before he got into the car: "You be good to her, you dick." 

I pulled up beside the gym and just honked, he followed the vehicle. He made a comment about the seat belts so I made sure not to drive that far, I pulled around the corner into the parking lot in front of Ten Green Bottles and slid right into conversation. "I can trust you Dom, right?" .. "Of course" he spattered out, sounding somewhat confident. I then began to tell him how I got into the drug trade, I didn't mention any names, but I let him know I needed help, he got weed from somewhere and I wanted to get in on it.

"I got uh-." he muttered out casually. "Fifteen dimes right now." now I knew what a dime was, and I knew what a nickle was. But I wasn't a huge dope head back in the day. I have actually never to date smoked a blunt, I just was pretty street smart for what it was worth. I nodded my head, he told me he'd sell me all of the stuff he had for a hundred and fifty dollars. That's when I started to feel a little bit discouraged, I only had a hundred dollars to spent because I owed ears half of the two hundred I made off of the Heroin sale. 

I casually brought it up to him in conversation, letting him know I only had a hundred dollars and asking him if that would cut it. I made sure to keep my mouth shut before he responded so I didn't influence any decision he was going to make. He took a moment to think and then said "You know what? I can sell it to you for a hundred." and I was bouncing off of the walls, I was about to make a two hundred dollar profit off of all this weed. I immediately thanked him and leaned over to my left so I could retrieve the money out of my pocket, he wasted -no- time in saying "Money first though." and I trusted him, so it wasn't hard to fork the money over. He got out of the car slowly and told me to meet him in the alley in five minutes, I just told him to text me whenever he wanted me to come and he nodded, smiled and left.

I pulled out of the spot shortly after, the seat belt thing still bothering me I made sure I didn't drive a far distance so I couldn't get pulled over, I hit up the Pizza Stack parking lot and took my phone out and just waited, staring down at the screen. About two minutes later he sent me the text, saying: "meet me in that alley behind where we parked" and I peeled out I was almost so excited to go pick up weed, weed.. what a loser I'd become. I parked at Ten Green Bottles so I could survey the area for a moment, I didn't want any cops around while I did this, and right as I stepped out of my car after parking it, one drove by. My senses shot up. 

I sucked up my pride and continued walking across the street and toward the entrance of an alley, where I saw Domingo on a Sanchez parked off to the right, I kept my eyes on him as I approached, he did as well and cut off the engine. I nodded at him and he said: " 'This shit is called Lemon Haze.' " and I nodded, he handed me the goods and I wasted no time pocketing them it was so dank, that was the only thing I could smell while we stood there briefly, I did what I could not to say anything, I just wanted to be in and out, he let me know he might be getting some ecstasy soon and if I was interested, I could sell it. I told him I'm interested but wanna sell this batch first, he understood and drove off. I was satisfied.

I felt so good in fact, I wanted to see if I could score a beer inside of Ten Green Bottles, there wasn't anyone there from what the parking lot told me, there were two other bikes sharing the lot with my Oceanic. I walked in with confidence, I was on cloud nine! I looked over to my left and saw two men standing over there, one black and one white, the black one greeted me instantly as I entered: "Hi doll, can I help you?" and I responded for a second with an "Uhm.." as I studied them, I was so wrapped up in my own ego to realize how intimidating the men were, I tried to say whatever I could to stay neutral as he hopped behind the bar, I just asked him if they sold Mike's Hard, the other white guy said he was going to "Get his crew" while the black one hopped behind the bar, so it was just me and him. He was a sweet man, he told me he usually doesn't man the bar and I asked if the place was closed, and mentioned I was sorry for having him go through the work, trying to keep him on my side with kindness even though I probably didn't have to? 

It was a win, win situation for me. He said it was okay, but he didn't know what a Mike's Hard was, so I took a little time out to explain to him what it looked like, what it said, when I got there he knew instantly what I was talking about and said: " Oh, that. I think we got that." While diving into the depths of the supply of alcohol the bar held.

The place was really catchy to me, I loved everything about the interior of it, it was very relaxing, it almost felt like whoever did the inside of the place had an eye for interior decoration, there was a sign overhead of the place that read "Bitches die in Barbaros turf" in all red letters stapled on a black background, I don't know why it was but it was such a subtle attention getter aside from the pictures of half naked women and old men sporting their motorcycle vests and crew a long with them.

By the time I got done staring around the place, the white guy and his "crew" came back in and huddled around the bar, I had gotten the Mike's hard tossed to me when I turned around, I felt obligatory to pay as I thought I was going to have to, but I was wrong. The black man refused to take the money, I did what I could to seem as courteous as possible, I moved it back towards him and asked him to please take it as a tip if nothing else. He said if I insisted he would take it, and he did. I felt my phone vibrate and took it out for a moment, it was Ears texting me, he told me he needed the money and I let him know I was in Ten Green Bottles, he told me to come outside but I didn't respond, right when I texted him that I heard gunshots. Me being me I freaked out, the black man around the counter was so casual when I looked back at him, he said it was casual around here, and that it didn't even spook him anymore, I couldn't imagine getting used to that, wow. I relaxed and calmed down, no reason to make a scene by myself.

"I like ye' smell lass, is that blueberry kush?." I heard a voice say to me from the left, I looked up and it was someone who I later found out to be named Able. I told him it was Alaskan Thunder Punch hoping he didn't know what the product actually was, I'm sure he's smoked it a few times. I told him he could get anything for the right price, but that was when Ears walked into the club with someone else. Ears sported a bloody shirt, I assumed he got shot or something and told Able I'd be right back, I wanted to go see if Ears was okay, when I approached him he seemed mad, jealous or hurt, something. 

I asked him if he was okay, his friend drifted off into the corner of the bar and Ears said he was fine, he just needed the money. I kept my eyes on him while I handed him the hundred dollars, it just didn't feel right. I know something was wrong but he was gone before it was too late. As soon as I turned around to go back and try to sell to Able, I heard a: " Renegades', mount up!" and Able instantly looked at me with a frown, I turned around and responded with one when Ears left. The black man approached me afterwards, he re assured me he wanted me to come back later when it was officially opened, that it'd be a better atmosphere, I planned on coming back too. I gave Able my number, told him to call me as we all left the bar. I didn't want to let the sale slip my hands.

When I actually got outside though I was slammed with a bunch of Police officers and Paramedics, someone got shot or something, it was a huge scene that I somehow didn't notice inside, most of the "Renegades" were on their bikes, I sorted through the rows to get to my car, they all left when I got in the Oceanic. I backed up, the path way out was blocked by a cop car, there were a whole bunch of them standing around so I figured why not try to flag one down? I eventually did, he sighed and walked over to my car like it was a moral obligation to see what I needed, I asked him if he could move the bike so I could get out of the way, he seemed nice, he replied "Yes, ma'am." but another female officer beat him to it, she picked it up and wheeled it over to the fence, propped it up and waved at me, what a nice lady I thought. I nodded back downwards. I pulled out of the parking lot, drove around for a little bit, and got a text from Able not so long after.

"Sorry about that, I would have loved some more face time with you " was the text I received, he seemed interested so I replied back and told him about the product, I wanted to let him know that's what I was interested in regarding him. I parked over to the left and just sat there for about ten minutes conversing, he told me him and his crew were about to go roll a few joints at their club in Market across the Donut Shop and needed some weed, I told him he was in luck because I had some, he told me to roll down there, I obeyed his every command! When I got there he met me outside and hopped in the car, we had a little bit of small chat, I didn't want to cut too much time out of my night sitting here socializing with him about what-ever, I did end up finding out he's from Belfast, which I think is in Ireland? That's awesome. 

I gave him a bag of the weed and let him look at it, it was so crystallized for some reason, this must have been some high quality stuff. He sniffed it for a moment and nodded his head, asking me how much I have, I told him, and he wanted to buy it all! Score! I had him hooked and he was gonna take it all off of my hands, what luck I seem to have. He tossed over three hundred dollars, which was all profit for me, besides like a hundred of it, so it wasn't all profit, well two hundred was! And it feels so good sitting in my pockets right now! He kept inviting me inside but I respectfully declined, I told him I recorded the football game from Monday and had to go watch it, what a lie. I drove off, nothing on my mind but Ears and my money for some reason, I texted him, asking him if he was okay, he said he was but I didn't believe him so I called and asked, he kept re assuring me he was fine, but I'm not stupid Ears. I can tell something's wrong, you're only gonna be able to keep quiet for so long.
 

..is another day closer to being happy. I swear my emotions are getting more and more wishy-washy by the day, this is getting ridiculous. The past day I spent relaxing in my car, I didn't call anyone and no one called me, I actually turned on the vehicle to listen to the radio for a minute, nothing good was on but I ended up falling asleep to some Mariah Carey song, love her voice it's entirely too soothing. When I woke up I turned the car off, my gas was low from leaving it on for a handful of hours. I didn't know what today held when I woke up but I knew I wanted to get out there and see if I could at least try to start something up.

When I flicked on my car everything seemed fine, then I turned the corner and started picking up speed, next thing I know it stalled, and then ran out of gas. I did what I could to hydro-plane it off to the right but that didn't work out very well, I ended up being in the middle of the road, thank god it was a dead place though. Right when I stepped out of the car the first thing was calling Ears and seeing if I could get him to go get a gas canister with some gas or one of his homies if he couldn't drive. He ended up hanging up for some reason before I could ask him, whatever. 

But right when he hung up I got another call, literally instantly; I picked it up and it was a voice I didn't recognize, further conversation told me it was the one dude I sold Heroin to before, he actually called me! It wasn't a bad call though, the guy ended up asking me if I had any more H', I told him as discreetly as possible I had weed, the dummy goes: "You mean WEED?" and I said "Yeah, if you want to be blunt about it." I mean, how much dumber can you get? But then I remembered I sold all of the weed I had to Able so I was out of luck, I ended up telling him I'd call him back, that's when I gave Ears another ring. We talked for a couple of minutes, just about weed, I didn't end up asking him over the phone if I could get him to get some gas, he said he was dry though. I ended up hanging up and started walking, that's when I mentioned it to Ears that I was walking from Verdant Bluffs to Temple to get some gas, he didn't offer or anything, he said "Isn't there a closer gas station in Idlewood?" and there wasn't, I was practically at the beach.

I started to jog for a little bit, I ended up making it around the bend of the mall's parking garage and dashed down that road, but when I hit the end I saw a police woman drive by, I raised my right hand and tried to wave her down, I even shouted "Hey!" and she just kept driving with no recognition at all, I was so confused. I turned right and started to head towards Market when she came around again, she wasted no time pulling up next to me and asking me what was wrong. I walked to the passenger side of the car and bent over, asking her if she was busy and she ushered me to spit out what I wanted to say. I ended up telling her I really needed to get down to the Temple Gas station, someone there needed me and it was urgent, I told her I couldn't get a cab because none of them responded, I was lying my face off and the Police woman hesitated, definitely wasn't a good start to the conversation. She ended up caving and reached over, unlocked the door and told me to get inside of the car, I did without hesitation. 

We ended up driving for about ten minutes, it was really silent the way up to Temple, she just kept driving and reminding me it was against protocol for her to do this, I thanked her regardless because she didn't have to do it. I couldn't hold a lie to a Police officer though, by the time we got to a safe walking distance to where I wanted to go I told her I lied to her, she actually didn't really seem to care that much about it which was cool, she just dropped me off and left, I made sure to thank her again.

To my luck the place wasn't operational, they weren't open, whatever you want to call it I ended up being driven down there and not had a single thing in my hand to show for it. This was terrible, that's about when I texted Ears and asked him if he could help me out and he said he could, thank god. I started walking back down to Temple with nothing on my mind but today being another crazy adventure, I didn't really want one though! I don't know why, I just kind of wanted to go back in my car and relax, this was getting a little out of hand from the get go and by the looks of things today wasn't going to be one of my brightest days either. 

Turn after turn I kept texting Ears, he informed me that Nando let him drive his car, I was kind of scared to be honest, I knew Ears couldn't drive and I didn't want him hurting himself, but I had no other options really. I finally ended up getting back home, Ears was on his way down here and I was tired already, I took a seat on the curb when I heard a motorcycle hurling down the street, I looked over for a second and realized it was Able! He turned over and for some reason came over to me, he must have noticed me. He was a good filler for the time I had to wait for Ears to get here, we kept talking about whatever, he mentioned that the weed I had was good, or something of the such because I had a hard time making out his accent, I told him if I sell more I can finally move out of this car! 

He laughed and nodded and we kept taking for a little bit. He mentioned that Stage twenty five was opening soon and told me where it was, asked me if he'd see me there and I told him I would go because I had the best intentions to! But that didn't happen. I saw Ears trudging down the road as Able was about to leave and shook his hand before Ears got over to me. Able sped off and I assume went over to Stage twenty five and Ears took his spot.

Ears pulled up in front of me and had the seat all the way back, he was trying to be a little gangster haha he could barely see over the damn steering wheel! I waked up with a laugh as he was bobbing his head to Cypress Hill and shook my head in response, asking him if he got a gas can and he said he didn't have a canister. It was about then I realized I had one in my trunk somewhere, I picked it up in Ohio on the way to California, it was just buried under so much clothing I had forgotten about it for the time being, duh. I snagged it and fought with Ears for a few minutes on who was going to drive, ultimately I won and got the driver's seat, just had to adjust it so I could fit in it first. 

I sped off and down to the Temple gas station so I could at least use their gas if their store was going to be closed down. Half way there Ears called Nano and pulled a prank on him which was hilarious, he kept telling Nando he hot pulled over and he was getting arrested, I told him to mention his car was going to get towed and Nando lost his cool easily, he started yelling at Ears and we just laughed, that was probably the funniest thing I had heard all week. I finally got there and filled up the canister pretty quickly while Ears and Nando were on the phone, Nando asked Ears what was up with me and Ears must have got nervous and hung up haha, Nando called back quickly though. Ears kept the speakerphone on for the whole conversation, Nando kept saying how they had Ramen and apple sauce back at Nando's house as if he was trying to tease Ears, Ears fell for it though, Nando asked Ears if I was going and Ears asked me, I heard Nando say: "Bitches love Ramen and apple sauce." and I responded with it so Nando could hear me, which meant I was coming. I quickly filled up the rest of the canister and slid into the vehicle, next destination, Nando's.

I stopped "home" real fast and filled up the car and parked it down where I always do and sped off to Ganton, we ended up pulling in front of the Ghetto across the street from the gym which made me feel really un comfortable, I don't know what it was about that place but I really hated it with a passion. Ears was stopped by someone from his hood and they spoke for a minute before he half-assed escorted me into the home, it seemed like fifteen other people followed inside, all male, left me kind of worried in general. I didn't know anyone here but Ears and Nando. When I got into the home it sure as hell smelled like Ramen, clothes all over the floor, people going in and out of rooms, people being rude to Ears, I don't even know why I wanted to come here, what a mistake. 

I navigated my way to the living room which was decorated with dirty clothes and beer bottles tainting furniture. I was greeted by a kid asking Nando for beer, Nando said he had some and rubbed his balls, saying "It's right here!" and that cracked me up, I just hid the laugh, I didn't want to do anything but leave. I walked over to a couch and leaned on it, sliding my phone out of my pocket so I could try to find something familiar to escape too, didn't really work out all that well though, right after I did that Nando said something in Spanish and Ears came over and kept pestering me about being comfortable and relaxing, it got really annoying to be constantly told to relax even though I know he was just trying to help. Nando came over with a bowl of noodles shortly and I thanked him, making my way around the arm of the couch to plant myself onto it. Ears followed shortly after, he plumped down next to me and started working his way to an empty bowl while I was on my first bite, I didn't really like the noodles but no way was I about to dis respect anyone in this house hold by saying so, I acted like a good girl and finished that bite, and took one more before there was a knock on the door. I turned my head instantly and Ears didn't even look, two or three men came in, one of them was holding a weapon which freaked me out. I just flicked my head forward and minded my own business, my blood seemingly running cold, but luckily for me, the man with the gun walked right in front of me and Ears, flashing his new weapon.

I was leaving I decided at that point, there was no point in me being there, I didn't fit in at all, they were all gangsters and here I was, a mediocre dope seller not by craft, trying to eat noodles and hang out. I got up and asked Nando if I could use the bathroom and after heckling about how this wasn't school he said it was okay, so I instantly b-lined over to it. I shut the door and let myself sink onto the floor, I was so nervous and over-come with emotions I wanted to escape and be alone and not see a human for another week, I decided I was just going to get up and walk out as slow as I can. I pushed myself off of the floor and silently opened the door, I had about ten more steps until I got past the living room where everyone is, there wasn't a door on it so I had to move by fast and silent which was going to be hard but somehow I managed, I got past and quickly bolted out of the door and got the hell out of Ganton with all the determination I had inside of me. By the time I got to Verdant Bluff's my phone vibrated, I got a text saying "Where you at?" and threw the phone back in my pocket, forget Ganton right now.
 

...starting to get more and more vibrant, which is a sign of things going good. Except today was kind of weird, the past two days were very mediocre though in spite. I called back home and got in touch with my mom, she's doing okay. She lives down in Alabama with her boyfriend she's been living with for a long time, Alex. Her and Alex were basically my parents until I was seventeen, life was good and all but I ended up getting evicted, well they did. And that's how I ended up in New York with my father, which wasn't what I thought it would be. Anyway she said she was doing fine down in Alabama, her and Alex were holding jobs down at two local grocery stores and while that was nothing famous or prestigious, at least they had a legal job, I couldn't get one of those. She mentioned she got a new dog and named him Buddy, I have no idea why anyone, especially my mother would give such a plan and dull name to a dog. 

That's not even really a name! But other then that she was doing fine and I was happy for her, she was sober and as well Alex was sober, I exchanged I love you's with the both of them and immediately called my daddy. He answered and seemed very cheerful, I asked him how he was doing after we both handed out greetings and he said he was better then good. It's always nice to see someone you love happy, but hasn't there been that one time where we all get good news from someone we love, but the news that they think is so good, isn't as good to you as it is to them? Well now's one of those times. My dad ended up telling me he met this woman while he was at work, which I know was probably a lie because from what I learned when I was up there, is dad was a pretty big doucher at work, typical Asian-dad esq.

Her name was Amanda and from the sound in his voice he thought they were going to live happily ever after. I told him congratulations in the most melancholy tone I had ever given, I think he caught on. The thing is, even though my mom moved on it was hard seeing my dad move on. After my mother he had been with one girl that I know of which was serious, her name was Katie. I remember visiting daddy every other week and seeing Katie around the house. She was a tall, pretty American woman, what I would love to be. She had long brown hair with blonde high-lights, tall and skinny like a model with a voice that could dull knifes it was so soothing. 

When I used to come over there on weekends now that I think about it I don't really think she was that fond of me, or I don't remember. I really loved this dog she had living with daddy at the time, it was a German Shepard named Nikita, she was the most awesome thing every! I remember every time I would come inside Nikita would jump all over me and scratch me to bits. I hated that but loved the dog. They ended in tragedy though, from what my dad told me on drunken evening she ended up sleeping with his best friend and breaking his heart. 

I felt bad for my dad, he was a good man with a lot to offer but seemingly struck down by love. No one deserves that, not even my drunken daddy. After that the conversation didn't last any longer, I told him I was getting a call from my "boss" on the other line, which looking back is stupid I didn't even tell him I had a job. He grunted and told him I loved him before hanging up.

Fast forwarding to today I wanted to go out and see if I could find Ears or Dom and maybe even Nando laying around Ganton, little did I know my plot would soon be spoiled by a "series of unfortunate events" ..I'm an idiot why did I even quote that? So I hit the scene on my Oceanic, sporting the junker with no seat belts into Idlewood, whipp-.. okay maybe not whipping corners, but driving. I ended up in front of the light right across from the Pizza Stack when I noticed a crowd to the right, someone in the middle of the road, and someone to the left hanging around the scene. 

I leaned over to the left and looked out of my window, the group to the right was in casual conversation and the person to the left on the bike pedaled over to them. When I looked down I was shocked, someone was laying there, appearing to have been ran over or something of the sort, it was a gruesome sight. While my observation started the person on the bike had gotten off and walked over to who ever was laying on the ground with a stick and began poking them, what the hell?! I heard someone calling nine one one so I knew I didn't have too, I started to shout to the kid to stop poking the man with the stick, the conversations of the crowd may have drowned out my cries or he was ignoring me, but he didn't stop until I decided to back the car up and park, of course. 

I slid out and "sprung into action" as much as I could, I didn't really want to get close, the blood or anything wasn't freaking me out. I just wasn't good with hurt people, I didn't wanna mess up or make anything worse. I looked over to the right for a moment and a Police car was gaining on us, he ended up stopping in front of the victim, blocking off on coming traffic like a good cop would do, but when he got out of his patrol car; what he said baffled me to no end.

"This is what this guy gets from walkin' all over the damn road." word for word, literally came out of this Officer's mouth as he looked down upon a man who may have been dead, I was so outraged and confused I responded with an "Are you serious?" but it seemed to drown out in the chaos and everyone got to work, maybe he was just thinking out loud? Either way, what a messed up take on something so tragic. 

I took a step back and observed for a moment, looking down the roads to make sure no one was coming. It was right about then when I made the genius decision to put my car in front of the on-coming lane so people would know not to drive down it until an ambulance showed up! As soon as I stepped out into the lane, this snob was sitting in her Huntley giving me the most melodramatic look I had ever seen in my life. 

I raised my hand in front of her window to try to signal for her to move, and then she raised her hands at me and told me to move with them, I didn't get it; did she not see the man laying in the ground? I squinted at her and she rolled her window down so I took it as a sign to go over and speak to her, apparently I was wrong though, she took it as a sign to speed past an injured man, almost hurting more just to go park in the Pizza Stack's parking lot, WHY!? I was pissed at this point, ignorance doesn't mix well with me and I wanted to settle what beef I had with this woman, the man was getting help and that was what was important, time for me to get frisky with this girl!

I saw her come outside of the Pizza Stack when I crossed the road, almost being ran over might I add. She had a cheese burger in her right hand and was staring at me through a crowd of people, just chomping, like a fat little pig. I pushed a few shoulders gently and sifted through the crowd and intersection, eventually locking eyes with her and heading straight towards her with the biggest squint I could give and my arms raised as if I was pulling the clouds from the sky, trying to show some kind of intimidation, it totally did absolutely nothing though. 

I looked like a wolf without it's fangs and I knew she wasn't scared, she actually said hello to me and I lashed out, saying: "Did you -not- see what was going on?" and she said she did, well what the hell lady!? Why didn't ya' go around or move, duh! I turned around while she was chomping away on her food and pointed at the man laying down or in the direction, I asked her why she almost ran him over again knowing he was there, and she goes: "I could have easily passed if you were not in the way, just like I did." and I was getting pissed and pissed and pissed, I tapped my right foot furiously and balled my right fist, she was about my height, I could totally take her out! But she just kept chewing and chewing on that damn burger, it got me so mad! 

Stop eating pay attention to me! I got closer to her, I was going to make her head me, so I get up and speak in a low tone, duh; and say: "How can you be so cold? There's a man laying there and may die, and you just worry about eating a cheeseburger!" So guess what she does, no.. guess, GUESS! SHE TAKES ANOTHER BITE OF HER CHEESEBURGER AND DOESN'T ONLY LOOK IN MY EYES, SHE LICKS HER FINGERS WHILE DOING SO, I was so done, she finally decides to mutter out to me: "I didn't knew he was dying or something to be honest. I didn't knew he was dying or something to be honest." I was done, she asked me why I was mad and I waved her off dismissively and walked over to my car, an ambulance had appeared by now and was treating the man, my deed here was done, or not done, what ever it happened. It's days like these where I remember what my dad once told me as a little girl. The world's only as flat as we've made it out to be.
 

..a text that I had been long awaiting, I was so groggy getting up the crust in my eyes felt like boulders, I picked at them with my nails until I caused an avalanche down my shirt. I eventually got to wiping that off too. When I sleep I usually keep my phone on the passenger side seat, when I was in high school I ended up crushing one of my phone's by sitting on it when it was in my back pocket, ever since then I keep it in the front and when I'm safe and comfortable, I set it down somewhere. I gripped it casually and unlocked it, the text was from Dom, he wanted to get together or do something, I forgot exactly what he said, I think he asked me if I wanted to buy some weed from him, yeah.. that's it.

He asked me if I wanted to buy weed, and I desperately needed to get to selling something, I was running out of dope, and fast! Well actually. I was out of dope, completely. What the hell is wrong with my head right now!? Ugh, anyway! I told him I was interested and asked him how much he had, he said he had about fourty-five dime sacks, holy crap! That means if every sack was a gram, I'd have a pound, a whole POUND of weed. I was stoked, but I wanted to know if I could afford it, the last stuff I sold I got one fifty for, I still had about two hundred left over from the insurance scam, so that was three fifty, luckily for me I still had the money from Ears' heroin sale which was a hundred dollars, so I had just enough money to buy a pound of weed, after I got that though I was dead broke! 

I wanted to do it anyway, the opportunity was way too good for me to pass up, if I sold this all for what I usually do, I can turn four-fifty into.. six seventy five, that's a two hundred something dollar gain, but I think I'll shoot for more, I wanna sell my dime bag for a dub and see if I can't flip it. The quality is really good, I might short the bag to a half-gram bag just because of the quality.

I told him I had the money and I wanted to do this, I was ready! The excitement woke me up and I turned on my car, eagerly awaiting a response. I need to get a house soon, I really do. I'm so sick of going back and forth from this parking lot like it's a home. I might start looking on Craig's list or something. Dom eventually replied to me and told me that he was getting into something and he had to text me later, he'd give me the goodies then. And that was okay to me at the time, I wasn't really worried about it. 

I was entertaining the thought of getting a home, maybe a man next? Haha. I started to get carried away. I haven't though about sex or love since I've been here, I've been sucked into survival instinct head first. I figured since I had some time to kill, I'd head over to the gym and take a shower so that was my next stop, swerving in and out of lanes, tapping the steering wheel. I was happy, that text got me going. I hooked a left, a right and another left and how convenient, I was at the gym? I kind of like living so close to it, gives me an urge to get in there and better my body, just to be honest with myself haven't had the motivation or the money to get into all of that yet, I still need to work on getting a place to live first! 

Besides, I've always had the benefit of being able to eat what's good in me, not for me. So I slid in the gym, met the same lady again and of course I had to either come up with an answer as to why I'm in there "just using the showers" or actually work out, now I had time on my hands but I didn't know how much, he might text me while I am in the shower, so I really had to get to thinking on this one. I got in the shower and decided I had to come up with some sort of action plan to either A, get this woman off of my back, or B, find a new place to take a shower. And I really liked coming here, I didn't feel as if I was coming off as a burden to anyone and I liked the solidity of the gym. 

I soaped myself up, washed it all off, complimented my wet body with a towel and changed into some clean clothes, which reminds me I need to get to doing some laundry somewhere, I think I saw a laundry-mat down in Idlewood. Might have to stop there.

So while I was changing into my new clothes, I heard a door creek open and shut in the woman's locker room. I'd never seen anyone come in here before because this gym was heavily male populated and what women did come in here, never used the locker room for my thirty-minute stints, so it felt like I had my own bathroom. 

Of course, with my luck, it was the woman who works at the place, which is called Ultimate Physique. She approached me slowly and at the time I didn't notice anything until she tapped on my back, I kept to myself thinking it was a customer. I turned around and smiled to her as I buttoned up my flannel, she smiled back and started attacking me with an array of questions. "You come in here just to take a shower, don't you?" She said, looking into my eyes with furrowed eyebrows as if she was angry at me, I took a moment to reply because I wanted to give her a genuine answer and at least try to get some apathy from her if I was going to tell her the truth. I paused for a moment and said: "Yeah, I do. I have no where else to shower. I don't see why this is such a big deal, it's almost like it personally bothers you I'm here showering. I am sorry if I am breaking any rules, this is the only place I have. I bring my own towel and clothing and I pay for my daily membership every time I come in here, is using the shower against the terms of service?" I said, I was genuine but she took it as sarcasm, her followed response: "Are you getting smart with me?" She said with the raise and snap of a hand, her head tilting downwards to the left in a really sassy manner. I looked down on her blankly and shook my head submissively, I wasn't trying to provoke her. "No I am not ma'am, sorry to come off that way. I'm just trying to understand in depth." She leaned back and squinted at me, slid her hands in her pockets and we locked eyes for a moment, saying nothing. I could tell she was getting upset or already was upset, when she responded it was in mediocre hisses, as if a snake just ran over: "Don't let me see your ass in here again or I will call the Police, you got that, Asian?"

My mouth was agape, she was a racist. I can not believe that is what is provoking all of this anger. She wanted to spark a reaction out of me, I could tell, she wanted me to get angry and she wanted me to burn from the words she spewed, but that was not happening to me. 

I looked at her and slowly bowed to her, a traditional Futsuu Rei my father taught me from the Japanese culture and said: "Yes ma'am" and then slowly looked back up and eyeballed her. She didn't take it well, the fact I was content bothered her to no end, she muttered out: "This isn't Ching-Chang-Chong land, don't bow to me. I'm not an ancient ancestor." and stormed out of the room, what an angry little woman. As she was walking out, another woman was walking in, a Latina woman that was about five foot two or five foot three, she must have over heard some of the argument because she didn't say a thing to me until the door shut and the worker walked away. "Hey, uh.. are you alright?" She said, her brown eyes sparkling in the dim sunlight which reflected the smooth surface of her skin, she was a pretty woman. I nodded at her and swallowed a rock, wanting to lash out in emotion but holding it in. 

"I know she can be rough around the edges, she didn't like me either when I first started coming here last November, her words are hollow. You do not have to leave the gym, she can't do anything about you coming here as long as you pay your daily fee." She said with a comforting tone, I looked at her and opened my mouth to speak but regurgitated my words and closed my mouth, it wasn't worth it. 

I cleared my throat for a moment and nodded, gathering my things and walking out of the room nervously, not saying anything to the Latina on my way out, she said nothing either. I looked at the front door, which was the only way out, and with my luck the lady was standing in front of it hanging up a poster, when I looked at her, she turned and looked at me. I kept my head and eyes glued down to the floor and said not a word while I quickly paced outside, I did not want another confrontation and by the sound of it neither did she, or she felt bad. I was speechless.

I got into my car and sank into the seat shamefully, slamming the door after myself. I didn't want to break down and cry, I haven't cried in a long time and now wasn't the time to start. The first thing I did was reach for my phone and grab it, still not a word from Dom, damnit. I needed to get a hold of him and see what was going on because I didn't want to wait much longer, I needed to clear my head and get something else on my mind. I decided I was going to text him anyway, forget it. I wanted someone to talk to and now I wanted my weed! I responded with a ":(" face and he texted back with a, and let me emphasize all caps, he said: "YO!" and I figured something was wrong, next thing I know my phone's ringing and it's Dom calling me. 

"Hey" I say, expecting somewhat of a casual conversation but that's not what I got in return, Dom was breathing very heavily and seemed heavily distressed, he had that kind of tone you get after you get done doing something very tiring, words coming out in between each breath, "I.. need..." he then paused for a moment to gather up more breath. "I need you to come pick me up, can you?" I was still trying to assemble the bits and pieces of what was going on, but I responded immediately with: "Yeah, where are you?" and there wasn't a moment of hesitation, I'm starting to think I'm a people person or just someone who likes to help the needy, which is weird because I'm known to be very very short with needy people, I just don't feel comfortable around those who need help. I never understood why either.

"I'm at the scrap yard!" and my mind boggled for a moment, I was trying to remember where the scrap yard was at, but then I remember passing by a mountain and a half of tires near El Corona, so I asked him if that's where he was, he responded yes and I told him I'd be there and hung up.

I cut corners like a mad woman, I was trying to forget the racist receptionist or what ever you want to call the woman working behind the counter at the gym. She was eating away at my mind and I know if she was doing that, she was winning the battle. So I did what I could to put all the negative energy I had towards her towards something else, unfortunately that thing became driving. I was turning aggressive, speeding and generally being wreck less, but the roads were empty thank god, otherwise I do not think I would have done it. 

I for some reason decided it would be a great idea to cut a Police officer off and drive on the rail road, looking back at this point I think I've got some kind of anger issue, for something to upset me that much that I did about fifteen illegal things in front of a cop baffles me, that's not your regular Kate. I sat through the bouncing from the train-tracks rubbing up on my tires and went for a western exit, where I saw Dom bent over trying to catch his breath, I flashed my lights and drove up beside him and he wasted absolutely no time getting inside of the car, phew. 

I looked over at him with an extremely puzzled look, his whole persona was petrified, angry and tired all in one, I've never really seen anyone display those emotions all at the same time. I looked over at him and began driving, switching glances between him and the road, finally asking: "What happened?" He looked over at me for a moment with a look of dis taste, as if he didn't want me to ask but what could he really expect? This was some information I really wanted to know! I'm trying to forget about my other situation and get wrapped in his entirely. He looked ahead of himself and began to spiel to me about how El Corona was a bunch of "busters and faggots" or something of the same. 

I assumed he was speaking of the gang there and I put two and two together and assumed Ganton and El Corona didn't really get along, I remember reading something about Colonial Watts Avenue a long time ago. Maybe that related to this. Anyway when we got to conversing he asked me if I had a water in the car, without even thinking I told him I had a two liter of pop in the back. Normally that wouldn't be a big deal, but I kind of didn't want it to get out that I lived in my car or even make it look like I did.

"I want a water!" He exclaimed, he looked parched and I guess Mountain Dew wasn't good enough for him, so I eventually nodded and asked him if he wanted me to stop at the twenty four seven on the outskirts of Ganton and he assured me he would love to, I figured I could do him a favor since he's doing me a favor with all of this weed. 

I cut a left in Willowfield and went down a straight road to the twenty four seven, parking up on the curb as I watched him hustle out of the vehicle and inside of the store without hesitation. I took a second and leaned over to my left, resting on the door and the back of the seat as well, trying to find a good way to bring up the weed. At the time I was entertaining the thought, I didn't really have the courage to ask him about it after he got out of that scuffle, but I wanted my product! He eventually came crawling out of the store with a large Dasani in his right hand, the cap missing in action and him taking periodic sips from it while walking back over to the car. 

He slipped inside and said nothing so I started to drive, I didn't know where I was taking him, I hooked a left and went for the stadium that's under construction. He kept talking about El Corona, I couldn't help but think that this was information I didn't want to know or hear about and for the most part I was right, he kept talking about how they're all pussies and they're not real, they ain't hard. I understood what he was trying to say and I remember telling him I'm sorry for something he said to me previously, he made a sad statement or said something bad happened to him and he replied: "Don't be sorry, this ain't your fault." and he was right, it really wasn't. 

I took the time to start to bring up the weed while we were out driving, he looked like he calmed down for a little bit and I wasn't going to miss my opportunity to strike! I asked him if he had it on him and he shook his head, saying his homie was the one that had it but he couldn't get it right now because his homie was keeping low because of the El Corona beef, whatever.. I get that.

I ended up turning on the turn-pike and Dom was getting a phone call while I was heading back to Los Santos, the voice sounded familiar and I found out it was Nando calling Dom, apparently they were talking about the situation for a little bit, about two minutes into the conversation Dom turned to me and asked me if I wanted to go to the skate park with him and Nando, I replied with a: "What do you guys do there?" and he looked at me with raised eyebrows, shrugged and said that they just went down there to chill. 

I didn't want to go but I didn't want to upset Dom or Nando, because as of right now they're my biggest dealers, well Dom is. So I said I would go and Dom ended up telling Nando, they sounded excited. I knew in the pit of my stomach though that I didn't want to be there and was going to find some way out of it, I drove down there thinking the whole time that I had to come up with a good excuse, I finally did. 

When we got there I told Dom I had to run home really fast to get a change of clothes, when he looked at me with a blank expression I started to understand he knows I am probably not going to come back, and I didn't. I got home and waited like two hours and made the mistake of texting him, saying: "Did you get the weed yet?" and he said "Nah, my homie's passed out. Be patient I'll get your shit." and I took that pretty offensively, shrugged it off after a little bit and went to bed, this princess needed her beauty sleep.
 

...whoever this woman is that is supposed to give Dom the drugs for me to sell, can you do it, like.. soon? I'm still holding onto this four hundred and fifty dollars, all I have to my name so I can buy the stuff and flip it for profit, but this is starting to wear down on me heavily. I haven't eaten in over a day, about to be two days.. I look down at my tummy and it just shrinks more and more by the day. I'm not a curvy woman, I've got my race to blame for that, but if I was flat before? At this rate it's going to be cardboard. I have never dealt with hunger before and or starving myself, I have always been a skinny woman and never had to worry about my looks, but the last thing I want to be is anorexic, how good does one of those cheese pizzas from your favorite place sound? 

That look on your face and the sigh of relief that comes out of your oozing mouth when you feast your eyes upon it, the gold, fluffy crust illuminating your surroundings while leading you down a progressively narrow path of melted, gooey cheese painted over a canvas of sauce and dough. You slowly lower your right hand down to it and let it graze over the crust, it's so soft when you touch it too.. your thumb gently sinking into the abyss of crust, the cheese doing what it can to hold on to anything in sight, another slice of pizza or the paper that comes on the cardboard to prevent it from sticking. And once you get it in your grasp? You're the champion, you look down on it and watch it raise to your mouth, the cheese hanging from the edge of the dough as if it's trying to jump away from your mouth, but you know it's not going anywhere but into your digestive system, poor cheese. 

And then you sink your teeth into it, it's so hot, the roof of your mouth is doing what it can to push it onto the tongue and cheeks so it can breathe, you don't mind, you'll alternate it around your mouth to experience the flavors in all ways possible before kicking it down your throat and watching the remainder of the cheese slide off of the pizza and onto your chin.

I need to stop thinking about food, all this is doing is making me starve to a point of no end. Earlier today I was relaxing in the car and saw someone walk by with a bag of McDonald's, I was so close to begging. Ugh! Anyway for a change of pace I've come to some sort of game plan to figure out what my next move is going to be in order to try and get back on my feet once again. Once I get this stuff, which I have been calling Dom for but have been getting no answer, I will call Able first. He seems like someone who is a loyal buyer, I remember when he was talking with me after he bought the stuff, he kept reminding me how good it was. 

So I think I for sure had a customer in him. Hopefully he would buy it all? I doubt he'd do that but if he did that'd be amazing, if he ends up not buying all of it I'm going to do what I can to hit the streets and try to push it around Los Santos. That reminds me too, I still want to go down and hang around the High School after hours and try to get some kids to buy it. I look kind of young so maybe it'll work. I really need someone who's inside of the school system to sell this stuff for me and take the blame, someone who won't rat. 

I wonder if Ears goes to school? I know he works at the Pizza Stack, but what if? Or maybe I can get one of his friends or kids from Ganton to sell it, there's gotta be something to make the risk in this game a lot less higher. I'll have to speak to Ears about this and see if I can't get something working out here, I'm sure he'll try.

I've been thinking a lot lately too, is this really what I wanted to be when I grew up? A drug dealer? I mean really? There's got to be more to this, I have to be able to get some kind of legal job somewhere. I graduated with a High School degree and that's all I've got to my name education wise, even though I lost it. 

There seems to be a lot of rewarding careers out there I could try and dabble in, but then the other half of me wonders what happens if I make it into the criminal underground? What if I gain some notoriety and some respect around this town and turn into something bigger then I imagined myself being? But then after I think about that, I think about those who are already established in the drug game, will they come for me? My motive in this is just to make enough money to get myself on my feet and try to find a new place to live, will I be consumed by the lords? 

All in all I think I have to judge if the risk is worth the reward, I could easily lose my life, get raped, stabbed, shot and kidnapped doing this.. and that doesn't add any thrill to the "paper chase" it scares the hell out of me. But that's what's been on my mind lately. I am going to try to keep getting a hold of Dom, I haven't had any luck as of late but I won't stop until I get an answer. I'll write back then, I'm going to try to force myself back to sleep, I feel weak from not eating and I am getting exhausted writing. Pray for yourself Kate.
 

...Jesus, Ears came and saved the day! I was rolling over in my car as I heard my phone vibrated that I had recieved a text, and guess who? Ears! Duh! I was so happy, because the text entailed: "I hope you're still ready to make money!" and I so was, I so was! I replied back that I was more then willing to do something to make money and he said he had something for me, I just had to go down to Ganton and meet him. I told him I'd be there and started up the car, my adrenaline was taking over and I wasn't suffering from the woes of hunger, for now.

I cut a couple of corners and tapped my fingers over the steering-wheel, bobbing my head to the latest cookie-cutter radio song, I was so happy in the moment that I figured I might not even be hungry anymore, not even be tired. But then reality set in once I relaxed. I was at a red light and I slouched down for a second and was over-come of the in ability to drive, tired-ness creeping up on me out of no where, my whole body practically shut down.

But some how I made it down to Ganton, I know if I wanted to put food in my mouth this is how I was going to do it, and regardless of how much I hurt, only I could make it better, I could get help from other people, like what Ears is doing for me. But only I in the end could help my self grow out of this and see better days.

I strolled up next to his apartment complex type of thing he had going on in Ganton and told him I was there, he said he was getting dressed and was going to be out in a second so I just tossed the phone in my pocket and shut the car off. Across the street there was a group of Hispanics, a lot of male's and one female, she was sitting separated from the rest of the group, she looked so lonely I felt bad. The male's, however, kept looking back and forth at my car and between one another, and in the summation of about five minutes they got enough courage to come closer to my car.

They congregated over to the right and huddled in a group, speaking Spanish which is fantastic because I know none of it. I looked over at them for a brief moment and made sure all my windows were rolled up. I didn't want to create any drama between anyone in Ganton because I had people like Ears, Nando and Dom who I was cool with. I looked away from them right after I made sure the windows were up and to my very very fortunately luck Ears was approaching with a wide smile on his face, his arms open as he looked toward the group.

I exchanged looks between Ears and the group as they spoke in Spanish, when Ears got close enough to speak I invested my time into rolling down my driver's side window. Ears leaned over with a wide smile and began talking to me, he wanted to know if I was able to take him for a ride and I said yeah, leaned over and un locked the door to his right, he kept smiling at the group and was speaking Spanish to them while walking to my passenger door, I wonder what in the world they were saying to him.

Ears got in the car and we took off, I headed towards the end of the street and planned on driving out to somewhere around Ocean Docks, I clearly was not my normal self and I don't even think he noticed he seemed to be so hyped up. "This is some serious shit Katie, we can make some serious cash off of this." He said, looking like a little boy who got his first hot wheel for Christmas. I responded lazily with a: "Like?" and almost word for word I can remember what he said he said it with such passion and pride.

"Homeboy's finally passing me some big shit, biggest shit I've ever had girl!." and my eyes shot up instantly, I wonder what he had! And more importantly, wondered when I was going to get my fix of it so I could eat tonight! I kept driving, realizing I had been on the outskirts of El Corona by now I just went to the Airport parking lot for a stop so I didn't have to drive until my life ended.

When we parked Ears wasted no time showing me what he had stored in his pocket, an assortment of baggies with a white substance inside of them, it looked like cocaine to me at first sight but he went into explaining it, it was crack. He said there was somewhat of a demand for crack, due to people getting addicted, which I clearly knew. He told me that it sells decently and the customer base is very loyal to you if you have product "on-call" so to say. Which I could be in a sense, but I was no way in hell giving out my number to drug users, they probably didn't have phones anyway.

Ears kept going on and on about how this was going to be his thing, he looked really cute sitting there all excited about his drugs. Which was so weird to me, where I was from and the person I was a month ago being a dope seller was nothing to be proud of, but being out in Los Santos that seems like it was the only way to make it out here, I wasn't qualified for law enforcement or anything else, I was consumed by a vastly growing underworld.

I was growing weary of conversation and ready to feed myself to make some money, I asked him how I could get involved and what I had to do to make some money, I told him I haven't eaten in about three days and desperately needed this stuff, his whole persona changed and I could tell what I said cut deep, he felt bad. He told me it would go the same last time, he gives me the drugs and I go out and sell them and we split the profit fifty fifty, fine by me.

"And a-.. a'ye, if you need some help. I just got my paycheck. I can loan you some money." Ears said after telling me the terms of our deal, I shook my head and leaned my back over onto my door to rest it, saying I couldn't accept the money and I was going to do what I could to live out here on my own without any help. He didn't listen though, which is what I expected. He pushed for me to take the money, and with the roaring of my stomach, the pounding of my head and the frailness of my old figure, I couldn't fight him forever.

I just asked him for twenty bucks, something I could use to get like, a whole bunch of dollar-menu burgers from McDonald's and eat them casually over the next couple of days while I sold my recently acquired crack. He almost looked like he didn't want to do it when I asked, but only asking out of the thought of being kind to me and kind of expecting me to decline, then I started to feel bad, but sure enough he got out his wallet and slapped a sum of money on my right lap, it was about three twenties, so sixty bucks to be exact. I thanked him more then I could remember and he said don't worry about it, just make sure I pay him back, I told him I would.

With this money I found a new rooting for life, he handed me the crack he had and I put it in the back seat, looked over to him and wanted to with every ounce of strength in my body hug him, but I couldn't mutter any movement of the sort. I leaned back into the car like a lifeless corpse and told him I had something to do at my home, which by now I think he knew I didn't have. This being an excuse to go get McDonald's. And I asked him if I could drop him off, he slowly nodded and said I could, and I drove back with a smile, knowing Ears was a true friend.
 

...just how my life is now, this is terrible. Let me start from the top. I woke up today in the car and noticed something very out of the ordinary, I had a mysterious package on the top of my car. I stepped outside to take a casual stretch when I noticed it, it was a plain brown box with nothing on it but a message which was a taped white piece of stationary paper that said: "Times are going to get rough, this is a sign they will get better." My first impression was to look around and see if anyone was waiting around to make sure whether I got the package or not, nobody was around.

I took the package and slid inside of the car quickly, de-bunkered it and peeled back all the cardboard, and inside sat a small note of money, a hundred dollar bill facing the top I immediately grabbed it and looked at it in amazement, was this real? Was there something more to this? Who would do something like this to me. I had no idea, the first thing I thought of was Casp or someone who worked at Industry, but none of them knew what I was going through and none of them are remotely close to me, we all lost contact.

I took the money out of the box and shoved it in my right pocket, I had to go digging for answers around Los Santos, the first person I thought of was Ears. I started the car, feeling a lot better now that I am eating once again, and began driving my way down to Ganton. I ended up in Idlewood when I finally found Ears, with some other girl.. woah?

I felt kind of weird when I saw Ears, he was on the other side of the Idlewood Pizza Stack parking lot, near the phone booths and I called out his name, drove into the Pizza Stack's parking lot and slid out of the vehicle slowly, him and the mystery woman approached me slowly. Ears gave me a blank stare, which was very weird, I assumed the new girl he had around he was trying to impress or get with because she didn't seem to like me, the first question out of her mouth was: "Who is this, your girlfriend?" ..I looked over at her and rolled my eyes.

I need to learn Spanish. Because after I rolled my eyes she said something in Spanish and laughed, I knew it was a snide remark, ugh. I was just kidding. I let her go and she pedaled away or around me and Ears for a moment because I lost sight of her, the first question I asked Ears when I approached him was how Dom was doing. Ears looked at me like I was stupid and said with a convicting tone: "Are you fucking serious?" when Ears' lady friend drove around. She pulled up and immediately told me Dom had died, I didn't know if she was lying or not but I was completely blindsided.

By then there was a group of people around me and I didn't know what to feel, I felt like the world was turning while I watched Emanuel nod in confirmation, I got dizzy, I didn't know how to re act to any of this. Dom couldn't die, I needed him badly. He was my supply, he was my friend, I liked him, I wanted him here next to me when I got on my feet, I wanted him to see my new apartment when I could afford one, I wanted to tell him how much I appreciated his help. Why was he taken from me? Why was he gone?

"Yeah, he got shot by some fucking nigger!" Ears said, I was in my stage of shock, a coin bounced in front of me for a moment and it caught my eye, I turned around to see some Hispanic man standing there, apologizing for dropping the coin, he asked if I could get it but I just moved out of the way, I wasn't in the mood. I wanted to start crying, I didn't want Dom to die, that was a chunk of me out of my growth and youth. 

Ears and his lady friend kept talking, the random man picked up his coin and I took a step back, I felt like my heart sank to my heels and I had no way of getting it back up, he was a really good guy and now he's lost in time. A memory in the back of my head, that is not fair. I walked over to the Oceanic, set my head on the window and sat there in shame, my head hung and my heart sunk I did what I could to drown the world out, it was coming crashing down.

I felt him slide his hand in my back pocket when I balled my fist. My head was still on the Oceanic and I guess it was the perfect time to rob me. The man who dropped the coin in front of me casually took my money out of my back pocket and walked away like nothing happened. He was the only person around me I know he was the one who took it, I even watched him put it in his right front pocket, why is he doing this to me now, out of all times?

I put my right hand on my back-right pocket to make sure he took the money I found on the roof of my car and my pocket was empty so he did, I followed him and immediately began questioning him, asking him why he took my money. My question's made him stop and turn around to confront me. He instantly denied it, saying he didn't take any of my money but I wasn't an idiot, I know he did.

Ears and everyone else around seemed to pay no attention to anything at the scene. I looked back to Ears for a moment and he shoved his cellphone away and pedaled over, hopefully to help me out here. I looked back over to the man who had my money and asked him again if he could give me it back, I never got upset and I never said a curse word but I would be a broken soul if he took the money I needed to survive on my own two feet.

Ears and his lady friend surrounded both sides of the man and Ears immediately slid off of his bike and approached him. Ears raised his left hand and acted like he was going to swing on the man, I stepped back and Ears' friend, the girl, got really excited. I reminded the man I didn't want anyone to get hurt, I just really needed my money. He finally snapped into his senses when Ears got in his face, he denied it a few more times then gave in to Ears.

I started to walk up as he got the money out of his front-right pocket, he handed it over to Ears and I felt comfortable with the five thousand dollars in Ears' hand, I trusted him. I looked at the man and kept my eyes on him as I extended my hand out to Ears, expecting him to hand me my money over. But there wasn't anything in my hand for a while. The man began to get a contorted eyebrow while he looked at Ears, great.

Ears looked hesitant, he swatted my hand off in a dismissive manner and hopped on his bike, making off with my five thousand dollars, his lady friend soon followed him out of the parking lot. Ears just took my money and drove off, no.. no.. no. That money was everything to me, that is what was going to get me an apartment, stop me from going days without eating, stop me from being poor, that money was my breath of life into a dull environment and now it's gone.

The man chased after Ears, I was left alone in the parking lot and once I realized, my eyes began to flood over my cheeks and down my face, I was and still am crying buckets. I trusted Ears with a lot of things I own, he helped me so much, him and Dom and now they're both gone? Ears betrayed me, stole five grand from me and Dom is dead, how did I learn such news in the span of an hour? Why would Ears rob me, we were friends!

I got in my car as some black guy followed me around, asking me if Ears just ran off with my money, I was in the middle of swallowing what felt like rocks and barely being able to see during my tears to answer him, I started my car and wept as I drove the long distance to my parking spot, my home for a lot longer now that Ears took what future I had out of my hand's and into his, good luck Ears.

I just lost the two best friends I knew in Los Santos, I feel like an empty pit, there's only one way to describe the way I feel right now, when someone was taken from my life that I adored and someone who I trusted betrayed me, and those two people practically being the only two people in this town that I knew, was this a common thing? Is this the first of many trials? Why am I even in this messed up city in the first place? Nothing but death and robbing ensues after every turn to take in a good direction, I never curse but fuck me.

I am numb right now, Ears you broke my heart, you're causing me to starve, you're the reason I am going to live in this car for the rest of my days, why are you doing this to me? You were such an innocent child when we first met on the bridge, I liked you so much and you ripped what I had made for myself away from me and took it for your own greed and intent, I can't live.

Imagine being locked in a room with someone who has the key to a successful future, that person wraps their arm around you and points in the direction to go, and you're so excited you're being shown the light in a room of darkness, you trust this person to lead you into the light, to protect you from the wrong-doings. And when you and that person get into the light, they show you what you can become, and they show you how you can do these things and they give you a kick start, words of encouragement to help you succeed..

And then, when you get going that person looks at you, sits you down, laughs at you and rips your hopes and dreams away from you, they sit there and watch you cry in a corner knowing everything you once worked for is now a dream, they hold it over your head and you stand there like a baby, jumping as high as you can to get your once tasted goals and dreams back, and they watch you sink into poverty in depression, for their own amusement. That is how I feel.
 

...why does it feel so wrong? I sit here in this car, my thoughts collected to myself and my actions spew all over these blank pages. I can barely lift my hand and muster the strength to write these lines, but I do anyway. Why do I do this? This serves no purpose other then a memorial for the lost when I grow older. I will never understand the depths of my creativity and the desire to fill in these blank pages with words from the past, but no matter what happens in my day, my heart aches, my fingers move and my brain is driven.

This is day four, I have yet to have any food go into my mouth. I wonder if I'll ever die of hunger or form some kind of physical defect as I grow older with each passing minute, the life I lead is so morbid in it's own I don't want to continue, I know I won't die though, I am too strong a spirit to give up on something I have my mind set on, but I need to come to terms with reality and do what I can to better my situation, which is why I summed up the courage to give Nando a call this evening and try to sort some loose ties with him. Did I want to come begging to a distant "friends" porch? No, but a woman who has nothing to lose is a very scary and desperate sight, there was worse I could do for a better pay off but my morals stuck strong to who I was and what I was going to become was much bigger then that.

He answered the phone with a typical "Yo" and I responded with my greet, introducing myself and he slowly caught on to who I was. The conversation was straight forward and blunt, I didn't want to beat around the bush and make it seem like I was going to beg him for something over the phone. People are a lot more prone to saying no over the phone than in face, and the last thing I could bare to live with was a no from Nando right now. I asked him if he was tied up in anything and he said he wasn't, after that I immediately mentioned that I was interested in coming over and talking, he said he was free.

I hung up the phone shortly after, notifying him I was going to come to his home very soon. I finally got over what Ears had done to me, and no by that I don't mean I put it in the past and moved on, it still burns inside of me today. I just learned how to cope and move on with life, which is why my writing might seem a lot darker now, I was constricted of any hope I had in life due to that sorry little kid's want for the money I had earned. I took the same path I always do to Ganton, past the Idlewood Pizza stack and over the tracks and boom, I found myself looking at Fernando leaning against a fence.

It took me a minute to get out of the car and he walked over before I could exit. I had the windows down to catch a breath and keep me awake as I drove, not eating has taken a very big physical and mental chunk out of my body. Before I knew it Nando approached the driver's side of my vehicle and muttered something along the lines while running his hands up the hood of my Oceanic: "If you're going to shoot us, just do it already. Jeez." I think that was sarcasm and he knew who I was because my car often frequented around Ganton, but when he leaned over and seen my face he responded with an almost shocking: "Oh."

I looked up at Nando and faintly smiled to him, I know he could see I was a weak person both at heart and strength but he chose not to mention anything, we exchanged hello's and he asked me if I would like to come inside to speak with him, I nodded and he stepped back from the door. I got out slowly, I felt so old. To my left when I exited the vehicle was a man I did not recognize, he kept his eyes on me the whole time I got out of the car and stood in front of Nando. This place always creeped me out, it was so run down and poverty-stricken that I felt as if my car could be stolen at any given moment, hopefully I had enough respect around here to at least keep what I last had to my name.

We walked over broken sidewalks along patches of grass and dirt, the remnants of where children used to play on our journey towards Nando's home, I kept and eye out on the surroundings just for my own benefit, I was weak and I am pretty sure they could tell, I walked so slow and limp I was barely able to get through the sand and grass mixtures to land at the house. When we got there he pushed the door open and didn't really hold it for me, the force from it coming back almost knocked me off of my feet, but I made it inside.

Nando hooked a left when we got inside and walked into the kitchen, I followed. The home was dirty, I could almost tell that there wasn't much of a female presence here due to the fact of the un cleanliness. He turned and looked at me once I got inside and asked me if I was thirsty, I spoke in such a low tone I don't know how he heard me but I said I was, he asked me what I would like, some.. and I quote "Pink shit" orange juice or something and alcohol, I said anything would be fine and he chose the juice and gave me a glass of it. It tasted like victory I hadn't had a flavored drink in almost a week.

After I took a drink I asked Nando if it was okay for me to take a seat and relax for a moment, he didn't seem to have an issue with that after saying: "Of course.." and we both grabbed a seat. I didn't really know how to start the conversation off with him so I was in direct at first. I told him I just needed his help and looked down at the cup of orange juice I had and swirled it around, my eyes locked on the liquid tornado I had created inside of the cup, he asked me what I needed help with.

That's when I mentioned the whole Ears fiasco, and how he really got under my skin doing what he did and that scarred me emotionally and physically. Nando proceeded to tell me that it wasn't Ears who did that to me which left me really confused, I think it was then I got the reference that Ears was either bipolar or doing some kind of drugs, and it was the drugs. Nando went into detail about how Ears had lapsed on some kind of drug, it wasn't a very happy story but after some time I understood. But where the hell was my money if Ears had changed?

I let go of the topic, I didn't want to re-indulge in self pity while talking to Nando, I wanted to get the main subject out of the way. I needed some kind of way to get back onto my feet and fast. I was losing health and life continuing on the road I was on. I asked Nando if he had heard about my and Ears' little side thing we had going on, he said he hadn't heard of anything. I asked him to please not get angry with me, I do not feel well at all at the moment but I felt it was best if I came out and told Nando the truth. He leaned forward and looked at me with intent while I spoke.

"Me and Ears had a little thing on the side. When I came here I had nothing to my name and I met people like Dom and Ears and we kind of just got connected in a sense. We never had anything personal, but they both know I needed some kind of way of making money, and I couldn't get a legal job. I had tried with places like Club Industry doing the small things like janitorial work, nothing. Eventually Ears had ended up giving me some drugs to sell for him and we would split the money fifty fifty, and I totally loved that idea. Sold the first batch and that is how I got money to buy drugs from Dom at a low price and sell them back for a profit and the cycle repeated, I had about five hundred dollars and that is what Ears stole from me, everything I had earned he took. I was back to not eating and having nothing to my name once more."

Nando kept his eyes locked on me and at one point leaned forward to look at me, I raised my hand at one point motioning to stop but not meaning it, it was more of a defenseless "please don't hurt me" gesture, if he got mad and put his hands on me I would be done. When I had got done telling the story he had not gotten angry, his first response was "I can't help you like they did." and he stopped for a moment, I couldn't be rejected so I tried to distract him from what he was going to say with some sort of action. I slid my right hand into my right pocket and slung out a small lavender bag with the crack cocaine Ears had given me before, I told Nando what it was when he asked and told him I would rather starve then sell drugs, it was an impure life style, he laughed and quoted me on impure, I just set the bag down after that and let him speak.

He re iterated that he couldn't help me the way Ears and Dom did but he had something else in mind, thank goodness. He said he had a home, food and water so I now had a place to stay. I was so over-run with excitement I wanted to jump all over him and thank him but couldn't stand so I repeatedly told him how much I appreciated his gratitude. He said not to worry about it and then asked me again how long it had been since I'd eaten, I said four days and he shook his head and stood up. When he got in front of me I asked him if he wanted the lavender bag full of narcotics and he said to keep it, desperate times come desperate measures he said. He was so right he had no idea.

I shoved it into my pocket and followed him into the kitchen, he said he had left over spaghetti and some fruit loops and to dive into what ever I would like, I felt like a little kid in the candy shop I was so excited, he said he was going to set up my bed which was now a couch. Better then a car seat I thought, why not. I poured myself a bowl of fruit loops and put everything back where it was and ate away at it fiercely. My mother used to tell me not to eat so fast it would fill me up quicker so I put that lesson to the test today and she was right, a bowl of fruit loops and a swig of milk later I was semi-full and pretty functional.

When I stepped out of the kitchen I told Nando, who was playing with the radio; thank you one more time and I bowed out of courtesy towards him, I think that embarrassed him or something because. After I bowed I told him I owed him and he told me to "Stop" and that I "Didn't owe him shit." I told him I understood and took a seat on the couch. He was walking away when he said he was going to the store, and to take the time to make myself feel at home. I told him I understood him and did what I always do when I want to get into a better mood, I wrote. And here I am now, sitting on Nando's couch writing to pass time and to feel better about my self, he still hasn't come home. But whatever, I'm here and this is what matters. I decided this would be a opportune time to write one last thing about Dom before I move on. I really miss him and the impact he had on my life, and although poetry was never my thing this one is for you, Dom.
 

...in a clean home, you're welcome Nando! I decided to spend all of my time when Nando had left cleaning up his home, that is something that I owed to Nando after all, for letting me live here. Even though he told me I didn't have to pay countless times or do anything for him, forget that, he needed help. Around the time when I had gotten everything done I started to seek more things to do, I cleaned out his toilet and even went over and made sure he had the simple things in the bathroom organized, things like towels neatly hung up and soap correctly placed.

When I had got down with everything I plopped down on my new bed, a couch. I wanted to lay down in it to see what it had felt like being able to stretch out on something, sleeping in the car I had was rough because I never had the room to stretch out, I just sat there half of the time sleeping sitting down which as you can imagine if very uncomfortable. It felt nice, the whole laying down thing, almost like a foreign experience to me after sitting-sleeping for so long. I had to get up within the next five minutes though because I would have fell asleep right where I was laying and didn't want to just yet, I wanted to get some of my laundry done.

I grabbed a glass or orange juice and slid outside, Nando mentioned something about having a daughter but I don't think she was home because no one made a sound when I was cleaning everything. When I stepped outside I darted to my left and slowly walked towards the car, I took a second to examine my environment. This place isn't so bad after all I decided, walking through the hung up clothing over the walk ways through these apartment complexes became routine. I found that weird out of most things...

How could someone have so much trust in such a crime ridden neighborhood to leave things such as clothing laying around for anyone to take at any time? Was it that they had so much respect in the neighborhood that they weren't people who generally got messed with? Or was it the fact that they had something like a gang to unify themselves together with and live under their protection? It is things like these that make gangs seem noble, almost like they are doing the job of the Police-men and protecting these neighborhoods from unwanted criminals, I find that noble at least, maybe not others.

I stepped alone blotches of grass and dirt once more in my bare feet, which might have been a mistake looking back on it there could have easily been grass around there but from what it seemed it was generally well kept from debris, which is probably why there were so many kids outside playing. Their screams and laughter drown out the world of problems you seem to have, none of them were my kids but while I threw clothing items after clothing items into my basket they seemed to happy playing in their element, so innocent. Oh how I wish I could rewind time now.

I closed the trunk once I had gotten the first load of clothing and walked back inside of the home and into the laundry room where I wasted no time cleaning up these clothes. I hadn't taken a shower in a while due to the whole gym fiasco so I figured after I did this that would be next on my list of things to do, a nice warm shower. I can't handle priorities well, after I set my clothes in the washer I took a nice, cold shower.. something I had needed desperately. You never truly appreciate the water tapping away at every part of your body, the drops exploding into what seems to be a plethora of water, but such a soothing sensation in itself.

I stepped out, got dressed and went back to my original agenda, clean all my clothes. I had shoes on when I stepped out this time, no sense in getting the feet all dirty again. I kind of felt like I was becoming a local here in some ways, as crazy as that may seem for an oriental girl to mix in with a Hispanic culture I felt like I was pulling it off as best I could, the stares I first got walking through this asylum quickly faded and they were more of a casual look, my face was becoming known around the area. 

I got back to my car with a somewhat dim smile on my face, things were looking up from here. Nando was going to help me get on my feet and I still had the crack cocaine from Ears to sell and I figured I'd do that and start paying Nando what I could in the meantime even though he denied it, but when I got to my car my smile faded. He was standing across the road, how could I have almost forgotten he lived here?

Ears didn't see me at first, I was rummaging through the back-end of my trunk and he was speaking with someone, I immediately backed up and put my hand over my mouth, the thought of him at the time was sickening and frightening to me. I couldn't bare witness to him right now, I immediately began walking towards Nando's house and he must have seen my car or known I was here because when I got to Nando's door step my phone vibrated, I stopped before going inside and peered at the new message, it was from Ears.

"What do you want here?" he said to me in broken English I could barely understand, I looked up and pocketed the phone, at this point I didn't want to explain myself or argue with Ears so I figured my best course of action would be to walk over to my car and do what I could to get out of Ganton for the time being and invest in trying to sell the crack. I picked myself up and ushered my body over to the Oceanic where he stood in wait.

"Kate" he said desperately, I was opening the door when he spoke and I halted my actions immediately, my eyes flooding over with tears ready to avalanche down my cheeks. I didn't pay any attention to him with my eyes, I looked at the floor and expected him to keep talking but when he didn't it drew my attention, I looked over at Ears and still said nothing, neither did he. We just stood there and exchanged looks of confusion, both of us having a book and a half to explain and rant to one another about but none of us having the courage to do so. We stood there like a couple recently in turmoil and wanting to salvage the ruins but he let it go by not saying anything. I continued sliding in the passenger side of the vehicle, hopped over the middle glove compartment and drove the heck off, not looking back.

I decided this was a good time to try to sell this crack, I had to get my mind off of Ears before I broke down again so I resorted back to my roots and hit up the Idlewood Pizza Stack. When I had gotten there, someone I had never seen before just happened to be getting into their car and leaving I think, while I pulled in next to them. He looked around my age and my wealth-region because the car he drove wasn't in good shape at all, he had some kind of foreign look to him so I figured I should try to work this so called 'American Charm' on him, and it worked. I just shot him a smile and got out of the car and walked over to the side of the Pizza Stack, sure enough he got out of his car and followed me over there with grin on his face the whole time, he was hooked.

When he approached me at a reasonable distance I bowed my head in respect towards him and said "Good morning" he replied in some foreign language I didn't understand at all, eventually correcting himself and speaking English, saying he didn't really get used to fluently speaking the language and was adjusting to America apparently. I didn't much care for the guy's background but I didn't want to seem sketchy and just instantly bring up the crack I wanted to sell him. I took time out of my morning to ask him about his past though, just to get some kind of answer and direction as to where I should go next with the crack sale.

He gave me the typical story someone would give a native, how he just moved out here to live the American Dream, or what ever that is now a days, nothing I have believed in that is for sure. I nodded my head and looked over to the left at the payphone's across the street which attracted two civilians and a medic of some sort, a first responder. I asked him very intricately if he ever had some kind of driving thirst to make money, usually if you approach someone with some enigmatic grammar it hooks them and gets them interested in what you have to say, and in this case it panned out perfectly.

He nodded his head and I pitched the idea to him that it might be illegal, saying that most things that pay well come at the ultimate price of freedom which can be wavered if you play your cards right, he understood what I was talking about because he responded telling me that "nothing good ever came legit." That's a pretty big grammatical sentence for someone who does not "fluently" speak English, I thought. I explained to him what I thought was a botched plan for success. I told him that the product I had was a lot more expensive then it was and in my defense he can sell it for the unit I described to him but it would take a dumb client.

He said he was interested and I liked that, I told him that he would need a certain amount of money as a down payment for this so called investment, and swayed him in with the "if you sell this, I will find you and give you more to sell, we both end up happy in the long run and we both make money." he asked me why I didn't sell these, and I used the typical defense of: "I'm a girl, I can get beat up and robbed of drugs easily, it isn't very smart for me to get on the street-level dealing, which is why I circumvent that by going to people who are eager to work for money such as yourself."

I told him that I wanted to see the money before anything else happened, I said it was to make sure he wasn't a cop or anything which I doubt he knew showing me money would matter much if he was a cop, I used it to my advantage though and he quickly sped off to Hoover Bank to claim what money he had inside, I told him he had about two minutes to get back, and he came back in that time frame, that is what I call a good worker. You can always count on the Russian's to do what you say.

He motioned me to come around the back of the Pizza Stack and I did, I saw the bulge he had in his right pocket but I made sure I stood close to the edge in case he tried to pull anything funny like beat me up or shoot me someone would be able to see in the distance and come to my aid, I hoped. I leaned in and peeked at the money, he had it all and it was shoved inside of a rubber band that looked like it was about to burst into pieces. I nodded and saw the headlights of a car pull up, reflecting off of the ground I stood on. I told the man that it was safest if he followed me into my car and we did the deal somewhere else, he listened.

I turned a couple of corners and ended up in the parking lot of the Jefferson Church, which in hind sight probably wasn't the most holy place to sell crack but I didn't care at all, I needed the money and Jesus could go screw himself if he had anything else in mind, I needed food in my stomach. I patted the seat next to myself and told him to slide over and get next to me, he listened and jogged around the car like a little school girl, I could tell that he was excited.

When he slid in I briefly told him what was going to happen, I actually felt like a boss in this situation because he listened to every command I gave him like I was his mother, I liked that kind of power, I never really had a taste of it before until now. I told him he was going to give me the money he had, I was going to give him the crack and that was that, he knew what price to sell it for, we had gone over that and where ever he wanted to sell it was his own idea. I was not going to walk him through the process. We drove back to Idlewood, I dropped him off in front of his car and sped off to Ganton nine-hundred and fifty dollars richer.

When I got back to Ganton I was met by Ears right after I had parked and got out of my car, he seemed to be a lot more apathetic and apologetic now, I probably resembled melancholy. He kept begging to talk to me but I didn't know what I was going to talk about, my heart was already torn in two and I was riding off of the dim excitement I now had after selling all that crack, Ears killed my vibe. I kept walking to Nando's door while he jogged after me and pleaded to let me talk to him, I cracked and sunk in, I wanted to hear what he had to say deep down inside.

"Kate, c- c'mon! J- just let me talk to you p- please!" I whipped around when I got to the door and shouted almost, which I hadn't done in a long time "Just talk then, go!" and I shocked him, I could tell when he widened his eyes and took a step back. When he started to speak it sounded more like excuses for what he had done and that he wasn't sorry and I am not going to lie it really ticked me off, this person wore me down to nothing and made me starve for days on end and right when things seem to be looking brighter he wants to come back into my life.

When he got done with his speil about how he did nothing wrong, I intervened. "You did help me..." I said, moving my hands and continually speaking with passion. "...but then you took everything away I had and the trust I had in you, I starved for four days because of you!" his responses seemed like another excuse: "Yo, p- please, I w- was on some shit! I w- was fuckin' takin' crystal and sh- shit, my mind wasn't straight!" I replied harshly but kept my language to a censor: "No matter which side of you it was you knew what you did! You knew the consequences! Ears, you broke my heart.. how can I ever trust you again? I don-.. it's almost like I don't know you. You helped me get on my feet, get started.. and ripped it all away from me!"

I couldn't help but tear up, this was really getting to me emotionally because I really connected with this kid and didn't want to lose him over drugs but he really messed me up. I wasn't buying into his sob story about the drugs taking over his personality, I was instilled as a child no matter what influence you are under it is an influence you have chosen through out the course of you life and you are responsible for the actions you partake in while under said influence and he was guilty as charged.

I shook my head while he pleaded, I didn't want to hear a thing and I realized I was going into a bitchy-esque type of mood and needed to stop myself before I said and or did anything that I regret. But I think it was too late. I told Ears I wanted the money he stole from me back in an hour if he was serious about becoming my friend again and truly apologetic about the situation he caused. And that's when I saw a side of Ears I think I needed to see in order to get him back to a normal him, he broke down for the first time.

"I'm sorry Ears, that's my stipulation." he looked at me and spoke in a very shaky tone: "I f- fuckin' t- took money o- outta my pay-check t- to fuckin' pay back mo- mother fuckers 'round 'ere, m- yo, y- you know what?" I shook my head at Ears, I didn't want to get bashed and blow up into a huge fight, I didn't want this to get out of hand and end up getting words said to me he didn't mean. "I do not want to fight, Ears." I said to him in the most calm tone I could, trying to keep both of us cool, it went into his ear and out of the other as he said "Y- you know what, Kate?" taking a step toward me with his index finger pointed directly at me.

He shook out of anger and sadness, at this point we were both crying and this made me melt into a pool of sorrow. When he pointed at me and began to speak, I could see he was serious, a kid who was doing what he could to help someone out and fell down to addiction and didn't understand why I couldn't accept that he did something wrong and he was sorry for his actions. He stood there, hand shaking and finger extended while tears poured down his cheeks, saying in a shaky emotion roller coaster: "I a- ain't never h- helpin' no one again man, f- fuck you!" he said, raising his left hand and shaking it at me out of anger, not knowing how to express his emotions he turned and walked away, his head hung down and his body weeping sorrows he didn't understand.

I felt so bad for Ears, my heart sunk down to my heels again and I realized I broke his spirit, I messed him up hard and there was no way through all this "arguing" I would let him walk away now, I felt like I couldn't abandon him. "No Ears.." I said in a low tone, I know he couldn't hear me but that's all I could mutter as I began to follow him like a puppy who was a tick away from losing his owner forever. The only words I could say to save my skin was "Ears, if you care you won't go." while I was on the verge of more and more tears, but that sentence sunk into him like an anchor and he held his ground, slowly turning around to face me and I approached.

I didn't know what I was going to do when I got to him but I know it had to be compassionate, I reached my right hand over his left, balled fist and gently gripped it while I looked into his eyes, his head was hung down so I couldn't really get face to face with him. I took a chance with my left hand and put my index finger under his damp chin, lifting it up slowly so we could speak eye to eye. My eyes flickered left to right to keep onto his, I spoke with such sincerity.

"We both went through some tough stuff..." I said, my eyes forming slowly into the puppy-dog esque look. "..and it would be foolish of me not to recognize you went through worse or just as bad times as I did." I paused, searching for words "I, I don't know.." and I leaned in, wrapping my arms around his and giving him a huge hug, he didn't respond but I buried my head into his chest and sunk in for a moment, closing my eyes as my cheek rubbed against his Raider's hoodie. I leaned back slowly over time and looked up into his eyes once more, saying I was sorry and creating some distance so he could get more comfortable.

He approached me and I flung my head towards the ground, he re-iterated he was sorry and I did once more too, and we spoke about how things just happened and how we got to where we were, we were both ashamed I think. A part of me just couldn't let the money part of it go, I don't know why I said it but I brought it up again, telling him I needed that money because I had nothing to my name, he said he couldn't get it and his whole facial expression changed when I had said it, I know he didn't want to hear it come out of my mouth, oh well. I needed to get it out there.

I told him we had to work something out, anything. We had to do something to get the money back and he said he was out of ideas so I figured what the heck, I mine as well mention the first thing that came to mind, robbing. He didn't like it, he thought I was setting him up or something because he immediately questioned if he wanted me to go out and risk his freedom so I could live like a princess, I wasn't getting into another argument so I told him if his answer would change if I went with him on a few robberies, the same answer. Ears was a changed man.

I felt discouraged after trying everything I could to get this money back in my pocket but I was beating a dead horse at this point, he didn't seem too motivated and I wasn't going to keep pushing him. I just wanted to come in here and lay down on my new found couch and catch some rest, and after logging this entry I think that's exactly what I am going to do, ending the day happier with Ears back at my side, I think, and a thousand dollars to my name. I'm making it mom and pops.
 

...let go of what I am? I stand here with un-clenched hands, retreating to my own and enduring this all alone. I woke up earlier today to what had been the best night of sleep I had gotten in a long, long while. I leaned up and just rested on the back of the couch with my legs extended, the small things in life seemingly more appeasing to me then before. When I got up I figured it would be best if I started putting my services to use and hopped in the shower to clean off real fast.

I wanted to do something nice for Nando's home and thought about it through out my shower. I had cleaned it last night before passing out and I just felt like something what in complete around house, like it was missing a certain element. It took me a slow coursing over my body with a towel and a little bit of time to realize I needed something like Febreze air scents or something to illuminate the home with a very pleasant smell.

I threw on a basic outfit of whatever I had closest to me and hit the door, heading out to the twenty-four seven around the corner to see if I could find something I wanted for Nando's home. When I got in the car and turned it on I started to ponder off into thought, I remember Nando telling me he had a wife and a daughter, I hadn't seen either of them since I was staying there, which was only one night so far, and was wondering if I was going to see them today or tomorrow or in a month. I kept contemplating what might happen if I had ended up meeting his wife and daughter, none of the scenarios working out in my favor.

I parked up next to the twenty four seven down the street and slid in quickly because I didn't feel like loathing around here and spending more money then I had intended, I used to have a bad habit of doing that when I spent my parents' money. I ended up picking out a couple of fruity scents because the sweet stuff like vanilla always rubbed my nose wrong, I couldn't ever acquire a taste for sweet scents. Ten dollars and a short car drive later I found myself back where I had started, in front of Fernando's home, but when I went inside this time I was met by something I had recently began to dread.

I pushed the door open slowly and didn't even catch Nando's attention as he hovered over his door, the home I once cleaned now looked of a ravaged and pillaged city, as if Vikings has recently tore through here. Fernando's persona seemed to be sad as I listened to the female behind the door speak as if she was talking to someone else, I gently closed the door behind myself and kept my right hand wrapped around the knob in case things got out of control and Nando or I were in danger. I let a small exhale of breath shimmer down my lips when she opened the door, her nose peeking out before the rest of her face.

"Oh, so this the bitch huh?!" The woman said, immediately I gathered that this was Nando's wife by her hostility. I went to mutter out a sign of plea by saying "Hold on." but I couldn't, I stopped at the "H" and let her continue speaking and acting on. She stood in front of Nando and began to beg for him to move out of her way so she could get towards me, I did what I could by trying to tell her that this was a mistake. By her tone and what she said she was convinced Nando was cheating on her with me which wasn't true at all, I never even looked at Nando at anything more then a friend so this whole situation was a bit daunting to me.

She eventually pushed Nando out of her way and got around him and into my face, she was taller and weighed a lot more then I did so I was pretty frightened at first glance, she mentioned recently getting out of prison and the last thing I wanted to do was dis respect their family by fighting Nando's wife, but get my ass kicked by a female gang-banging thug. I did my best to come off as submissive, shaking my head and wincing when she had gotten more and more angry, I tried to explain to her that I knew Dom and when Dom had passed away I didn't have anything in my life because my only two friends were Ears and Nando and Ears had recently flipped on me.

She didn't buy it at all, she wanted revenge on me for something I didn't even commit and she was destined to get it as it seemed, she rolled her eyes at me when I tried to explain myself to her and said to me: "You know what, bitch?" pushing me out of her way while strolling outside. The door shut after her and I turned to Nando and a woman standing behind him and raised my shoulders out of confusion, I had no idea what was going on but I wanted this all to end in the most humane way possible. But for some reason I had an inkling that wasn't going to be a plausible scenario for his wife.

It took her two minutes to come back inside and when I saw the pistol she had in her right hand I almost fell down to my knees and pleaded for my life right there. I felt like she was more then mentally capable of killing me on the spot in their home and having no remorse for anything. And Nando in the condition he was in might have helped her bury my body and turn what I made myself into, a distant memory to taint the thoughts of the lonely. No way in hell I was dying here.

Nando walked over to her as I put my hands up in the air, showing her the white flag. He pushed her into the corner somewhat forcefully which surprised me and trapped her in it with his arms, his facial region looming down on her body. He told her to relax, and that me and him had nothing going on and we had not done anything, he was doing me a favor and she was over reacting, how ever her response came quick and witty, saying with passion: "I'm over reacting? You've got another chick up in my home!" Are all Latina women like this? Looking back that was the last thought crossing my mind but now if they are, holy crap I am royally screwed out here.

She finally began to semi-break down and told Nando to get me out of the home, she didn't need to say that two times as I immediately went for the door and got out of there as fast as I could, shutting it behind myself, she mentioned I would get three holes in me if I didn't leave right now, while I shut the door I heard Nando scream at her, saying she was: "FUCKING INSANE". My first instincts were to walk over to my vehicle and I followed them like they were the brightest star on a wanderers journey. Sliding inside of the driver-side I leaned over and let my neck hang down gently, my muscles straining. It felt so good to get some sort of stretching, some other sign of relief after what had just happened.

The moment was short lived, I realized now I had to get out of here before she had come outside with the weapon and let loose on me. I reached up and did the casual flick of the wrist to turn my car on when I was stopped by a distant: "Hey, Kate!" the voice was un familiar. I turned around to meet who I now know as Eazy, he smiled down on me in my car and said "Hey girl, come here for a moment." and I did what I could to explain to him I was in a rush, but it didn't really deter him from speaking to me, he had a mission to get what he had to say out.

"Now's not a good time.." I said to him, shaking out of fear. "Listen, I don't bite.. but I get you. Look, I heard about Ears." Eazy said, I raised my eyebrows up higher then I had ever before because I had no idea who this person was let alone how he knew about what Ears had done to me, was someone spreading this around in Ganton? "What about him?" I said questioningly. "I heard about him taking your money-'n shit, right?" I nodded my head and leaned back into the seat of my vehicle, his phone rang at about the same time so he backed up and answered it, motioning me to wait with the rising of his right pointer finger.

A little kid ran up and took his spot in no time, resting his right hand on my window and looking at me with a surprised expression like he had never seen an Oriental woman before, it was cute. He introduced himself as Gus but right when he was able to do so Eazy had gotten off of the phone and shooed him away with a hand gesture and leaned back down into my open-window space, speaking to me once more. "Gus, go to Rabbit." And Gus nodded and ran off, such a innocent little boy.

"Yeah so anyway, don't worry about Ears, that faggot is sorted." I really hope that had a double meaning to what I thought sorted was and what I thought he meant sorted was, I really hope he didn't hurt Ears over it recently or anything because when I saw Ears last night we had patched it all up. I don't know if Eazy knew this or not but I really, really hope he did. I did what I could to try to explain to him that me and Ears were okay now but he spoke over me and hushed me once or twice.

"How much he take from you?" .. "Around five thousand.." .. "Five thousand? Holy FUCK." he responded back to my answer, I nodded my head and said: "Everything I had." and Eazy shook his head, gripping my door handle with intent. He took his attention off of me and onto another man who was approaching the vehicle with his eyes on Eazy and Eazy asked him for a minute alone with me and the man left, but when he ended up walking away he revealed Nando's wife, she just walked by my car tapping her waistline with Eazy leaning inside of it, I was so intimidated I almost sped off.

He nodded his head and said: "Take this.." and he threw a wad of money on my lap, telling me it was five hundred dollars, holy crap! "I'm going to pay you ever week." he said to me, I looked over at him and noticed he was leaving and threw one last sentence I could think of at him to get him to stay around the car for one more second. "Why me? Why are you helping me? Do I even know you?" ..He looked back at me and said one more line before disappearing off into the night.

"My name's Eazy, you live here que no? Any friend of Nando's is a friend of mine, and Ears is my fucking kid."

I sat back into the Oceanic's seat and exhaled slowly, I couldn't compound the joy of having all of this money at once because Nando's wife took away whatever enjoyment I had left in me for the time being. My phone began to rang as he left anyway, how convenient. I leaned over and slid it out of my right pocket and immediately dove into a conversation with Nando, he kept apologizing to me and I apologized to him back, he seemed sorry for the situation that had happened and I didn't know why, I felt like the home wrecker here. He told me not to be apologetic and to keep strong in the situation, he had enough people freaking out and I promised him I would be okay, but I almost broke that promise when his wife strolled by me, giving me a terrifying look as she approached Nando's house. I told him she was coming and it'd be best to hang up, we did.

I got out of my car, figuring it would be of everyone's best interest if I stuck around and tried to sort this out when his wife, who he called Evie, came around to things. I watched Nando beg Evie while she got into a car, my hands were clutched around a fence watching everything transpire in front of me like some sort of soap opera, what the hell did I just get myself into? She sped off and Nando chased the car for a moment, getting to the end of the drive way where I was and sliding out his cell phone, he was about to call her.

At this point I considered her lucky, most men who I knew; well who I thought I knew from the hood would've let her go or dis respected her for thinking me and him slept together, but Nando was chasing her like a dog on a squirrel. He kept calling and calling and begging and begging for her to come back and work things out but I don't think she was to receptive, when he hung up for the last time he lost his cool.

Nando darted over to his left, past me and into a Sanchez which was parked, pushing it over and constantly kicking and kicking it until he broke something, I don't think he ever did break anything but he was more determined. And there she came, around the corner in Nando's car as if the whole thing was scripted and I was on a really over played version of Punk'd. She drove into the drive way and got out, Eazy and Nando slowly accumulated over to her and began talking, when she got back in the car Nando almost fell to his knees and Eazy got on the hood, making sure she wasn't going to go anywhere.

Slowly they all seemed to calm down and Evie got out of the car, but when she did she pointed at me and started to walk towards me, Nando tried to hold her back so I assumed this couldn't be anything good so I turned around and walked toward the gym, I heard Evie calling me and trying to get me to come over to her but I didn't want to move or do anything with her at all, not even talk. I just wanted her to leave me alone. But with my amazing luck she ended up catching up to me at the gym and I turned around, having enough of her bullying I decided to face this like a grown woman.

Me and Evie sat there, eye to eye, me looking up on her. She was visibly angry and after all this time of trying to get me to confront her, when I actually did she seemed offended, taking out a pistol and shooting it into the air. Nando grabbed it from her and Evie shrugged, raising her first; Eazy watched. Nando tried to say one more line to break it up, desperately pleading to Evie: "She HAS nobody!" and Evie responded to Nando with: "You 'finna have nobody too if you don't get the fuck out the way."

I had enough, I raised my hands and Nando tried to stop it but I had provoked Evie too far, she pushed around him and rushed me with several punches, I did what I could to keep my head straight and my posture confident, leaning on my left foot while I delivered a right jab to her cheek. I took a step back after that and she went for my hair, gripping a lump of it and tugging it out of my scalp it felt, ants stinging my head relentlessly. I didn't let her do that without getting away, I swung my right hand down under and started to repeatedly hit her in the face, listening to her skin pop back while my knuckles crashed into her nose and eye-sockets, her grip loosened over time and she leaned up, staring me in the eyes and ultimately letting her guard down.

I think I won my first fight. She hit me a few more times then I can remember though because my bottom lip is partially swollen and feels a little more hot then it should, but she looked like she got the worse end of it. What confused me the most is after we fought she went up to me and told me I was cool, and that because I didn't run from her this time, Evie had my respect, she held her hand out in a gesture. I thought it was a trick and she was just going to try to hit me once I went for her hand but I fell for it if it was, we gripped hands and hugged, she went on her way inside and me and Nando sat there with a stupid look on our face.

I looked over at Nando, he looked over at me and we shrugged, heading inside for another night of drama and chaos, except this time.. I was accepted among the wolves.
 

"You failed him.." The voiced swirled around my head, faintly breathing over my ears. "He was in the palm of your hands, and he fell through the cracks of your fingers." The room was black, the voices a faint whisper. I was in hell. "Kate? Kate! It's me, Ears.. I miss you so much! I'm up here with Nando now!" Ears' voice called out to me in a high pitch as if he was a little boy once again, I felt my head jerk up into the air but I saw nothing but a bottomless black. I was surrounded in my own sorrows once again, something I had let come so close to my life I had also ripped away from myself in the same instant.

"We could have been so much more then this Kate. Why did you let us do this?" Ears' voice continually echoed out in a screech, the high pitched tone stinging in my ears. I raised my hands to cover them but the words still pierced through as if nothing was there. "We died at your expense Kate, we're dead to you now. Do you feel better about life now? We're gone, Kate." He wouldn't stop, the consistent torment broke my soul down to a fragment of what it once was, I felt my knees begin to cave under my weight.

I began to see a shape out in the distance of the black, it was a fast moving object headed towards me, outlined in a vibrant sky-blue. Ears stopped talking, I wallowed in the silence. My body began to shake, adrenaline flowed through my veins as if my body knew I was in danger, what was coming at me? I slid my hands down, they couldn't touch the floor beneath me, was I floating?

The thud of a pair of running feet brushed over all other noise, I could make out that it was a person running towards me, with each step they had tremendous gains of getting closer. My heart began to run inside my chest, nerves flooding every inch of liveliness I had. I propelled my body forward to get onto my feet and immediately turned once I had, running in the same direction the person coming at me was, trying to escape.

The thud's got louder, whatever was coming at me was not slowing down, it wanted me. What did I do to deserve this? Why was I being chased? Where was I? None of this made sense. My hands moves up and down like gears in a trained motion, the running wasn't working, it was getting closer. My panting was drowned out over a influx of panting, but when I closed my mouth for a moment I realized the panting wasn't mine, I was doomed.

Exhaustion flooded over my body and I collapsed. I couldn't outrun the figure so I decided to turn around to see who or what it was, if I was going to die here I wanted to see what my killer looked like, it was Nando. He got closer with each coming footstep, his sprint slowed down into a walk as he feasted his eyes upon me. It wasn't the Nando I knew, it was something else. His eyes were painted over with a slick black, his face bearing fresh cuts as if he was just sliced open, having a cut from each corner of his mouth to his ears; his skin still seeping over his chin.

I was lost for words when he got to me, he walked all the way down my left-half of my body and leaned over, the humming of his tired breaths bellowed out below in a deep tone. His eyes slicked over and became instantly white as I felt his gaze stare into my soul, he slowly bent down on one knee, that knee cracking sounded like a gun shot among the room or whatever I was encaged in. When he got close I noticed the face transforming into someone else, the skin literally crawling under the hairline and new skin emerging from each side of Nando's face, the bone structure changing in the same instance, I was tainted with blood.

"Dom."

I barely muttered out, raising my right hand to gently place it onto the transforming face, what was I doing? My hand went without any consent, I couldn't control it any longer. What now leaned over me was a old friend of mind, Dom. He didn't speak a word, he just looked at me and put his left hand over my hand which rest on his cheek. I looked into his eyes and didn't move, I was laying on my back, hair fluffed out beside me. Dom leaned his head in, getting practically nose to nose with me, his eyes began to dilate and didn't end while he stared down upon me, his left hand grabbed the hand which rest on his cheek tighter, clenching my fingers.

"Everyone you love is dying Kate, don't you see the pattern? Don't you understand?" The voice wasn't Dom's! It was someone else's! My body began to shake, I now laid trapped under a possessed Dom of some sort, I couldn't take it anymore! He began to raise his voice, a scream slowly seeping out of his mouth. His teeth ran black and his tongue was pointed, it slid out of his mouth and tilted his head to the right, his pupils engulfed what his eyes once were. The tounge began to trace over my cheek, it showed no bounds as it kept extending. I felt the tip begin to cut in my skin like a serrated knife, my cheeks being gashed apart. His squeeze on my fingers were in the jaws of death, my eyes flowed over with water from the excruciating pain as I watched my fingers break, twisting in ways I had never seen; the skin being ripped off of each one as he pulled back while holding them.

My body was overcome by a cold sensation! Dom was tearing me apart limb by limb for no reason! His tongue moved over to my left eye and I watched it hover over me for a good moment. I saw the bones of my fingers literally being ripped out of their socket, Dom just smiled as he looked down on my body, showing no mercy for the girl he once helped. The tounge slowly swirled down to my eye socket, he wasn't going to do it, was he? The screaming stopped, he was silent.

"Katie Saekoung, while I gouge your eyes out of their sockets.." I didn't let him speak any further, no! "Dom, please!" I began to weep, my voice sounding as if I was violently shaking. "I-.. It's m-.. me, Ka-.. Kate! I-.. no-.. don't hurt me an-.. anymore, please! I'm begging you!" I extended out my 'you' trying to show my melancholy state.

"As a bird does it's child, your whim's will not be taken into consideration when it is time to fly."

And the end of his sentence his tongue flew down into my eye socket, the pain as if someone tied me down to a bed and used a knife to carve my eyeball out, I screamed out in pain and my voice turned into a harsh rasp. I knew I was going to die here. The tongue splashed out of the other end of my head, I couldn't feel anything anymore but the ice from a frozen lake engulfing my body, was this the feeling of death? The only eye I had left, my right, leaped into darkness, the dream coming to a hault.

I opened my eyes and noticed reality, my body in tact and laying in the back seat of my Oceanic. I glared out of the back window and into the stars, knowing Dom and Nando watch over me and Ears while he rests in prison alone. I, for now, am sinking back into my old ways, living out of the back of my vehicle. Everything I had, gone.
 

...felt so good as it rushed inside of the split ends of my hair, grazing my scalp casually while I stepped down the street's of Ganton, a place I had once feared now a place that rests the souls of my friends. The first person I caught sight of was Eazy among a group of people, three guys and a girl. I stepped over to the right and got under the awning and he caught sight of me, I waved Eazy over.

"Hey" I said as he walked across the street, darting my head down to my shoes, the tip of my spine brushing through my skin. Eazy didn't respond until he stood next to me, finally giving me a greeting back. I didn't know what to say at first, I was very confused. I looked up for a moment and slowly directed my head over to his direction and began to speak my mind, which I was terrible at. 

"How are you doing?"

Eazy said nothing for a moment and sniffled, his nose and forehead scrunching up, he took a second of his time to tilt his head down to the right and let a trail of spit smack against the ground, finally responding: "Not good Kate, not good at fucking all." and he had every reason to feel that way. "Did you hear about Nando?" I nodded my head to Eazy's question. "That shit's fucking terrible, 'eh?" I couldn't think of another action more appropriate then another nod.

The group over to my right in which Eazy was standing in began to roar in laughter, not to our conversation but one of their own, my senses got triggered. "Hey, Eazy?" I asked like a child to their parent. "Whas' up?" .. "Do you think Nando will be forgotten?" I asked curiously, wanting to know why everyone was smiling in such a downpour of sadness. "Hell yeah he'll be forgotten. That's how it works Kate, the old one's die and the new ones who were taught by the older one's develop this into something of their own, that's the cycle."

I frowned heavily, my forehead turning into waves while I looked down to the ground, that wasn't the answer I want to hear and Eazy knew it, looking down at my while I stared at my feet. "You live and you learn, girl." he said, it went in my right ear and out of my left that instant, I didn't want to hear it. The wave of sadness that was gently sitting in the balance of my heart wanted to rush out of my mouth and pour all into Eazy's brain, letting him know the tales of a broken heart but I saved my words, reserving what I said.

"It's terrible, to lose everything you have. Now I have no Nando, no Ears, no Dom.. I don't have a home anymore, I've gotta move back into my vehicle and start all over again." Eazy paused and looked over to me, by this point I was crying, just not vocally. "What'chu mean, 'no Ears?'.." I leaned over to my left and let out another sigh, I forgot Ears told me the only person he told was his mother and I was to spread the word around the hood.

"He uh.." I paused, Eazy impatiently urged me to speak. "He got sent to Prison! He said when Nando died he lost it, going out with drugs or something stupid, he got caught with drugs and said he won't be out of Prison for a long time, I asked if I could bail him out 'n he said no, I couldn't. His mother and me were the only one he told and he told me to tell y'all that he wasn't going to be around for a long time, I'm sorry Eazy."

Eazy gritted his teeth and let out a grunt, not saying a word while he slipped his hands into his pockets. I looked over at him and he seemed to be trying to do whatever he could to calm himself down, muttering out: "This is fuckin' stupid, dog." And I agreed with him silently, it was stupid. Eazy looked over to his right and eyeballed what seemed to be the female of the group, telling me to stand still and wait for him to come back, I nodded and ran my hand through my hair, looking down at my shoes.

Eazy waved the female over, she was a taller girl then I was, skinny; a pretty woman. They started to converse and I got lost in everything, my eyes staring down the other side of the road at my Oceanic. I was getting sick of seeing that car sitting around, it did nothing but make my life a living hell. I lived inside of it, I did everything inside of it and I was sick of seeing it! I let my eyes drift up into the sky, the baby-blue such a calming color in a time of calamity. The white clouds gently riding the train of air through the world, I wished I was a cloud in this point and time. To have no responsibilities and no feelings, all you do is float among the earth with one purpose. And then when it's all said and done, you disappear, or do you?

It kind of reminded me of life, I got so lost in the thought I wasn't aware that she was calling my name, the woman Eazy waved over. "Kate" Eazy said harshly, trying to get my attention. I looked over at him and he waved me over, while I approached the woman started to talk to me. "How are you?" ..she asked while I approached, I shook my head and said: "Not good, not good." she just nodded her head and said "Alright."

"So you're Kate, huh?" I replied with a nod, she touched on the wrong topic immediately. "So, I heard Ears robbed you?" and I sighed, turning my body to face the way she was facing, standing next to her while I spoke: "Yeah, but we talked about it, it's cool." she didn't seem to care. "So he still owes you?" I nodded half-assed and replied: "Yeah, but he's in prison and we worked it out, it's not a big-.." she interrupted me harshly. "I don't give a shit." And about now, I was getting ticked off, who was she to speak this way?

I sighed heavily and leaned over to my left, giving Eazy a "Really?" look as he listened to the conversation, she didn't wait up for his response but kept talking crap. "He gone' pay that shit up." This woman was good at getting on my nerves, did Eazy set me up for this? I thought as I watched him walk away. "It's not that big of a deal, really. We're fine now" I exclaimed, trying to get her to understand I didn't want payment from Ears, I just wanted to see his face.

"Girl, it's not okay. We're going to hit that fool up, make him spit every penny out." My face began to get heated up while I turned to her, staring up at her while I replied in a very serious tone: "Listen, I really don't mind, I've got enough money to keep myself afloat for now, he's in Prison and he's not going to come home for a while." slowly turning back around to the way I was originally facing, catching sight of Eazy walking over to me and her.

Behind Ears came some mystery woman, appearing to be somewhat wealthy as she approached me and the girl I was speaking too with haste, saying "Hey!" to the both of us, I ignored her and wanted to see what Eazy was doing. He slowly came at me with a wad of money in hand, I am assuming another one of his payments for Ears, he shoved it out to me when he approached and the two women next to me looked at me in shock.

I immediately stepped back and Eazy stepped forward, he could tell I didn't want to take the money. "I-.. I can't." I said, and he shoved it on my chest and almost made me grab it, saying: "Take it, you're like.. dis-respecting me right now in front of my friends." The woman whom he had me speak to saying sarcastically: "Shit Eazy if she doesn't take it I will." and I snatched it up, not wanting to dis respect Eazy in front of anyone, he was doing me a huge favor. I shoved it down into my right pocket and looked around, all eyes were seemingly on me and that transaction for a moment.

I looked down and the woman whispered to me: "We're going to mess Ears up when he gets out." I looked at her, clearly offended as to why she'd bring that up right now and pleaded: "Please don't, we've made it up. It's not that big of a deal." and she said "No?" Eazy interrupted. "Don't sweat it, I'll handle Ears he's my youngin'." and I sighed out of relief, I think I could sway him not to hurt Ears. But then that woman, she never stopped, she goes: "I'mma fuck that motherfucker up though." And I gave up and walked to my Oceanic, forget her!

I sank into the seat and flicked on the ignition of my Oceanic, driving into the day with nothing but my nerves bothering me to death, I was going to be highly upset if Ears got out of prison and got hurt.

I drove for hours on end which probably wasn't the smartest idea seeing as I had to be scarce with my money, I didn't want to dump all of it into gas. I had to do something for a roof over my head seeing as Nando's passed away and I haven't seen Evita since. I ended up parking for a moment at the old "home" I used to have outside of Richmond, right near a Casino and rest in the old parking spot I had hoped to forever abandon, wondering what my next move was going to do.

I couldn't really think out here though, all the commotion and inner-workings of a lively city night I was thrown off guard, there must have been some kind of event going on. I flicked the ignition on and drove under street-lights which illuminated my vehicle for a short moment, each passing one dawning light on me made me ponder about life, it's complexities and enjoyments all shoved into one short-lived hundred years.. if I was that lucky.

I ended up staring at the twenty-four seven down in Ganton as I passed the streets all my fallen friends once roamed, thinking about their lives on this earth; their struggles and their hardships all washed away by a rival gang or the Police, which they considered to be of rival gang-esque. 

I could never understand the concept of taking a life, the thought of them almost bringing me to tears once more; but what I had learned from the street-life bringing a dim sign of strength to the situation, forbidding me to cry. I ran under one more street-light and was plagued with the terror of losing the depth of vision once your eyes adjust to light, and that one second is all that it took for me to slam into the front-end of a cruiser going sixty miles an hour.

I heard a deafening smack as if my vehicle was struck by a propelling wrecking ball, my body jolting forward out of my seat and chest colliding with the steering wheel. The Oceanic was screeching as it slid across the road, rubber itching the surface of a freshly-paved street. I slid over to my right after my chest-collision with the steering wheel, slamming into the passenger door of my vehicle with my neck, my air-way closing as if it was constricted by a set of hands. The car came to a fashionably late halt as I barrel rolled off of the front seat and into the floor-board of the passenger-side, gasping for air.

I had the wind knocked out of my from being jolted around and while gasping for air, my chest had an internal pain as if every time I tried to breathe, someone smacked my dead in the chest with a sledge hammer. I had to breathe though, I did what I could to mutter some strength to curl into a ball as I slapped my hands onto my chest to hold it as if that'd make it better, eventually I caught wind.

Gasping didn't alleviate the chest pains what-so-ever so I did what I could to relax and try and breathe normally, it took a good minute. Once I had decent enough composure I planted my hands on the floor-board and lazily threw my body onto the passenger-seat of the Oceanic as if I was a run-down book in the library being thrown on the shelve, rejected by a reader. When I leaned back into the seat and did what I could to practice my breathing I heard a dim tap on the window to my left, I said nothing and let my hands sink onto my lap, still focusing on my breathing patterns.

"Ma'am, Los Santos Police Department. Are you alright?" I nodded faintly as I heard her speak to me, my body didn't warrant any movement. "Does anything hurt, ma'am?" she asked, I leaned back into the seat and let my neck roll on the edging, slowly coming to a stop when it tilted to the right. "My chest hurts, extremely bad. I had the wind knocked out of me and got jostled around." I replied to her question. "Alright, can you do me a favor and try to exit the vehicle, ma'am?" I told her I would try and slowly began to move.

I let my hands sink into the seat and used them to slide my body to the left, towards the driver's side door, the woman moved out of the way and opened the door for me. My first response was swinging my legs to the left and letting them dangle out of the door-way and towards the ground, facing the outside of the Oceanic. I counted to three in my head and hear her say "Let me know if you need help, ma'am." before I slowly pushed myself up. I did it without any help.

It was strange, nothing hurt on my body but I was so woozy, she lunged at me but stopped once she noticed I wasn't going to fall, standing up felt so strange, I could tell my equilibrium was off. I leaned back to my left and I heard her speak with caution: "Baby steps alright? Don't go falling on me and cause more damage then there already is." I really respected the LSPD in the moment, no matter the situation the woman who was handling me and the partner she was with seemed really compassionate, caring about my bill of health more then their own.

"Yes ma'am." I responded as I swirled around for a moment, stopping to the best of my ability by keeping my hands open-palmed and rested in mid-air, trying to balance myself. "Ma'am, at this time I'm going to press onto your chest-region and I would like for you to respond if something hurts more then usual, and or where you think the area of pain is coming from, if there is a place you would not like me to touch, let me know now." she said, sounding so commanding and influential. I told her that it was fine, I knew where the pain was coming from, dead in the center of my chest in between my breast's.

As she spoke another cruiser pulled up, a Sheriff's and she peered out of the window before hopping out, addressing the male officer with a question, asking him if they needed assistance on scene. The male officer told her to wait it out, that they may. They kept talking in the background, the woman who was handling me told me to take a seat inside of the Oceanic so I could relax, and that she was going to call an ambulance, I thanked her for her kindness and hospitality and did exactly as I was told, I needed a break.

Turns out the two officer's from the LSPD had to go somewhere for some emergency, it was called over the radio and that the woman who pulled up in the Sheriff's car was going to escort me to All Saints General Hospital. The Sheriff who pulled up was a woman, quite a bit taller then me and a very soft-spoken female, I almost felt like she was new. She addressed herself and said hello, I responded. She was very polite in asking me where I was hurt, I told her what I had told the police officer and she nodded and asked me to gently step out of the cruiser, and I was there if she needed any kind of help.

The LSPD hadn't left yet, the male approached the side of my car hurriedly and asked me if I could walk, I responded with a respectful "Yes sir." I then slowly began to make my way out of the Oceanic and he let me wrap my right arm around him, he assisted in setting me down in the back of the Sheriff's cruiser and him and the female LSPD officer took off in a hurry, I was left alone with the Sheriff.

She took off and drove towards All Saints, I rest in the back of the vehicle and she engaged in small conversation with me. "Rough day, huh?" I bellowed out in a laughter which crippled my breathing and I quickly stopped, succumbed by pain, she re-assured me that I didn't need to laugh and it was fine, just to relax. But she didn't stop for some reason, she had a sense of humor I really loved. It make me forget about all my hardships and just laugh like a little girl. "I thought my night was rough, but you win the competition." she said, I laughed once more but was cut off by excruciating pain, damn her. When I composed myself I told her I liked her humor, she made a statement about how it always gets her in trouble, I smiled.

When she got to All Saints she parked up and assisted me out of the vehicle, I let go of her hand and told her I could go inside and handle it from here, she refused to let me do that. I didn't have any insurance and with my Oceanic being completely wiped out I needed to save whatever money I had, I couldn't afford to spend it on Hospital bills, but I wasn't going to tell her that.

She told me she couldn't let me go in alone, she had to ensure that I had some kind of medical attention as it was part of her job. I refused once more and she said: "Listen, I don't care if you have anything bad on you, but I need you to go inside and at least get an estimate of the costs, and then walk out." I don't think Hospital's work like that. "Listen, I don't have insurance so I am not going to get treatment, I don't even want to go in, my home, the Oceanic? It's totaled. I have other priorities!" I told her, trying to make my point evident, she didn't want to listen and tried to usher me inside with words.

I shook my head, getting angered that the once funny Sheriff I knew was being pretty stubborn about me going inside, but I wasn't going to argue with her. I just started to limp off to the left and fade into the abyss of the city. I heard her say as I walked away: "I'm not going to tackle you over it." and I crossed the street, sitting down at a bus stop. I watched her get into her cruiser and pull off, leaving me all alone here to catch the next bus to wherever.

And here I am now, sitting on a bench behind Governor's mansion with my notebook in hand, once again dwelling in the sorrows of my past, I wrote something for Dom earlier and I feel it is only right that I make some kind of tribute in this book for Ears and Nando, I might see Ears again but I doubt it, and Nando's gone for good. So guys with all of my love, if you're a ghost over my shoulder reading this, here goes nothing:
 

...hopefully it stays open long enough for me to seize the opportunity and come inside. Last night I ended up falling asleep on the bench behind Governor's mansion but didn't get much time to rest, I laid down on the creaking, crippled bench which gasped for air to support my frail weight and to no surprise at every shuffle, it yelled back at me. The stars looked like poetry in motion last night and they had my eyes locked on center-stage, my thoughts bunched up on life.

I felt as if I needed a savior as of now, my knight in white shining armor to come sweep me off of my feet and make my life so much better. Jesus and his relatives weren't giving me a decent end of the stick at all in this deal. I wondered if Nando and Dom were behind the stars with their hands resting against it's smooth edges, their nose and eyes barely peeking over to see what I was doing. It seems to strange to me that they're gone still but I think it's making me a tougher person, the tears don't come anymore and I cherish the memories I once shared. I learned a valuable lesson come to think of it.

Why dwell on the return of something, instead of admiring the times you once spent with it. If it's return wasn't conceivable, then why hope? I think that's a page from my book everyone can take and plaster into any other death scenario, just be happy you could once create such a memory you can long for again.

My Oceanic was totaled, I ended up returning to the Police Department to see if they had any information on it and they said they had it towed, it wasn't able to be what it once was. I was a little upset at the fact and asked why I wasn't consulted on the matter. Their only excuse was they had no contact information of mine, made sense. I spoke with the man behind the front desk and he gave me his advice, letting me know I should try to contact my insurance company and claim the accident and get re-reimbursed for the situation, seeing as it was a Government official's fault, the company would send me a cash-cow for the claim.

It sounded feasible and I took his advice, sat down in the lobby and called my insurance company. I got thrown through the depths of waiting and the loops of language barriers as I tried to find someone who spoke my language, which by the way is English, clearly. Brian was my specialist. I spoke to Brian for about an hour and a half, letting him know the situation and having the Police Department forward an official statement signed by someone and a few pictures detailing the incident and Brian consulted with his manager on duty about a sum I could be allowed.

I was leaning back in my seat when Brian told me I was getting a four-thousand nine hundred dollar reimbursement and almost yelped out of my excitement. He then asked me for my Bank of America information and account number so he could deposit the money through their system, and once I hung up the phone he said the money was in my bank, and I would receive it within the next few hours due to clearing procedures for such an amount. I thanked the man who aided me in claiming my insurance and stepped out of the Police Department building a much happier woman.

I walked all the way down to the Rodeo bank, my safest route. My thoughts clouded with what I was going to do with this kind of money and also how I was going to make this last somehow. I already had a little bit of money to my name which was resting in my bank, keeping nothing more then ten dollars on me in case someone gets the urge to rob me out here, I've seen it and heard of it happening to a lot of people in Los Santos. My safest bet was the Jefferson Motels or the one behind the Pizza Stack, I could rent one out from there for cheap monthly payments and have a place to live for a while, something very low-key, just a place to call my own. I would have to work on getting a car eventually but that comes with time.

I walked into the bank with a clear mind but a set path, I wasn't going to let this accident consume me, this was the beginning of something huge.
 

...took a break from writing in this journal is a huge understatement. I've been so busy plotting things in the near-future I just couldn't find the time to write down what I wanted too in here. To keep myself up to date, I've got a small little shack in Idlewood I would call an apartment, someone lives below me in the lower-section of the house; we split it in two. I don't feel comfortable here, the floors creek at night and gun-shots ringing out through the city make it hard to sleep.

But for some reason, I like it. This is my home, I can do what I want here and I own this space, I have a living room a bedroom, heat.. a bathroom and a laundry room. Isn't that all you need? I pay about three hundred a month due to the location I guess, which I am still chipping off of my savings. I just spent another one hundred at the grocery-store and twenty taking a taxi there and back. So far so good, I'm living.

Soon enough I plan to be raking in the money, I have been thinking about diving more and more into drugs now that some of the local hot shots in Idlewood have been arrested or killed, it seems like the right time to try and make my move into the streets and become and independent dealer. I just don't know where I can get my product from anymore with Ears locked up and Nando and Dom dead. Everything just seems to be coming towards a dead-end and this is something I need to make work. I have to keep myself afloat here.

I still don't have a car and I think this is around the time where I start looking, once I get my "job" and all. I thought about going down to the News Network and seeing if I could do something as simple as writing articles for them or doing some kind of publishing for the paper. I am by no way shape or form qualified to do either but I think I can do these things with ease once I come around, maybe I could even be a field reporter, hah.. who am I kidding?

I am stuck at a cross point in my life and I don't know how I am going to come out of this, on my right I could try to take the legal route in all of this and do the San Andreas News Network thing or I could come out to the left and dabble back into the criminal life, but something inside of me tells me I am not meant to be a criminal..

Did I not learn from Ears, Dom and Nando? I want to grow old, have a family and live life happy, and none of them are ever going to be able to do that, and what were all of them? Criminals.
 

...I could fucking break something in two right now, I've got so much anger boiled up inside of me and no outlet so I came here, I never fucking curse at -all- but right now I'm so fucking upset! I've got a fucking welt on my bottom lip and my body feels so hot as if I'm on a rotisserie.

This dumb fucking whore, I don't know who the fuck she thinks she is, who is she? Why the fuck did she come and attack me and claim I'm fucking her man? Who the FUCK is her man!? I DON'T KNOW WHO HER FUCKING MAN IS, WHY AM I GETTING MY ASS BEAT? ..ugh, I need to calm down.

Let me try this again in a more rational mind-set. I came outside this morning to check my mail and there was some woman lounging around at the end of the hall sitting down on a couch. I glanced at her and I caught her attention, right as I got out of my apartment she came up to me and said: "That's the bitch?" and started to walk down the hall extremely fast, two other females trailing her movements.

At this point I dropped what-ever I was doing and leaned back, looking at her as she approached me, listening to the words she said. "I'mma kill you bitch, you're the Chink fucking with my mans, huh?" I shook my head and raised my hands at her in defense, motioning her to stop as he pleaded: "No, not at all I've got no idea what you're talking about!" Of course she didn't buy it, when she got closed enough to me she swung and clipped my nose.

My eyes flowed with tears in seconds and I was stunned, she hit me with to more punches and I fell to the ground, listening to my skin be relentlessly smacked with her balled fists, her huffing out air and screaming in the midst of beating me. "Wha-.. what's good *she'd hit me again before speaking* now bitch!?" I curled up into the fetal position and moaned in agony.

She kept hitting me for another minute, sending kicks to the back of my head, my hair fluffing out over my hands which warily head my held down from being attacked. My body took the brunt of the beating. I couldn't do anything but lay in a ball as her friends laughed at me, my hair being ripped out of it's scalp practically so she could get shots on my face but only hitting my knuckles.

She finally stopped and got up, there was no one around I assume, I heard nothing but her and her friends laughter, as she walked away I listened to her yell: "I swear to Jesus bitch, lemmie catch you fuckin' 'round agian I'mma cap ya' ass too, belie' that!" I leaned over and mustered myself up over time, my arms and legs shaking as if I was surrounded in sub-zero temperature, but in reality my body simmering with heat. I slowly opened my mail-box and grabbed what-ever mail I had, which was two letters, my hands shook so bad. I was scared I was going to have a panic attack.

I scrambled inside of my apartment, slammed and locked the door shut and plopped down on the couch shortly after, throwing my mail in the air and letting it hit what-ever it found. I hate being the victim of all this fucking abuse! It bothers me so much! Why did Evie attack me, why did this random woman attack me for no reason, is this some kind of sign, God!?

I hate being so alone in times like this, my heart yearns for someone to hold me, the re-assurance of someone telling me to close my eyes and everything's going to be okay. A shoulder to rest my head on. Where's my man at..? I need someone to tell me this is going to be alright, someone to support me.. please. I shouldn't have to sit here and confess to this stupid journal and dump my emotions out through ink and lines. I need compassion, something I didn't care for when I first got here, but something I want oh so badly now.

Where are you, mystery-man? Come hold me.
 

...man does it feel great to be home today! Kicking off these terrible heels, relaxing my feet on the couch, leaning back. Oh, and did I forget to mention the security of a job!? I got hired! Okay, okay. So let me break this down. After being assaulted I spent the next few days cooped up inside, I didn't want to go out and see that woman and I hoarded enough groceries to keep myself afloat. I think it was last Wednesday I had gotten a return-call from SAN and they wanted me to come down for an interview, I was stoked!

This job was entirely too good to pass up, it was way better and less risk-worthy then selling drugs and it meant I could eventually move out of this god-forsaken dump of an apartment. I had to keep a cool though, I wasn't getting the job for-certain.

So, when the day came around I did what I could to scramble what-ever dress and heel combination I could find and do my hair up, I decided to put it into a bun, it was very formal and my mother always loved my hair in a bun, said I looked really respectful so, mom, I hope you were right! I left my apartment, made sure to keep everything locked and clutched my hands to my side as I kept my eyes ahead of myself, trying not to get mugged on exit. My perfume almost loathing the lower-middle class.

I stepped onto the curb and listened to the birds chirp, the children play in the latest broken fire hydrant and the community buzz about the latest drama. I loved this side of Idlewood, before it turned night-time outside. It was so peaceful when anyone within a ten-mile radius could see crime, hmph. My taxi rolled up shortly after and I paced off inside of it, ready to head down to the tower in seek of my new position, the buildings I passed raising my tension more and more as I inched towards Star Tower.

I reached my destination, exiting the cab like a kid getting off of the bus for her first day of school and approached what seemed to be a man's silhouette in front of the building, straightening out my skirt and making sure I had next to no wrinkles in my clothing, I locked my eyes on him and he on mine, smiling while we approached one another.

I approached him with a dim, nervous smile and said: "Hi, my name's Katie I was told to come down here and meet an employee?" and he nodded back to me and casted a smile before holding the front-door open for me, saying in a very soothing tone: "Yeah, I'll take you there. Follow me miss." and I did as I was instructed, led through the front doors of the building I slowed my pace in awe of the interior.

Everything seemed so upper-class here, and I know I don't come from much but from what this place seemed it was so, homey. It smelled like the DMV back in New York, like the building got replaced with new furniture every day and no one had farted on the premises since the location was built. The one thing I couldn't ever see myself becoming a fan was, was this never-ending array of stairs leading up to god knows who's office, I bet their calves were in tip-top condition though, it was ridiculous.

All I knew as I climbed up the array of stairs is that I was looking for a woman who went by the name of Mel, she'd be the one conducting the interview, each step I took I became more and more anxious, I felt my palms being to get clammy. The guy who was leading me around took time out of his day to make sure I was doing okay, looking back at me at certain points as if I was going to disappear, every time he did I just casted a nervous smile and wiped it off my face when he turned back around.

I finally got to the top floor, almost out of breath I found it hard to respond to the man leading me around. Thankfully he pointed to a door and let his eyes wander down my body while I walked in, I could just feel it. The woman who I assumed was Mel sat behind a computer, a distinct "BLONDE'S HAVE MORE FUN." mug sat next to her computer, I did what I could not to scoff, my nerves holding me back. She was dressed very upper-class, a very professional, Hollywood feel to her, maybe it was the lips which looked entirely too big for her face.

I was waved over and motioned to take a seat by Mel and I did without any questions, waiting for her to initiate in any conversation. I was so worried and shaking I hope it wasn't too evident, I know she could sense it though. I thought I was screwed.

"Good evening Ka-.." she stopped and shot me a questioning look. "well, actually we already have a Katie. Hmm, we'll have to see about that. Well.. that's -if- you get offered an internship, ha! Let's see here.." the way she started off conversation had me so worried, she spoke so confident and fluently I found it hard to back-trace my words and come up with something logical to say, I blurted out the closest joke to my brain, saying lazily: "Yeah, my parents weren't the most original people." and rubbed the back of my neck, I could've heard a pin drop it got so silent.

She pursed her finger's-for-lips together and looked over at me. I shot her the biggest fake smile in the world. "So, looking at your application I see you have no previous experience?" I looked down at my feet as she said that and submissively nodded my head at her. "So, with no qualifications surely you must be in possession of something else that shows your ability, am I wrong?" I looked up at her and inhaled slowly, telling her that I had nothing with me to back up my words and that I'm desperate and hungry enough to show her that I am ready and willing to be a part of this, she kept her poker-face on the whole time and it did nothing but make me want to run away.

She blindly grabbed her mug and stared at me while I pleaded with her, taking a swig as if she was a viking returned form a winter war. "You have arrived at the most prestigious network in San Andreas and have no examples or previous work, a portfolio, nothing and you expect a job? Is that professional of me to take a stranger's word?" My head sunk to my knees as if I was already defeated.

I didn't know what to tell her, I needed this a lot more then she knew and all she had to say was a three letter word and it would change my life forever. I looked up at her with the biggest puppy-dog eyes I could give her and pleaded for a chance with my actions, I could tell she was starting to soften up and I needed to fill the silence with words.

"No ma'am. I really have nothing to gain and everything to lose here, I've got a very good work ethic and I promise to shell-shock you with my writing abilities. Just please.." She sat back in her chair after I begged, looking at me for a moment, she raised her right hand and gripped a pen that was scattered across her desk, aiming it at me and speaking.

"Despite having nothing to show me. I see a hard work ethic under there, it takes a lot of guts to come in here with nothing and expect something and the fact that you did it either shows me you're stupid. Or that you're someone who's thirsty for the job, and that's what I need. Due to my short staff, I'm willing to cut you a deal." I smiled at her and let a wave of relief flush through me, saying anxiously: "Anything!"

Mel leaned up and looked at me, speaking casually: "I want you to hit the streets of Los Santos, witness something you deem article worthy and bring it to me, I'll review it and see how it comes out. You have until the weekend, so consider yourself a part of our internship program." I nodded my head and smiled at her heavily, I was beyond excited. Mel directed me downstairs to a Monique, the receptionist for my handbook.

I shot out of my seat and almost ran into a man of color, I moved out of his way slowly and half jogged to the stairs, riddled with excitement. The man who led me up followed me down, catching me on the fifth or six flight of stairs he asked me how everything went and if I got it, I told him I did and he gave me a congratulations. He seems really sweet, but a little bit too flirty or as if he is trying to come onto me, he offered me a tour but I respectfully declined, eager to get out onto the streets of Los Santos.

I caught up with Monique and got my handbook, sifting through the croud of regular people and staff alike in the lobby, feeling as if I was embarked on a journey through Grand Central Station, I finally collapsed out onto the streets of Los Santos. My next mission? Get a new pen and a pad of paper and start new, proving to Mel I can and will be her best reporter.

When I left the building I was immediately approached by a man who had, from what I guess, just pulled in. He beckoned me over and I spun around on my heels to make sure he was speaking to me and he was. I shot him a smile and slowly approached the man. I smiled up to him and said hello, he responded to me with: "Katie, is it?" and I nodded my head, saying: "Yes, but I go by Kate, you must be..?"

He took a second and presented himself in a very professional manner, giving me his full name: "Leonard Crawford" and shook my hand, I smiled and returned the gesture. I liked him, he seemed very straight forward and business man-esque, I can respect a man with a little alpha. He asked me how I did on my interview and I may have lied and told him I "nailed it" and we exchanged laughs for a second before he had to go attend to some business, he told me he'd see me later and I nodded to him in a respectful fashion, watching him walk off with a smile.

Maybe this whole legal thing's gonna work out.
 

...that everything I have going right ends up going wrong somewhere down the line. I sat in my house for the past three to five days trying to come up with something for Mel and her team, I went out late at night and did what I could to get passable content. I came up short in the long run, I guess.

I spent my time trying to cover a recent epidemic I had noticed that plagued Idlewood. There was this thing going on around the community in which I referred too as "blow for blow" and I decided to investigate. The premise of it all is that hookers and or women would go around offering a blow-job for narcotics. The story, revolting at the thought was pretty interesting to dive into.

I spent at least two days going over the small article I had, scrapping it nearly ten times and proof reading it ten times over. I just couldn't seem to get it right and I missed my deadline. Mel hasn't called or anything, I think she thinks I just gave up, I don't know anymore. I'm quickly becoming depressed.

I just feel like I'm backed in a corner, you know? It's like right when you get something going good, it cripples or you just lose all motivation and give up. I'm sick of going through all of this alone. I wish I had a friend or someone to talk back to me, this stupid journal doesn't do anything but listen.

I don't know what's next on the ballet. Part of me wants to go down to the Network and try to convince Mel but I know it won't do me any good. I already let her down once and with my lack of experience I'm pretty sure she's going to give up on me, fantastic. No one to blame other then myself though.

I sit here and scribble most of the day now. The back-end of my journal filled with stupid sketches of monsters or something dumb like a broken heart, illustrating my emotions isn't a strong point. I just feel as if there's no purpose for me now, like what am I doing here? I lead a dead-end life. I have nothing going for me now and rent that's due at the end of the month in like, twelve days. What am I doing with my time?

I don't want to be homeless again. That's not for me and I really do not want to slip back into my old ways, floating from gang-banger to gang banger trying to get a gram of weed or two to sell to the kids at Los Santos High School. I need real money, I need something that's consistent and something that's going to put me on my feet. But what really offers that out here anymore?

I can't be a cop, I can't be a paramedic, I can't be a thug, I can't be anything politic-related due to my knowledge handicap. What the hell else is left besides the criminal life? And I'm not even good at that. I swear this does nothing but make me want to break down and cry acknowledging how big of a turd I am.

I have no creativity left in me, maybe that's why I feel drained. All of my "friends" are long gone and or forgot about me by now. I feel solely left-brained and, I don-.. I don't even know how to operate. Hopefully I can knock back this Nyquil and force myself to sleep, I don't want to be awake anymore, I have no aspiration to continue on with life.
 

...changed over night, I guess I expected too much by thinking something would change. Everything is still so gloomy, I sit in the middle of a plain apartment, nothing around me but dim candle lighting and mirror reflections. I can make out a television in front of me, a table.. only silhouettes of objects. I perceive nothing normal anymore, or what was my standard of normal. I always find a grim ending at the beginning of every thought. I think I'm becoming depressed.

Depression isn't this though, is it? My heart doesn't ache, it's a numbing feeling. Almost like a cloud of debris clogging affection, nothing can get in. I feel like a little boy birthday morning. He wakes up with the biggest smile on his face, he's so innocent, he sprawls out of bed and runs downstairs in his pajamas, getting hugs from his parents, a fresh bowl of apple-flavored oatmeal blended with the perfect amount of sugar and cream, the steam slowly running from it to the ceiling out of the bowl.

He eats so slowly, he savors every bite, today's the best day of his life, the sun's beaming on his soft, blonde hair which casts down his forehead like a waterfall. When he finishes eating he runs over to his parents side who sit hand in hand on the couch, a beautiful couple and a picture perfect scenario. He looks up at his mommy and daddy, asking them when he can open presents, energy coursing through his veins like a swift river. He can't contain his excitement and his parents can see that, they laugh in motion and tell him he can go open them now.

He sprints, his hair flailing aimlessly and his feet barely able to keep traction on the wooden floor, ushering himself to the dining room where he sees his presents displayed on the table in a fashionable order. He doesn't waste any time, his heart pumping and his actions so illuminate, he rips away at the biggest box he can find, shredding paper off the box like a Lion does a Gazelle's skin.

His parent's shadow him in the entrance of the dining room, laughing hand in hand as he opens the box slowly, only to find nothing in it. He looks back at his parents, they're still smiling at him and usher him to keep opening more boxes, he hesitantly does so. Box after box he finds nothing, he gets his hope stepped on and demolished by his parents. His only emotion depression as he weeps in shrieks. His ever so perfect day beginning to be spoiled as his parents laugh at him in misery, watching him expectantly open boxes to get gifts but get nothing in return, just torn boxes.

He sits in the living room, so curious as to why he got nothing. He doesn't know how to express his emotions, his tears trickling down his cheek to empathize his portrayal of sadness. That's how I feel right now, that's how I'd describe myself, I am him. I am the kid who is now sitting in his room with nothing but hate and resentment and for what? He's not old enough to understand what happened to him, am I not old enough to comprehend this feeling?

I sit here making imprints into this rugged couch, flipping through what seems to be endless pages of newspaper writings. Maybe I could've been making one instead of reading one right now, hmph. I flicked over the classifieds, there's a few things I might be able to get into, a construction job and a job driving around a taxi, the taxi job seems a lot more "me" then construction.

A part of me doesn't want to do construction, or be a taxi driver, or do anything at all. The only thing I have remote interest in is taking what money I have and getting a cab out to Mount Chilliad and spending the "rest of my days" staring off into the remote ocean. I could starve to death, be eaten, be bitten by a snake, I don't honestly fear death in these grim days, there's no purpose.

I wonder what it would feel like, my hands gently resting in-between the grass blades of the mountain, my feet dangling off of the ledge as I stare at the ocean in-between my toes, the wind tickling the bottom of my feet. I could be parched, worn down to nothing but skin, flesh and bones. But dying out by nature, at such a beautiful sight, is but an honor regardless of personal health.
 

...worst call I've ever received in my entire life about thirty minutes ago. I sat back, sinking into the cushion of the couch I was about to lose, inside of the apartment which was about to go with it. I wasn't ready, I wasn't prepared and when my phone rang, I sure didn't expect it.

My mom was on the other end, she sounded extremely melancholy, her whole tone during the conversation carrying over to me. I could tell something seriously wrong just happened.

"..Hello?"

"..Katie, it's your mother." She sighed faintly after speaking, taking a deep sniffle which was contorted by a clogged nose.

"Mom? Hey! How are you? Everything okay!?" I replied, showing a dim amount of excitement to try and cheer her up.

"Kate, I don't know how to tell you this.." She said, her voice soundly wobbly at the end as if she was going to burst out into tears.

"What's wrong, mom?" I said, staring down at the floor while leaning up.

"It's your father Kate... he, he got into a terrible car accident, I'm a-.. at the hospital now, I just drove up here, h-.. he didn't make it Kate. I-.. I'm so lost, I don't know what to do!"

I sat back into the couch, my forehead wrinkling while my eyebrows pushed up the waves of skin. I just got smacked with some of the worst news I had ever heard in my life, my mom was an emotional wreck on the other side of the phone, voice pitch changing at each second to reflect her crying and emotional state. My tears followed shortly after and I couldn't embrace the waterfall sliding down my cheeks, I told my mom I had to go and she said okay, we both hung up.

I shrieked out in the apartment as if I just saw and intruder, I didn't care about anyone's privacy anymore, this was about me. My face slammed into the couch, my hair trailing it like wind, slowly falling over me. I wasted no time adding moisture to the cushion, my crying beginning to get un-controllable.

My heart sank into the depths of the inner-workings inside of me, there was no way it could recover from such a fall, I was deeply impacted. My father was everything you'd want in a dad, someone who you could come home to and tell everything, you always know where you stand with dad and something like that's beyond respectable.

I know he loved me, I know he did. And I know he didn't deserve to go, there was no way in the world God wanted to take him from me. I was not ready to lose my father yet. He supported everything I did, he was always in my corner like a dad should have been, right or wrong. He lent me money to get out here and pursue "acting" and I did what a terrible daughter did and lied to his face the entire time, I wasn't out here acting. I was out here doing absolutely nothing with my life.

Who was I now? Who was I before? I had so many questions running through my head and I didn't know where to start answering any of them. I felt like the little girl with no friends, no where to run and no where to hide and no one to talk to about anything. I've been out here for almost three months now and I know absolutely no one I can pick up the phone and call and expect them to be on the other end of the line.

I liked who I was a year ago more then the person I've become.
 

...I made it through another month. December here I come. I really hate to constantly write these damn journal entries and have each one of them get worse and worse, but nothing seems to get better around here. I'm still sulking in the loss of my father but I decided sitting on my couch probably wasn't the best way to cope with what I considered to be moderate depression, might need to see if I can get some Zoloft.

I broke out of my shell and took a couple dollars with me as I hit Idlewood. After about two or three weeks on a tap-water diet I kind of owed myself a can of pop, my first stop was the vending machine down at Idlegas. I spent my time walking down there staring at people for some reason, just watching them laugh, dap up their friends and just have a good time, I've been such a hollow shell for so long. When's my turn?

I had gotten skinnier, I don't know how I wasn't just bones at this point. I had no curves at all, I was flat as a cardboard. I could start to piece together why I had no one in my life, I wasn't appealing. I finally hit the gas station after about ten minutes of walking and weaving in and out of traffic at one four corner intersection. I ran my right hand's finger down the buttons trying to contemplate whether I wanted Mountain Dew or Pepsi. Me being me of course I couldn't choose, I just closed my eyes and pressed a button.

I listened to the Pepsi roar to the bottom of the vending machine the same way the machine ate my quarters. There was a group of African American males behind me, nothing new around Idlewood. They just watched me get my drink, I'm pretty sure they were dealers. Oh how envious I was that they had some form of a job.

I kept my eyes locked down to my Pepsi and just kept walking, figuring I'd just crawl back into my hole of an apartment. I crossed the street directly in front of Idlegas and to my surprise the roaring of a bike made me turn my head, being greeted by Able. I caught a "Yo, yo, yo!" from one of the men at the corner as Able pulled over, he was approaching but quickly turned around while Able flicked his kickstand down.

I smiled at Able, it was nice to see someone I'd known around town, even if it was just an occasional weed deal. He was someone I knew. We started to greet one another and he'd asked me how I had been recently, I told him I wasn't doing good at all, the recent SAN misfortune, I didn't however mention what had happened to my father. I figured for my emotional state it was better if I just kept my mouth shut.

He got all of the details, about how I called Mel and spoke with her for a little bit, never really got back to her about my article and ended up crumbling it all up and tossing it out. He didn't seem all that interested in what I had to say so I asked him what had been going on in his life, the only thing that had really changed is that he was or was being voted in to the Vice President seat of his motor cycle club, I figured that was pretty cool.

He mentioned over time that dealing wasn't safe anymore, I kind of smiled and rubbed the back of my neck because I had been planning to ask him if he could hook me up when he pulled over. It didn't sound like it was going to play off but I wanted to and had to at least try.

I did what I could to try and lure him in with sadness, reminding him where we met casually, bringing up our past in dealing. I also told him how I lived in the back of my Oceanic but he didn't seem that shocked, almost like he'd known. He pitched in his two cents and told me that must have sucked and I nodded my head, agreeing with him. He said I looked said and you know he's probably right, I did look sad. But who wouldn't when you're living out of the back of a car that runs on practically no gas all the time?

I somehow got onto the topic of me getting into an accident with a police officer, telling him I got a decent insurance check from my company but it was going to run out soon, I was currently paying all my bills with it and when it runs out I'm done. He thought, and I quote: "It must be pretty badass to live off of the FED's" which I didn't know how to take, hopefully that wasn't a compliment.

I went onto mention I was basically down to my last set of options, try and get partnered with this construction company or drive a taxi for the rest of my life, neither of them were something I ever excelled and or had a past in, so I didn't really see that as a successful route. He smiled and didn't say anything so I knew I needed a hook, I told him I might have to get into something a little more dangerous.

It worked because he immediately questioned me with a quote. I looked around for a moment and told him I might have to get back into dealing, nervously fiddling with the tab of my Pepsi can. He went to say something but I cut him off, asking him if he dealt because I knew he bought, he shook his head and said he doesn't get into anything drug related due to him being voted in as a Vice President.

I looked over to my right and exhaled out of my mouth and nose, not knowing what else to say and feeling as if I was at the end of the straw with this drug dealing shit. I looked back down to Able and asked him a very blunt and probably, as I look back, rudely question: "Is there anything you can help me with? Any product you can front me with?" He laughed, he freaking laughed at me. Really? I got so offended, he leaned over to his left and re-adjusted himself on his motorcycle as he began to shake his head.

Fantastic. I didn't even respond, I let my emotions get the best of me and I just angrily walked away from him. I know it wasn't the best option I had and probably not going to be able to mend that friendship now but.. I am so tired of being shut down and having doors closed in my face. I freaking hate it and I'm about to resort to something extremely desperate soon. I am refusing to give up with Los Santos and move back to New York, but oh how much I want too.
 

fifty-two degrees outside today, not the weather I'm used to before Christmas and that's probably a good thing, it helps me forget the holiday festivities and the fact that I'll no longer have a dad to share them with. For the past twenty days I've been homeless, ever since December kicked in me landlord kicked me out. The first day was rough, between crying and starving I began to contemplate if I'd even live another week.

It's kind of funny what a person will do when their back is against the wall. When I had left Idlewood all I had on my back was a sack full of clothes and this journal, plus or minus a pen or two. I started walking towards Jefferson, the youth that hung out in front of Crystal Gardens hassled me to death and the fact I was crying didn't help.

With blurry eyes, a sunken heart and no ambition to live I didn't know where I was going to go, at first I thought the best place to try and head to was the rail-road tracks, at least I'd have a roof over my head and I wasn't going to completely be isolated from anything and I wasn't too far from town if I needed it. I re-adjusted the sack which slung over my back and trudged up the bridge next to the railroad tracks, my tears finally dissipating.

I crossed the street and next thing I knew I was at the Jefferson church, everything seemed to hit me again. Who was I? I'm a homeless twenty-something year old with no direction in life, no education, friends or lovers. I literally had no hope. But where was I going to go if I felt sorry for myself all of the time? I had to make a change and stop wallowing in the fact that I had nothing, I have to get out there and -get- something for myself.

No one wants to be homeless, and I'm included in that majority. When I sat down on the cold cement slab which acted as a bridge from the floor to the upper level, I knew this wasn't my home. There was a dim red light which reigned out above my head revealing who and where I was, so if anyone was looking I'd for sure be spotted. I had nothing to sleep on or with so I spent the first night there sitting on the corner, I must have fallen asleep for about two hours, if that. The constant rattling of trains and buzzing of lights isn't the best remedy for a comforting sleep.

When I woke up the next day I needed to do two things, one; secure my luggage that way I could walk around town without it. The only solution I had for that was to find some way to pick the lock of the door that I slept next to next to the train tracks and pray that it was a storage. The next thing on my list which was essential is get food and water somehow.

I threw my backpack over my shoulder and hit the streets, the first place on my mind was the mall. I needed to get a screwdriver from there or something that was useful so I could try and pick lock the door. I know they had a hardware store on the second floor so that was the first place I'd go. On an empty stomach a trip around Los Santos is a hell of a task. I hooked a left out of the train-tracks to see the sun's rays flare down on me, it was almost over-bearing.

I hooked a right and trailed up Jefferson after that, cutting corners and Hispanic gang members the best I cook and took the highway which bridged over the tail-end of Las Colinas, eventually finding myself in Temple. There were a few cars that pulled over and asked me if I needed a ride which was strange, usually people aren't that nice where I'm from and to see a complete stranger offer me help somewhat re-stowed faith in me, but I respectfully declined them all, the last thing I wanted to do was seem like a burden to someone else; so with a wave of the hand and the shake of the head they continued to drive past.

I found myself in Temple after a short time, finally an upper-scale part of Los Santos. I always liked the atmosphere Temple carried, besides a few weekend Hispanic cliques which the police department quickly took care off, it was always a nice and safe place to be. I cut left near the Pay N' Spray and walked in front of the grave yard for a moment. I wasn't going to make it to my father's funeral and my mother hadn't tried to contact me since he passed. I guess she didn't really care if I made it or not.

But now wasn't the time for me to get down, I pushed the thought to the back of my head and kept moving on, taking a left down Star Street and slowly approaching my right turn to get in front of the Los Santos Fire Department head quarters. Star Street was such a lively place, you hear about all the clubs that get robbed down here and the ill-mannered robberies, but past that this place is almost somewhat of a tourist attraction, the gleaming lights and the club-ish atmosphere really sways you into a different't environment.

I took a right when I got down Star Street and found myself adjacent to a disarray of apartment complexes that were to the left of the Fire Department's head quarters, they may not have been the nicest place to live but when I crossed the road to get in front of the Fire Department all I could think about was the stuff I would do to get into one of them, it had to have been better.. I know it'd be better then Idlewood.

I walked across the Fire Department's front door and as I was walking past I was what could have been the next cover of a National Geographic excerpt. It was your picture perfect family, a tall, brown haired stocky man exiting the hospital next to his wife, a short, petite blonde who looked to be in her youth holding probably one of the most precious children I have personally ever seen in my life. Her head was dipped and her right hand's pointer finger casually stroked it's belly as it laughed back at her in reaction. I couldn't help but stare at the man laugh with her as well, both of them ignoring my presence as they gave their child their full attention, walking to what I presume was his new Hummer.

I looked back down to my torn up Van's and smiled, I couldn't help but celebrate their joy of a new life. When I looked up I was at the corner of the Los Santos Fire Department and hooked a right down the street. I have no idea why but this place must be the new Idlewood, cars flooded the parking lot which was right down the road and people were lined up along the sidewalk chatting about current events, some sitting on the slab which held the sign to a local twenty-four seven and numerous shops along the strip. The sight at first raised my curiosity because I had no idea people gathered in-front of the mall rather than inside of it.

I crossed the road and in no time found myself submerged in the middle of mall traffic and struggling to find and escalator, I kept my eyes to myself and on my goal. I hated getting casual eye contact with someone else and I had no idea why. I found the escalator and let my right hand gently guide my on my way up, doing the Captain Morgan stance the entire ride. When I got to the second floor I hooked a right and kept my eyes on the wrench, slowly evading traffic and finding myself inside of the hardware store.

I had no money and only of the man behind the counter knew when he greeted me I'm sure his tone would've been a lot more impolite, I went out of my comfort zone and asked him where the screwdrivers were and he pointed at the far right corner of the store. I smiled, thanked him and trudged my way to the back wondering how in the hell I was going to steal this but I made it a mission that I had to complete, I didn't want this journal being stolen from me or any of my clothing for that matter. I didn't know whether I needed a Phillips screw driver or a flat head so I rustled my hand through the assortment and ended up picking out one of each.

Their black handles, smooth in essence had ridges along their sides that made it hard to slide into my pocket and not be notice-able. I turned around to look at the store clerk and he seemed busy with another customer, I figured this was my chance to strike. I ducked down faintly and slid my backpack off of my back and struggled to get the zipper open, I was too nervous and like a blonde actress in a horror movie, always too late. By the time I had thrown in the screwdrivers I heard him as if he was right behind me bellow out a "HEY!"

I jumped and screeched and attracted more attention then I wanted. People walking by were looking in the window at me, knelt over shoving a pair of screwdrivers into my backpack. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" he said, his eyes flaring as he approached me. He was a middle-aged, overweight male who hadn't seen a razor in the past five years and if he got a hold of me, I'd be dead. I zipped up my backpack and eyeballed him as he approached me, I didn't say nothing, just stood in stance. When I knew he was coming to grab me I darted off to my right light a cheetah, almost slipping on the tile floor due to my Van's having next to no grip from being worn down.

I was about twenty feet away from him and my hands rested on one of his shelves, he was on the opposite end, and lucky me, he was near the only exit. He started to run towards me, screaming out: "Get back here you little shit!" and I darted down to my right, everything a motion blur as I ran faster then ever before. When I got to the last aisle I knew it was my only chance to escape, I hit a sharp left and almost slipped on the floor, my left hand thankfully catching me and pushing me back up.

With my head ducked and my hands completely straight and moving like clockwork, I bolted out of the store and found myself bumping into casual shoppers and kids trying to find lost mothers, no matter who I disturbed, I kept running. I slowed down eventually after I got to other side of the second floor and headed towards the escalator, I wiped my forehead to spray the sweat onto the ground from my hand and straightened my hair to make it look like I wasn't running.

I casually jogged around people as I made it down the escalator, pacing myself as best I could to the exit of the mall, not trying to alert and security guards of my presence. I stepped off and looked around, I was in the clear. I thought to myself about how I just managed to do that and found a new confidence in myself, if I could steal screwdrivers and get away with it, what else could I steal?

Everything went great, I was at the exit of the mall and about to go back to the tracks. But he wouldn't let me, his hands engulfed my shoulder and he threw my back into the wall, crushing my backpack and making the screw-drivers sink into my skin, riddling my torso with pain. I looked up at him and he smiled down on me as if he just caught one of the FBI's most wanted.
 

...long since I've written, I am very sorry. I just don't know how I am alive and why I am stuck on this earth, that's complete honesty. To catch up where I left off on my last entry, nothing's really changed. What a great way to get back into this journal writing, Kate. I've been homeless since December and I've been living off of scraps.

I've been in and out of places, I've slept on the Jefferson basketball courts, I've slept on the hill in Las Colinas and I've slept under bridges in Idlewood. I barely eat anymore and when I do eat I steal from a twenty four seven, pathetic. You'd be surprised where being broke can take you, honestly. Months ago when I was selling drugs and actually living a decent life style you could say I would have never fathomed stealing from someone else's hard work.

But there's just something about having an empty wallet and stomach that pushes you to the edge. It would start out simple, I had a routine. There would be different shift workers across all of the stores that I stole from and I would hit one store every seven days and always on different shifts the days when I went back to a store I'd previously stolen from.

So for example, I'd steal from the Idlewood twenty-four seven at six in the morning on Monday, then I'd steal from a Jefferson twenty-four seven on the next, etc. When I ended up going back to the Idlewood twenty four seven another time I would end up stealing at like, eleven at night so that there would be a new worker, someone who wouldn't really recognize me. To this day I have only been caught once.

When I steal I don't do it in large margins, except for the one day I went for that vehicle and got arrested by the Police. I had actually gotten so good at petty theft there were a lot of nights where I would go to sleep with a full stomach and a two liter of Coke to my right, literally my life support. Caffeine and junk food, somehow I still managed to stay entirely too skinny for my own good.

My confidence caught up with me today though. I wanted to do something big, another shot at stealing another vehicle. When I had woke up at about three in the morning the only thing on my mind is how I could never get caught and how once I got the vehicle on my hands, I'd have enough money to get a roof over my head for a week or so in Jefferson or some other crappy hotel.

I climbed on to some bike I had stolen from Ganton a few weeks back and set out with a screw-driver in my back pocket to what-ever vehicle I could find. I had slept under the Idlewood bridge that night so my first place to check would be Grove street, but as I kept pedaling down the road and into the circle I had noticed next to no vehicles out front, great. I hooked a right into the alley-way and then a left when I got out of it, pedaling towards the stadium near East Beach, usually there was something in Saints Boulevard for me to take, of course there was tonight too.

A Greenwood rested onto the side-walk and road in front of the apartment complex and I made that my primary target, I parked the bike up against the apartment complex and stared at the interior of the vehicle as I did so, no one was inside of it. I did a double check of the environment before I went inside of the complex to check it out, no body was around me as far as I could see, perfect.

I peeked inside of the complex to see if there was any signs of life that might own the car and I heard nor saw anything, I felt like I was in the clear and the owner was sleeping. I left the complex quick and checks the surroundings outside once more, nothing. I wanted to make this one quick, I didn't want to sit here for fifteen minutes trying to pick the lock because Saints Boulevard was a pretty populated place, people drove by occasionally and I'd probably get busted by the Police if I tried something stupid, so I kept the screw-driver in my back pocket and made up my mind I was going to try and brute-force my way into the Greenwood, dumb idea.

I curved my elbow like a boomerang and smashed it into the driver's side window, it cracked on contact and shattered with a loud boom, followed by an instantaneous response by his alarm system, I was screwed. My right elbow was warm and ached of pain, but as I ran from the vehicle screaming out for help and up the hill towards Golden Palms I couldn't think about my elbow, just getting away from the scene before I was arrested. I had messed up.

In about three minutes I had found myself near Hoover Bank, not entirely too far from the scene I had just caused and with a bleeding elbow I know if I was spotted I would be questioned, I had to make distance and extremely fast. I noticed a Bobcat in front of the bank with the engine on and door wide open as if someone was just making a quick stop, not expecting anyone to be out on the prowl around three in the morning, oh were they mistaken. I immediately threw myself into the vehicle and sped off down East Beach high-way, pressing my right arm against the seat to suppress the blood. A smile on my face and escape itching closer towards me I figured I was invincible, until I saw the sirens and lights approaching me.

"I'm done" I said to myself as I pulled over, hoping he was going to another call but he wasn't, he pulled in right behind me. I was commanded to turn the vehicle off and I did without hesitation. The Sheriff slowly approached me and knocked on my window, I didn't even know they were up I was so delusional, not a good start. He smiled down on me with his charming posture and asked me for my license and registration. I didn't have either and this wasn't my vehicle so I didn't really know what route I should go with this, I could run away and get caught or I could tell him everything that happened and hope for the best, or just get canned. Either way lying didn't seem very smart.

I looked at him and told him the honest truth, I didn't have a license or any registration and he asked me to step out of the vehicle as I assume any office would, I obeyed him. He guided me to his cruiser and asked me to plant my hands over the hood of the car and I made sure to do as he told me to, I felt as if complying would at least make him go easier on me. I know an entirely too skinny of an Asian woman wasn't a threat, but these cops go through hell and back. He asked me if I had an issue with him frisking me and I didn't, I know he wouldn't feel me up. I am not attractive, if I was I wouldn't be homeless.

He found my screw-driver and threw it off to the right as if he didn't care or was getting lazy, I didn't understand his actions at the time but as he continued to speak I grasped more and more. He asked me what I was doing out here with a bloody elbow and a screw-driver and I told him. "Trying to steal vehicles, I uh.. need the money." he grunted and finished his search, his burly hands caressing my frail body I think he felt obliged to ask me if I had eaten today. I told him I did but it was a lie, I didn't.

He leaned off of me and I kept myself planted where he told me to, my head hung in shame and my pride lost in the depths of first world problems that didn't exist to me anymore. I had survival on my mind, everything else shelved. He didn't cuff me at all which I found was weird, he took a step back and asked me if I was homeless; I nodded.

"I'll give you a ride down to the DMV where you can get a license, then I'll show you somewhere to get money. Hows that sound?" I was shocked, I didn't know how to respond, he was being entirely too nice, I figured he had alterier motives, but who was I to judge, I didn't want to go to prison so I nodded my head and accepted his offer. He commanded me to get into the passenger side of his cruiser and not to touch anything. I did as I was told.

He made his way to the back of his cruiser and grabbed his BLS kit and pried my door open, asking me if I wanted treatment for my right elbow and I nodded my head, still confused by his compassion. I extended my right arm out to him and let him wrap it with gauze and treat it with dabs of peroxide to kill any infection if I had any. He did so and kept silent himself, my eyes were glued onto his face as I first handed experienced a side of law enforcement I had never experienced before. He was so gentle and kind to my condition, he didn't throw me on the ground or take me into a prison, he helped me. I was blown away, bless him.

He threw the kit into the trunk of his vehicle and got into the driver's seat, slowly accelerating. He was silent, I was silent and the only thing my eyes were on was the background of Las Colinas, it was turning out to be a beautiful morning, the fog gently gracing the trees with it's presence, the pink sun slowly erupting over the mountain of dirt and grass, dawning it's self on a dark Los Santos. He hooked a left down the big hill and took a dirt-road short cut onto the high-way and we were off into Vinewood, eventually stopping at the trucker depot.

He commanded me to go in and get an application, I reminded him that I do not have a license but he insisted again that I go inside and get an application, I fought him un-willingly. I didn't want to be a trucker, I can't drive and that doesn't interest me at all, I don't know the first thing and I knew I wouldn't get hired. He shrugged and drove off and told me we were going to the DMV to schedule a license exam for me, I didn't have the money but he already had that covered, handing me $75 in an assortment of bills once we had arrived.

I went inside, did what he told me to do and gave the lady the money, told her my name and she wrote me down for my first test in the middle of this month, I think she said the seventeenth, I don't know if I'll show. A license isn't really all that important when you live under a bridge and get around on a bike, it does enough for me. I might though, I might. We left the licensing place and I told him everything went smooth, he asked me to empty my pockets to make sure I didn't have the money hidden on me and I did with a sigh. "I did as you asked."

He nodded and said we were going to go to the Airport to get a newspaper from the local stand, he said there were job offers in the classifieds all the time and he knew that I could scoop one up. The whole way there the only thing I had on my mind is how much I do not want to work. I already tried doing everything I could and the fact that even the Pizza Hut or Burger Shot wouldn't call me back for an application really had my morale at an all time low. I was making it by being homeless, at least I wasn't going to bed hungry every night.

We pulled up to the stand and he ushered me to go out and get a paper, I reluctantly did and regret the decision as soon as I picked one up. "Two bucks, lady." the man said behind the stand, I stared up at him for a second as he extended his right hand out to me expectantly waiting for the money I didn't have. I looked down at the newspaper and back up at him and shrugged, darting off to the left with the newspaper in hand. The wind pushed my hair back and my chest heaved in and out as I heard him chasing me and the Sheriff screaming after me to stop, I couldn't. I didn't, I wasn't going to.

I felt the man's hand wrap around my collar and the crash of my face on the cement afterwards and I regret running away from him at that moment, I flopped on the ground like a fish out of water. My vision blanked for a moment and the man and Sheriff were talking behind me once I had noticed what was going on, all I heard was the man cursing out the Sheriff and asking him if he brought me there just to steal from him and for him to: "Get control of your criminals."

I felt sorry for the Sheriff before I felt the pain, but I was clustered up with so many emotions I reacted in the wrong way. My body was weak, now my lip was bleeding and my hunger took over my emotions, I lashed out on the Sheriff. "Listen, I don't want a job, I can't get one, I've tried! Pizza Hut wouldn't call back and neither would the Burger Shot, I won't make it out there!" He folded his arms and tilted his head at me. My eyes watered as if I was about to cry, I kept getting my ass kicked and life kept taking a shit on me, this town was cursed and there was no way I was going to make it. I looked at the classifieds but shook my head at the Sheriff.

He sighed and I rolled the paper up and stuffed it into my right pocket, he gave up on me. Like everyone does, he gave up. I don't blame him, I suck. He asked me if there was anywhere I want to go so he could dump me and continue on with his job, I told him Idlewood is fine and the entire ride there I kept my mouth shut, my fore-arm over my busted lip and my head in the lowest of lows. He pulled into the Pizza Stack, tapping his steering wheel to the song that was playing and I exited the vehicle after saying a thank you. He said I was welcome and to stay safe and that I'd "make it". I hoped I would too while I walked towards El Corona.
 

...one of the hottest day's I have ever endured in the beginning of February, thanks Los Santos. I woke up bright and early, I would say around eight in the morning and rolled over on my card-board bed and stared up at the bridge, listening to the early commute to work. I was beginning to feel like there was no where left to turn in my life, I kept bouncing back and forth on the fact that I didn't have any friends in Los Santos and I was probably the cause for all of that, and then I remembered Eazy.

Eazy was the one who picked up Ears' tab when Ears got locked up and told me once that if I ever needed help he'd be there for me, how could I have forgotten? I planted my hands on the card-board and threw myself out of bed, the first place I'd be heading towards was Idlewood, needed to get on the pay phones.

I had found out earlier in the month that the Idlewood pay phones didn't work right, which was a good thing. One of the local's in the area had figured out how to mess up the machine to where there was a constant dial tone, like a normal phone. Basically eliminating the fact that you had to pay for a call and thanks to myself, I had his number in the back of this journal, hallelujah.

The sun beamed down on the back of my neck and I felt like an ant under a magnifying glass as I walked in front of the run-down Idlewood homes, what once was probably a beautiful neighborhood was plagued with African American gang member's, being a small Asian did nothing but get their attention. Through the hyena's howling for me to come over and talk to them and the vehicles screeching around every corner I had managed to finally managed to get to a pay-phone.

It was everything you expected a high-class pay phone to have, a number-pad with etched out numbers and any number you needed to get a hold of for sexual favors, Idlewood sure did have everything the market had to offer in one city. Behind me to my left was an African American male who had nothing on his mind but the fact his eyes were so glazed his vision was basking in crisko, he smelled like skunk weed and was proud of it, laughing to himself and making sure that I knew he was high.

To my right seemed like a man out of place, an African American male who was calling back for his job interviews, he looked like he was in his mid sixties and from what I over-heard while dialing Eazy's number, he was trying to get a job at McDonald's. I shook off what-ever sorrow I had and tried my best to remain focused, I wanted to get a hold of Eazy and see if he could help me out in any way shape or form, I needed some money and while I punched in the numbers, my nerves kicked in.

"What" I heard a male voice say as he answered the phone, I took a moment to reply. "Hey, I uh. I'm looking for an Eazy?" I said in a frail tone, the commotion of Idlewood scurrying in the background. "He ain't here, I can take a message?" I was a little thrown off, it sounded like Eazy. "Uhm.. yeah. It's an old friend of his, Kate. I was looking to get in touch with him, is there a better time I c-.." he cut me off. "Oh, shit. Yo Kate! It's me, Eazy. My fault about that had some Government people calling my shit lately about a parking ticket, what's up home-girl?" I laughed and shook my head while I spoke as if he was directly in front of me.

"Nothing much." I said, still kind of in awe at his dry humor as he responded: "How you been? How's life?" ..I took a second to answer him. "It ain't good. Life literally is horrible and that's not sarcasm." And he groaned out of agony as if he felt some sympathy for me, I took advantage of it and pitched my idea at him. "Listen, I wanted to get some face time with you today, do you think we might be able to do that?" ..he took a second to respond to me and I took it negatively. "I uh.. I am kind of busy right now, but." I frowned and leaned over to my left, letting my right leg support most of my weight as I waited for him to respond.

"Yeah, go ahead and come down in about thirty minutes, a'ight?" I nodded my head and stood up straight while I spoke. "Alright, thank you. I'll be down there soon."
 

...fast lane describes how I've been since I have last written. I actually found this journal in an old box I was un-packing and dusting off, I wouldn't be doing it a good service if I didn't sit down and write in it, it's been a while. It feels good to be up, it really does. When I stopped writing last time I wasn't in a good place at all, I was starving and lacking friends, I had no reason to live and I was close to ending my life when I pretty much resurrected, so before I go to bed I'll jot down what happened and what's to come. I had so many things happen to me I thought I didn't deserve I wanted to run away and never come back, find a permanent solution to a temporary problem and I'm so glad I didn't, hindsight really is always twenty twenty.

My Fila shoes were playing soccer with the loose side-walk in front of Crystal Gardens, gently throwing gravel around, my head aimlessly following my eyes as I looked around, trying to find something peaceful in life, a sign of hope that there's something good to live for. I saw silhouettes under street lights, jaded figures of men with a worse past then mine trying to turn things around with a rock or plant, nothing I wanted to surround myself around. Once you wander around long enough trying to find a purpose in life it just gets old, you literally can't find one thing interesting to cling on and there's no light at the end of the tunnel, the only thing you can think about is the pain you're feeling at that moment in time. That's it.

I strolled over the bridge into So Hated's side of Ganton, peeking through crevices with more and more men littered in alley-ways, shooting me awkward stares. I had just gotten so sick of it, I couldn't find and positive and I know while I write this I might have sounded whiny, but my story isn't normal, I feel like I have every right to be upset. I looked over to the right and let my eyes latch onto the Jefferson courts and aimlessly wander off to the left to the little retention pond or what-ever it is, the little hole full of water in it.

It felt like I got sucked in, like I was floating over towards the water as an abduction was going on, looking back I can't really tell what I was thinking, something along the lines of suicide, the thought of never coming back. I felt at peace then, like I could be okay with never waking up again. I found something to latch onto, the end.

You never notice how bad you look sometimes until you see a reflection of yourself, the moonlight tainted the water every so faintly to where I could make out what I looked like, I could tell I came to peace with ending my life, as if I already died. The pale, expressionless look on my face and my hair carelessly hanging around my shoulders. The hunger and shame of being homeless was so new and it scarred me so deeply, I got tired of looking at myself. It wasn't deep, the water to the cement at the bottom and I figured I would just tie myself to a cinder block or something similar and sink to the bottom and just forget. I had nothing to tie a cinder-block to my ankle and then I noticed I didn't even have a cylinder block to kill myself with, great.

After about ten minutes doing some of the hardest thinking in my life, I came to the conclusion I would try and run towards the water and dive in, hopefully hitting my head onto the concrete and knocking myself out so I drown while I'm unconscious, seems painless and fast, right? Right, let's give it a go.

I backed up about twenty steps and looked around to make sure no one was coming, they weren't. I looked ahead and my eyes began to blur like I was going to cry, but there was no point in backing out now, do it Katie. Don't be a bitch now, do it. I took off like I was running the 40 yard dash in the NFL combine and inched closer and closer to the water, clapped my hands together and dove in head first to the cement.

I fell in love with death like you fall asleep, slow at first, but then all at once.
 

...think I was? I was so lost in the depression that I sank in I gave everything to try to end my life and start anew, was it worth it? It wasn't. I remember the sensation of hitting the concrete, the numbing of my spine after a short, sharp pain riddled through my back. When you drift away from consciousness it's the most peaceful, but frightening things you can ever experience. It's letting go, it's starting new, it's a dark mystery that could land you on either end of a spectrum, whether that be good or bad.

I woke up in All Saints General Hospital, I couldn't remember anything that happened at the time nor could I move, I remember the light flooding past my eyelids and down into what felt like my brain, causing so much pain. I knew I was alive, but not why. After a few blinks I was able to adjust to the new light and peer around myself, no one around. The first thing that ran through my mind was how nice it'd be to have someone like my father here, by my side, to run his fingers down his little princesses' hand and tell her everything is going to be okay, but he couldn't, he was spectating me from heaven. I laid there for about the next fifteen minutes before a nurse or doctor walked into the room with their face lit up, happy to see me arduously staring back at them.

"Katie!" She shrieked, the noise piercing through my ears like swords. "Hello! My name's Nurse Parkins, I've been taking care of you for the past six months!" ..six months? I immediately shot into a furrowed eyebrow and as if she knew why, she responded. "You've been in a coma honey, the blow you took to your head was brutal, but you're okay now! At first the doctors thought you may have caused some spinal injury or major brain damage, but the angle you fell was just right, an inch or two more and you'd have been bound to a wheel-chair." I didn't know how to respond, could I? I'd been staying here in this Hospital for the past six months, being fed from tubes and barely managing to live, I had so much to process I couldn't muster the words to reply. "Don't worry, everything's going to be okay, you waking up was the largest part of the entire process, there's no-where to go but up from here."

And that leads me to where I am now, an hour or two from hopefully being discharged from this hospital to a world that doesn't want me, finding myself back at square one, the same foundation I had when I came to Los Santos in September, 2013. It's been a few months over two years and I have no friends, no money, no connections, nothing but a lot of debt. I have no cushion like I used to have, I don't know my mother's phone number, or anyone's for that matter. I'm literally out here in the world all by myself and I honestly don't know if I am going to manage. Is everything the same? Is Ears out here somewhere? Can I find him and save myself?

Will I repeat my mistakes, or actually win in the game I've been trapped playing for the past two years? I guess it's time to find out.
 

...idea of what I was getting myself into, when I checked out of the hospital I am sure I stood there for about fifteen minutes before deciding to walk away. The hospital life got comfortable to me, I'd lay there in bed, they'd bring me food and I'd watch television until I got tired and then I'd go to sleep. Now I'm back out on my own with no one to bring me free meals and no one to let me sleep in their comfortable bed. Not the kind of adjustment period I was looking to get myself into you could say.

I had the clothes I came in there with, which weren't so pretty. One of the friends I'd made at the hospital, Derek, commented that I looked like a bum and laughed at me on the way out, I smiled and flicked him off, he was right, I was a bum but I guess if he saw me laugh back, maybe he'd believe I wasn't since I didn't take it to heart. Fucking Derek. I cut left and walked out of Jefferson Hospital and walked to Jefferson, staring at the bridge to my right that lead to the Pizza Stack before turning left down the road, Glen Park partially visible.

I decided to take a break in front of a small building with a parking lot in front of it, I didn't know what it was and didn't go inside, watching the customers move in and out of it I judged it wasn't anything too special, they didn't seem like rich nor broke people, just casual. I sat there for hours, wondering what I was going to do in order to eat tonight, I know I wasn't going to bed anyone or steal anything, stealing never got far with anyone but maybe there was a less obvious way I could do something and get paid for it. Maybe a car was a better option.

I'd been out for about five hours now and my stomach was rumbling, the sun was setting down and the night owls were coming out of their holes as I prowled the streets of Jefferson, a now predominantly Mexican neighborhood. I saw a black Tahoma over to my left and scouted the area, there literally wasn't a -soul- around, which was perfect. The windows were up in the vehicle but the keys were in it and it was started, someone must be inside who owns it. I looked around again, my heart beginning to thud, I wanted this vehicle. I could probably sell it for at least a few grand and then I'd be straight for the next week or so, I wouldn't have to steal. I could get a motel and have somewhere to stay or something.

I slipped my hoodie off of my body, gently peeling my shirt up with it to leave my stomach exposed for a short minute before my shirt fell back down over it. I took the hoodie and wrapped it in my right hand, looking to my left and my right whilst my adrenaline surged through my veins, I was about to do it. I cocked my right hand back and heard a bicycle creep up on me in the same instanced, I was caught, fuck. "A'ye, bitch!" I heard the voice say and right when I turned around, I got punched right in the side of the face. I fell to my left and stumbled for a moment, almost face-planting on the ground and taking a harder beating than what I'd have gotten. I planted both hands on the ground and forced myself up.

Running into an alley-way down the street my skinny body flew like paper in the wind, a malnourished person like I being able to keep up and or outrun someone who's been eating normally. I went around the block before he ran out of stamina and kicked it down to a jog, tonight wasn't the night. I kept running to try and stop myself from tearing up, I was getting angry and emotional due to having to adjust to my old life, living alone and on the streets with nothing in my stomach, head or heart. I rest my back under the bridge to the pizza stack, let my head roll into my hands and began to weep.
 

...to Gracebook in some sort of hope to try and find someone who could help me out. I guess I was always some sort of a "looker" so I uploaded a few pictures from my phone that showed off how single I was and a few that made me look good, hopefully in a flawed attempt to lure some guy into adding me as a friend and I could convince him to take me out to eat, just to at least get a meal in my stomach. It took me about twenty minutes and drained my phone batter about thirty percent, but I got a Trace-Book up and running.

I threw out add after add, trying to get people to flow into my friend's list and to no surprise a lot of people actually started to respond to my add, accepting it almost immediately. I'd be lying to you if I said my face didn't light up with joy, the rumble in my stomach fueling my flame. I got a few pop messages, one from Dana Price, one from a Scott Harrison and another from a Asher Rossdale Jr. Dana really stuck with me though, she asked me how I was and I wasn't going to lie to her, I was doing shitty, really shitty.. and a part of me thinks she understood what I was talking about.

We spoke for about an hour before she offered to get me something to eat, my heart filled up with joy and my body felt more alive than it had in years, I was so hungry it felt like my body was being eaten out from the inside. She told me I should "smoke one" which I definitely would if I had one, which is exactly what I told her. She asked me if I had ten dollars and that's when we pretty much got into the conversation of how broke I was, I mentioned that I hadn't eaten since I left the hospital and was so hungry, I had to get my priorities straight, etc. "If you can get to Idlewood I'll buy you food." she responded, Idlewood wasn't far away.. I was under a bridge in Ganton, I could be there in ten minutes! "Right now?" I asked, and she responded with the same words, just a period at the end.

"Look for a bummy Asian." I said, pocketed my phone and set out on foot. It took me about five minutes to get to Idlewood and I let the hood of my hoodie down so she'd be able to recognize me if she saw me. I walked down to the gas-station which is down the road from the Pizza Stack and didn't see her, so I circled around the block and came back up in front of the Pizza Stack, I figured if she wanted to buy me food she'd do it there. I waited for fifteen minutes and she didn't come to the Pizza Stack, I started to worry.. was she not going to show up? Nah, she'd show up. Something about her seemed so genuine to me. I took off down the original path I started, passing through the old Rollin' 20's hood and down to the gas station once more.

She stood there at the gas station and I locked eyes onto her, I could tell it was her by her facial features but I made sure I still asked her when I got to her, just in case she changed her mind or something. She held a Pepsi in her left hand and used her right to fish out some money after we spoke for a minute, her commenting on how late I was. I told her I thought I saw her but didn't recognize her the first time around, which was a lie. I didn't see her anywhere. I wish I could show you the look on my face when she waved out a $50 bill, I didn't know how to react. She wasn't planning on taking me out to dinner, she was planning on giving me money to eat dinner. I was so grateful, fifty dollars! I could eat for the next five days with that, no problems. "A-.. hey! I can't take this, this is.. a lot of money!" I responded, dumbfounded that a random stranger would do something this kind for me. Is this my new avenue of living? Feeding off of Trace-Book? "It's cool, don't worry about it." she responded. She mentioned she wanted to go back home, she must have been busy with something and with that I thanked her, watching her walk across the street towards what I assume was her home.

I looked at the fifty dollars, never happier to see President Grant in my life. He was my golden ticket for the next week. When I looked back up I met Dana's gaze, she was turned around and looking at me with something in her hand, I couldn't tell what it was but she was jiggling it like you would when you give a dog a toy or something. Or at least tease it with a toy. I looked at Dana and aimlessly followed her across the road, noticing once I was about half way across that she was holding up a dime-bag or a nickel bag and she made it seem like she wanted to know if I'd go smoke with her. I heard an engine rumbling to my left and right as I turned my head, mid j-walk, he flashed his sirens and pointed at me.

Dana walked off, I don't blame her, she had at least a bag of weed on her and who else knows what, this cop clearly wasn't going to take any shit if he pulled over just to get me for j-walking. I couldn't take a ticket though, I had no money besides this fifty dollars and if I had to use it to pay this ticket, I'd be fucked. I couldn't do that, I needed to eat. "Over here." his voice boomed, almost terrifying me at the audibility. I moved over to him and his cruiser slowly, he stepped out while I was making my way over there, hand on his firearm. "Stop" he said, and I did. He must have been at least six foot two and a hundred and eighty pounds of sheer man, someone no match in any way shape or form to be beaten up or outran by a skinny little Asian like me. He was so intimidating for some reason.

"Officer, what'd I do?" I said in a pleading manner, trying to use my puppy-dog eyes on him, he didn't budge. "What was your reason for j-walking across the street?" He said sharply. "I had to stop so you could continue." I didn't know what to say, I dipped my head in shame as I shrugged my shoulders, I had no defense here. What could I do? Tell him I wasn't j-walking and piss him off even more? There wasn't any point. "What's your name?" He said, leaning in to stare into my eyes. "Katie Jae Saekoung" I looked back up and him and he pointed over to the curb and told me to sit, like a trained dog, I did as commanded. I sat there for about ten minutes while I assume he checked my records, I contemplated getting a ticket and if I was going to be able to pay it in anyway and I wasn't, it would be too much money and I'd need it for something else, unless I did something drastic and got a huge payoff.

He came back over to me and I looked at him with wide eyes, I watched him take out his note-book and begin to scribble in it, leaning against his car. I shot up in a pleading manner and he didn't ask me to sit back down, so I took it as my chance to beg. "Officer, what are you doing? H-.. hey, I can't get a ticket! Please!" ..I began to tear up "I can't even afford my own -food- Officer, I'm homeless, please.. have a heart, this would cripple me!" he didn't say anything and kept writing, my heart sinking at the ink being spilled on the page. Why was this happening to me? I stood in front of him with watery eyes, I didn't know what to do or say to get him to stop, he never did. The rip of the ticket from the pad sew my fate shut, he handed me the ticket and my eyes locked onto the amount, three thousand dollars.

I shoved the ticket in my pocket, my face fell into my hands and I cried, I cried until my hunger from not eating for the entire day faded away.

 

...sweat off of my forehead I looked around Jefferson for a moment. It seemed to full of life, over to my right was Cardinal Park, Hispanic children littered the basket ball courts playing freeze tag, the teenagers amongst the group spread out on different corners, selling drugs I assume. The oldest of the bunch were perched onto chairs which lay back on the apartment complex at the corner of the street, taking casual swigs of malt liquor and speaking to one another. In the small moment of serenity Jefferson seemed like an amazing place to be, if you were Hispanic, there was so much going on it'd be hard not to fall in love with the personalities you met.

I shook my head and tried to grip consciousness, remembering the beating I nearly took last week for trying to walk down there and get some food. I tugged my loose fitting sweatpants up and took a left into an alley-way after the bridge, walking down towards Crenshaw in a hurry, I didn't want to get jumped here and have to deal with even more enemies in Jefferson so I kept my head low and my walking fast paced to try to avoid confrontation, which failed.

"A'yo!" I heard a voice ring out through the neighborhood, instinctively I shot my head up to try and see who it was or who they were talking too, my eyes stuck on him like a deer in headlights. He approached me quickly, his eyebrows furrowed and examining me while he walked, I watched his eyes move up and down my frail, pathetic body. I took a step back out of fear, but quickly found more people coming out of the wood works to see who or what I was, like I was some sort of exotic animal to them. The male got to me first, the one who called out for me and immediately grilled me with questions, staring down on me like a child. "Where you from? Whas' yo name?" I'd been around long enough to know that when someone asks you where you're from, in a hood, it's more or less g-checking you to see if you bang another set they don't like. I stared at him for a moment before I collected my response and answered: "I'm not from uh, anywhere."

He tugged his pants up and looked like he was going to say something again but cut himself off as more people approached, which was fine with me, the last thing I needed was to get jumped here because I was from the wrong side of the tracks so to say. I noticed a female approach me, she looked younger than I did but was probably tougher in every aspect, another male shadowing behind her. "Yo, she looks -mad- familiar." her shadow said, she spoke right after. "What's your name, girl?" I peered into her eyes and inhaled slowly, I wasn't going to weasel my way out of it so I responded genuinely: "Kate" in a low tone of voice. They smelled my fear, like the legend that dogs could.

"You think we gone hurt you, girl?" The female said to me, starting eye to eye with me. Like bees buzzing in a circle they all spoke, asking me different questions, making it hard to focus. It all sounded like background noise. "You broke!?" .."You wanna chill wit' me?" .."You got a bank account? Maybe I could help you." I did my best to keep my focus on Rae and shook my head to her question, trying not to offend anyone. After small talk they introduced themselves to me, Rae and BG Ryder. Rae's shadow disappeared off into the night during the middle of the conversation without me even noticing, which was frightening.

Rae reached down and grabbed my right arm, her alpha personality winning me over as I had no sort of defense to try and hold my ground in her hood. She motioned me over to what I later figured out was her home. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, or my heart didn't sink down to my stomach. I was so nervous all I wanted to do was run away, at the moment being homeless seemed a lot better than being trapped in a stranger's home that was in a neighborhood which was nothing but foreign to me, but I went along with it. Rae unlocked the home and the both of us strolled inside, she shut and locked it behind her which, at the time, was intimidating to me. She commanded me to sit while she walked inside of the kitchen and I did just that, slowly at first but over time becoming comfortable. I looked around the home for a moment, trying to find something out of the ordinary or something to try and give me a reason to want to leave, an excuse, but it wasn't a bad home, it was well kept and nothing too crazy going on inside of it.

Rae came down with a glass of water and handed it to me, I hesitantly accepted and took a small sip, watching her disappear off into a room adjacent from her couch. I peeked inside as the door swung open and noticed it was her bedroom, faintly decorated and more on the insipid side rather than anything. She emerged about two minutes later, a handful of clothes in her right hand, she tossed them at me and pointed to a door behind me and to my right, saying in a stern tone: "Go shower." I stood up, placed my glass on the table in front of me and walked towards the bathroom with a purpose, throwing her clothes on top of the toilet lid and stripping out of mine. I made the unfortunate mistake of looking at myself in the mirror, my body seemingly made up of bones and skin I was so skinny. I hated the way I look, the way homelessness takes the life out of you like a soul-sucking leech, withering you down to nothing but a sliver of who you once were. I kindled the water on, hand-tested the temperature and walked in, cleaning my body of the stench and wear-and-tear homelessness gives you, the only thing in life that's free.

When I turned the water off I heard Rae speaking to someone else, a male voice who was in the home with us now. I grabbed the towel and quickly dried myself off, listening intently to their conversation to see if it pertained to me in any way, shape or form; it didn't. I threw on Rae's clothes and surprisingly they fit better than my old ones but still sagged on my blank canvas of a body. I threw my hair behind my head and slowly walked out of the bathroom, leaving the towel neatly folded where I found it. I found myself almost face to face with a male figure which scared me out of my own body, but he carried a very polite tone to her character and seemed awkwardly genuine, as if I expected him to be a lot more of a threat than a friend. He extended his hand out for a shake and spoke:

"I'm Nino, whad'up?" I looked into his eyes for a moment then down to his hand, unsure of what to do I shook it in a business like manner, not in a "dap" manner, I didn't know if they had some neighborhood dap they did or if I even knew how to dap, so I did the only shake I'd ever done and it made him laugh, I introduced myself right after as "Kate" and let my hand drop. Nino kept his smile for a moment and walked over to the window, tugging down the blinds and speaking with someone on the phone while he surveyed Crenshaw. I talked to Rae for about fifteen minutes about my problems being jumped down near Cardinal Park, coming up with a solution Nino suggested: "You tell-em -Taco's- you from Crenshaw, feel me?" putting down his phone to do so. Rae told me I may need to eventually put in work and do things around here but I felt a little uneasy about it all at the time. I didn't think I belonged.

Nino hung up the phone and immediately following there was a knock on the door, he jumped up as if it was someone he expected to come through the home. The person entered and eyeballed me for a moment but went straight for Nino, speaking to him in a low tone, Rae distracting me from watching and speaking with me once more. The male was here for about ten or fifteen minutes before leaving, Nino hopping up right after him. I stood on one side of the table and Nino walked over to the other, dropping the fattest pile of money I'd ever seen in my life onto it, my eyes lit up like a kid's on Christmas, there was enough money in the pile to probably get me through the rest of my life with. He looked up at me and spoke, clear and concise: "..Man, do me a favor then. You and Rae Rae count this up for me." I nodded my head, immediately thinking about trying to shave a little off or earning a cut of it for myself. I responded with "Anything" and immediately got onto my knees, staring down at the money. Nino told me he knew how much was there and not to try anything, I re-assured him I wouldn't and while he walked out, I began counting.

Nino briskly walked out and right when he did, Rae looked down at me and spoke casually: "A'ight, you count it all up? I'll give you my cut." and walked away without giving me a chance to accept her offer or not. I wouldn't have denied her anyway, money is money and at this point I'm desperate enough to do anything to get some food in my pocket. I thumbed through the stacks neatly, organizing them into smaller stacks of one thousand. It took me about thirty minutes to finish it all and get it compiled into a neat stack, trying to earn some sort of cut out of it all due to presentation at least. While I coursed over the last stack and placed them all into a neat square, I heard knuckles slapping on the door. "A'yo girl! It's Nino, man! Open up!" I bolted up and reached the door, twisting it back and letting Nino inside of Rae's house, closing the door behind him.

Nino slowly walked over to the table where the money lay, his eyes widening as he examines all of the sixty thousand dollars he told me to count spread out into neat stacks of ten thousand and tied off with rubber bands. He complimented me on my work and looked at me with a big grin, which faded away in an instant. He looked at me with a death-inducing stare, as if I'd just informed him that I'd killed someone close to him and spoke in a tone so mortifying I almost collapsed on the scene, saying: "Did you take any of my shit?" I shook my head immediately and when I did, he went back to his old, cheerful self and roared out with a laugh, saying "I'm playing! I'm playing" to me and leaning over, grabbing his money. He peeled a stack off of the top and threw it at me, the entire stack, as if he was giving it to me. I grabbed it and looked down on it with astonishment, it was ten thousand dollars out of the stack, was this mine? "That should be enough, right?" He said, seemingly reckless with his money. I thumbed through it out of shock and didn't answer him while he spoke to Rae, handing her the cut she'd earned too. I looked back up at him after I got done thumbing through it, letting the smell of money creep into my nose like a smoke-stack, he was on his way out. "I gotta go! The homies waiting!" Nino said, kissing Rae on the forehead and disappearing into the night, shutting the door behind him.

Rea and I met eyes while I shoved the wad of money into the clothes Rae gave me, which I was wearing. She thumbed through her stack for a moment, taking out a large chunk and handing it to me, almost half of her stack. I shook my head to refuse out of courtesy but she made me take it, I couldn't complain even though, out of the "goodness" of my heart, I offered it back. I looked down at my pocket, the fattest it's ever been while I shoved Rae's cut into it too, carrying close to fifteen thousand dollars on me, the most I've ever had in my -life- at one time. I had to pat it to make sure it was real, and I wasn't dreaming. This had to have been the luckiest night of my life. Greed flew through my veins, I began to surge with an undying thirst of getting more money, finding ways to make this last so I never go on a homeless stretch again. I thought of Ears in that moment, wishing he'd have been here to see me become something. I bet he'd be proud. "So are you gonna stay? Or nah?" I heard Rae say, the words bouncing back and forth in my brain. How could I deny people who scooped me up off of the street, gave me an exuberant amount of money and a place to stay? "Yeah, I am." I replied, my heart confident but my brain on a whole different page.

"So you gonna be down for Crenshaw?" Rae said in a more demanding tone than questioning. I looked around the interior of the home for a moment, staring at the insipid decorations, morally conflicted with what to do. They were taking care of me and for once in my life, I felt accepted. "I am" I replied, confidently signing my life away for protection and money, what I'd lacked for four years.

Hello everyone.

I've decided to release my largest character story, Kate, to you all. This was all written by me and based around Los Santos, maybe I'll bring her by the Bay someday! I have not proof-read all of this, there may be errors, and for that I apologize. I hope you enjoy! If you're on dark theme, I apologize, apparently the text is white. Best viewing in light theme!

Amazing. Almost fills the whole page.

Wow. It's a long story and I obviously haven't read it all, but I've read some from the beginning and I can definitely say that you're talented. You have a talent, man! Should write a book. Keep up the good work!

bro no disrespect you really got the time to make this, i would never even do this for school so pls go outside once in a while 

shit is really good though bro

Can someone put this story in a nutshell?

Amazing job, by the way.

Speechless. Pls giff tl;dr version

ok ur not human

4 hours ago, Reshay said:

Speechless. Pls giff tl;dr version

TL:DR = Girl drama, with drugs, and violence.

Amazing book. 

Thanks for all the positive feedback!

Another great read, kudos tw1ster.

wtf...

1 hour ago, Revaz said:

wtf...

??

smashable

Took me a full 3 hours 15 minutes to read but well worth it! I enjoyed Kate's story but don't wanna put no spoilers in the comments, but @tw1ster this is fucking amazing like if you wrote this yourself, it is seriously a fucking talent I hope to see either a continuation or another like this. Well done

Casual 311 thousand characters aswell

On 12/1/2017 at 2:53 PM, The Don said:

Took me a full 3 hours 15 minutes to read but well worth it! I enjoyed Kate's story but don't wanna put no spoilers in the comments, but @tw1ster this is fucking amazing like if you wrote this yourself, it is seriously a fucking talent I hope to see either a continuation or another like this. Well done

Casual 311 thousand characters aswell

Thanks that's so nice of you to say. Everyone's comments are appreciated!

this is fucking nice

Wow, amazing man. You should be a writing teacher.